# Don't let our friendship die in the circle of friends

By [复读机](https://paragraph.com/@0x1cda8c2ced47d1ff87eb6570562d282a6b327a1f) · 2022-04-17

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Last time I had a birthday, I sent a circle of friends wishing myself a happy birthday. After returning to the chat interface, I received a private message from a friend I haven't contacted for a long time: happy birthday. I was so happy that I jumped up from my chair and quickly pressed a sentence in the input box, "yes, yes, you smelly boy, remember being a father." After thinking about it, I thought it was too frivolous. I deleted it and typed "I thought you forgot my birthday". Think about it and feel too sad, delete it. Finally, I sent a "thank you". From special care to cancellation of care, from chatting to infrequent contact, from individual grouping to public grouping, and from second praise to second return to the circle of friends. There is a single horizontal line. The change of the location of social software records the process of gradual fading of friendship. "In the first week after separation, we may find time to meet. In a few weeks, we may greet in the same group. In a few weeks, we only have to praise each other. Later, we didn't even bother to praise each other." Many times, the relationship between friends is like the lyrics, "after dissolution, they have their own opportunities as guides and accept that they have their own way". Acquaintance is inevitable. It's up to you and me to gather and disperse in the wind. one When the students get together, they all feel emotion. During the dinner, in addition to recalling the past, it is to compare and boast. Those brothers who went to the basket together when they were young and sisters who went to the bathroom hand in hand during the recess have nothing to say after meeting in just a few years. It may be that interpersonal communication has reached the transition period of youth and youth. Most of their childhood playmates have married and established businesses. Now their young classmates are all at home, and their college confidants are scattered at home and abroad. There are few new friends, and old playmates are separated from each other. We always sigh that old friends don't understand new situations and new friends don't understand old temper. However, most people pursue solid friendship while not being able to maintain every relationship. In 2005, in order to study people's social relations, evolutionary psychologist Robin Dunbar sent "Christmas cards" to measure how many friends people can maintain a friendship that "takes a certain time and energy cost". The results found that most people can only establish substantive relationships with 150 people at most, which can't be much more than this number. In this way, no matter how good you are at interpersonal skills, the friends who establish a substantive relationship with you can finish it in one piece of paper. If the sentence in "meet strangers" is true, people will meet an average of 29.2 million people in their life, make friends with 3000 of them and fall in love with one of them, then now you, in addition to the 150 people you are making friends with, there are 2850 interpersonal relationships, either in the future that has not yet arrived, or have unconsciously sunk in the past. Therefore, in the long river of life, the dissipation of a friendship is almost inevitable. two Sometimes we blur the boundary between "friendship" and "long place". Looking back on the friendship of youth, we will find that people's closeness is often closely related to spatial distance. When I was a child, the scope of activities was limited, and the scope of making friends was also limited. As shown in movies and TV dramas, FA Xiao is either a classmate or a next door neighbor, or his parents have a deep friendship and the two families often communicate with each other. We skipped class together, chatted gossip, lay on the windowsill and saw the handsome boy next door. For several years, we shared 80% of each other's youth memory. I remember a Wu in Chongqing forest likes to stay in the old house and talk to himself to an old towel that has been used for several years. The simple memory community is like the emotional towel of ah Wu. Your nostalgia for the old friendship is only a nostalgia for the past. The person you miss is only a symbol of the old time. Man is a social animal and will have an attachment to familiar people and things. Walking in the crowd, each closer to one person, will be farther away from another person. When I was young, I always wanted to chase the unknown and far away. I feel that there is still a long time in the future. I often choose to see a new world and make new partners; When we grow old and realize that time is running out, we will gradually "seek stability" and retreat into the turtle shell of emotional satisfaction. Reflected in behavior, it is to give up new social channels and prefer to get along with old friends with stable relationships. Life pushes us from shore to shore, and there are new people around us. The friendship that faded when I was young is really: after talking about the past, I have nothing to say. three Even friends who have been sincere to each other will be defeated by the three outlooks that are drifting away. When I returned to my youth, there were many students in the class. There were a row of small players wearing the same dirty jerseys on the basketball team, and there were several lovely little girls in the dance class. Everyone had a collective memory of getting along day and night, but why did you become friends? I think it's because of the original recognition. With similar three views, there is a common topic and the initial emotional foundation. There is no distinction between the three outlooks, but there are differences between you and me. Similar concepts bring the two together, and the increasingly distant value orientation separates the two. Time can not leave as like as two peas for every one. One day, you will find that you have new friends who are consistent with yourself. four Different circles do not need to be forced. I have a college classmate who has a very good character and can take care of people without losing his temper. After in-depth exchanges, she told me: "in fact, my good character is mainly due to my low self-esteem and fear of offending anyone. Therefore, I can only be good to everyone. Friendship is actually a matter of "degree", which is easy to fall into two extremes: One is submissive, dare not say a word; One is to find the best of both worlds and be busy building a good relationship with everyone. The starting point of the two different performances is the same: fear of bringing trouble to yourself because of interpersonal relationships. But you should understand that the friendship exchanged with a low-key attitude is not stable. One party's endless concessions will only stop the friendship on that day. It's like fighting a fire with a salary. The salary is endless and the fire is never extinguished. You fantasize about creating your own level by establishing a circle, but you don't realize that the essence of the circle is that people with the same level get together. One of the important meanings of growth is to realize that it is impossible for everyone to like you. Young people who have just entered the society are often eager to join various circles and show their own value with "people they know". The codes swept around the big guys after the lecture, the contact manuals collected at the meeting after the industry exchange, and the big guys added in the group... Until you really have the strength of dialogue, those are not your contacts. At best, they are the number of friends. Similarly, the vulgar friends in the group chat, the wechat merchants who brush the screen and sell things in the circle of friends every day, the classmates and colleagues who mix life, and the people who talk nonsense... They are not your friends, but your wechat contacts. For people at different levels, there is no need to deliberately blend, nor to change their mind to cater to each other, but should understand that some friendships should be put aside. five Some people, you may have seen the last side of your life, but you haven't felt it yet. It can't be denied that some people can gain close friends who accompany them for a lifetime, some people can look back ten years ago with an old friend who hasn't been in touch for a long time, and some friends share their emotions at the first time when they are still separated from each other. There's nothing wrong with meeting each other. I often remember you after I leave. Friends who can have such feelings are a happy few. More friends, it's not so much that everyone who runs his own future when he grows up "has his own happiness", but rather "each has his own request but can't". Sometimes I think social media is a cruel invention, which makes the tacit alienation between old friends clear. You look at your former friends talking and laughing with others, but bypass your circle of friends and never comment, and you can only pretend that nothing has happened. The input method makes abbreviations and displays your name. My mother also asked me "why don't you go to play with that person", but I don't remember.

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*Originally published on [复读机](https://paragraph.com/@0x1cda8c2ced47d1ff87eb6570562d282a6b327a1f/don-t-let-our-friendship-die-in-the-circle-of-friends)*
