# 10/30/24 9:57 AM

By [77815x](https://paragraph.com/@77815x) · 2024-10-30

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had some pretty gnarly dreams last night

i was in a college or something

i had arrived on test day and wasnt there to study or anything so i just had to guess on the answers

i cant remember what the other dreams was

but i kept asking myself why

im like why did i think of something like this would even be real

again i am just journaling here, so

we live in different states, i do not even know her, i guess it was all some drunk dream

and then there is that, the dream

that is how i had been with my old partner

i saw online, had dream, then next thing you know i couldnt get her out the car door when i would drop her off

but this other woman i do not know her, i had the dream i say about the sex and the blindfold so she does not see my ugliness as she rode atop willingly

i went to school with my ex partner

so theres a connection there but

i do not even know how old she is this other

where, or anything like this

she does not know anything about me nor i here

except the online

i do however remember each time

there was always a risk

after the first time talking i had asked

well maybe we can do this again

there is a risk there

to ask

i ask myself why did she even like me?

my partner from school

what did i do for her?

i mean sure flowers, and someone liking you

i guess maybe the love?

to have and to literally hold

is this all just shifting muses till the next

and to the next

i have written before heart, broken heart,

in repeat and then until gold heart, broken heart

is that it?

we try to enjoy till the last moments here?

i tell you this bci mind read thing is odd

it feels as tho i am walking on egg shells but the egg were put there and all day i think about the egg shells and there is literal dialog and conversation and narratives that have been shaped by them not me.

some of these things they have shown me i can not unsee. but instead of it being just like that simple and moving on, its incentivized like the "white bear" or ironic process theory.

i am telling you it really does feel like someone is watching my mind and judging, so i say to hell with that! leave me be, and let my mind alone.

i am getting jolted the right and the left.

either that or i do go nuts inside the mind

and dont you dare even judge me then.

I will try to keep on trying but when I step on the egg shells

don’t try to say that’s me cause its not

i’m just trying to live with the lie on loop that you created in my head

sounds straight to me.

as always if you have any questions or wish to say something

ask me not some esp or telepathy, it don’t work

it produces false positives

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*Originally published on [77815x](https://paragraph.com/@77815x/10-30-24-9-57-am)*