# who: day 13

> read the last one

**Published by:** [Who I am meant to be](https://paragraph.com/@be/)
**Published on:** 2024-08-20
**URL:** https://paragraph.com/@be/who-day-13

## Content

What do I no longer want in my life? self destruction. i'm done with getting myself into bad situations out of anxiety or pursuit of desire. also when things do go wrong, i'm done reacting in such a way that it makes responding more difficult. when i get into a good place i need to remain focused on my desires, keeping them properly sorted and when i miss the mark, i need to handle it like a professional. I have been childish. There is not excuse for not taking care of things, especially not how you are feeling. It's kinda lame to even believe for a sec that an emotion is going to stop you from doing anything. That is no longer excepted. If you don't want an obligation, remove it properly. Otherwise, handle it like a professional. in the other case, i get into really good situations, after having my back up against the wall, i relax and then i slide inch by inch back into negative patterns. I think there is two parts here. No longer will i will myself into good situations, forcing yourself into things is false and destined to fail. i believe this is the most important so i'll focus here. if it comes about by forced means then it is a weak behavior that is not truth and will retrace. it has to come by genuine means. it has to be discovered. it must be based on what you desire most and how you are. not what you or anyone else wishes that you were. there is the possibility to operate within a deep sense of understanding of your desires, what is stopping you and who you are. That's a place of truth. there is also complacency, when you feel good. there is a sense that you can relax and side quest desires. particularly desires of others, then your freedom increases it's easy to do anything and so the shoulds of others can creep in because you think well I could do that. I could make that happen. I could help this person with that, I could enjoy that short term desire and when you do you forget yourself. who you are gets lost you can spend more time with people that don't care and have gotten to similar places through different means. then you migrate to there mean of operation, which is a recipe for disaster. I really must be careful with how I engage with people. Even people I love and care deeply about me. They are not great influences. They are there things and most people want others to do there thing. Even I try to influence other people. I have tried to influence many people, which is antithetical to having a meaningfull and healthy relationship. The best relationships are ones of experience where no one is trying to get anything from the other. Even the hope to be seen in a certain way. You just hang out and spend time with each other. Now I just want to be me and extent my abilities and see what I'm capable of. I truly want to test the limits. I always have. How much better and this really get. What things can we do? where does the edge of my ability lie. I've been going hard, but now it's time to go well. go with a genuine desire to find the edge of my possibilities.

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