# Who: Day 3 *Read the last one* By [Who I am meant to be](https://paragraph.com/@be) ยท 2024-07-29 --- I've refined why I'm doing this. It's just a place for me to explore myself. Why do I publish? It makes it feel real. What is real or what does that mean? There is hope that maybe it will be useful. But I suppose that it doesn't matter. What's the truth. The truth is - this is currently the environment where I feel I can access truth. I have been quite captured by the thoughts and directions of others. In my quest, to full fill my desires I determined that I was not good enough and that I needed to improve myself to be better. Why did I think I was not good enough? It's honestly hard to remember. I was in a very difficult time. I did not appear to be doing well relative to my peers. I felt I was supposed to be doing better, my family thought poorly of my decisions. Society told everyone that I was taking actions that were not correct. I was also not happy with were I was and the progress I was making. I wanted something good to happen faster. I was impatient. Just noting to myself that I'm observing and starting to judge how dumb I was back then. How dump I am now only now reconsidering those motivations and decisions. I wasn't performing, that's objectively true and I didn't believe that I was quality enough. My recognition of where I was in life was true and that I needed to improve myself. But the mistake I made was thinking I should just consume all relevant information and improve myself through complete immersion in improvement. I could have been more intentional and specific to my process. I didn't ask what am I trying to cut and what information is available to help me with a specific mechanical technique. I went, I'm not good enough, what is all the worlds information on being a better human. I suppose that's not completely true, I did try to learn coding so that I could code an application. But I didn't know what the application was. All these efforts feel wasted now. My best success came from thinking and doing complete actions. What am I learning and how does it help actions that are complete. Learning a general skill so that I might have the knowledge to do something someday is not very helpful. What am I doing and what can I learn now. It would have made sense to learn to code if I knew exactly what I wanted to build. I didn't know exactly what I wanted to build so I was learning something that felt important. It's the learning something important and that need for validation to myself that lead me astray. I didn't stay truthful to where I was going. My desire that I was not aware of was that I wanted to be perceived as someone that learns valuable skills. I devalued myself quite a bit because society told my that people with high paying jobs where better than be because I didn't have those skills. Truth is they are the smartest idiots of the world. That said those skills can be very valuable but they need to be wielded with a purpose but someone who knows a truth about the world. Can be simple. Oh I became concerned about my motivations for this, so I have commited with absolute certainty that I will never reveal that this is me here. I might use ideas or someone might be able to find out it's me. Though I doubt it. That's nice because this is meant to be a place with I can just switch it on and see what flows. Because it's onchain and my expectation is that it's permanent - it feels like a communion with life it some way that's way more meaningful than writting into my notes or and app on my computer. It feels real, like I'm apart of nature. I think that's an underrated use or effect of blockchains. It's digital nature. Okay. I want to be more focused on the most important truths. So I want to plan loosely what I will write next. I am sincerely and seriously examining myself. My true desires, what my problems are, and where I want to arrive. see myself next time \-james --- *Originally published on [Who I am meant to be](https://paragraph.com/@be/who-day-3)*