# The decision I didn't know I was making By [BUILT different](https://paragraph.com/@built-different) · 2026-05-23 pcos, birth control, hormonal health, neurodivergent women, adhd, cycle tracking, body autonomy, women's health, self-advocacy, personal essay, lived experience, hormones, late diagnosis --- **The third cycle — a different frequency** =========================================== As April started, a new cycle came — and this time it was different. I was about to start the birth control pill again. The break was over, at least for now. My skin couldn't handle being off it anymore: pimples, greasiness, feeling like a teenager again. The SSRI was working. I didn't feel like dying. Although I got tired, I genuinely enjoyed my family's visit. My sister took hours at the store and I got impatient. My plans got disrupted, but I let go of the expectation of achieving anything and simply enjoyed being with them. One week later, I worked. I managed to hit the milestones I had for my project — but this time it felt different. Although I could hyperfocus, I didn't feel it as intensely. I didn't get to the point of being unable to eat because I was so absorbed in what I was doing. I thought of him again, but with less intensity. The desire was there — but softer. It didn't steal my sleep. And then I realized something. The birth control pill hadn't only been helping me control the pimples, body hair, and uncomfortable signs of PCOS. It was helping me regulate my cycle — and experience everything with less intensity. Life with birth control is like listening to your favorite song through a wall. You can still hear it. You know every note. But you can't feel the bass in your chest. **The period that made me feel my age** ======================================= But what I learned wasn't only emotional, hormonal, and neurobiological. I also had an existential moment. When I stopped using the birth control pill, my period was a period again. It wasn't brown anymore. It had this beautiful, bright, intense red color. After so many years, I felt like a healthy woman again. My body works. I can see it. But I noticed something else. The flow was significantly lighter than what it used to be when I was in my early twenties. A friend who was in her thirties had told me this once, a few years before I got there. Not having a real period — thanks to birth control — had prevented me from seeing this change happening in real time. And it hit me. Not the gray hairs that started appearing more frequently last year. Not the inability to stay up all night anymore. Not the terrible hangovers after drinking, the growing need for rest over parties, the occasional knee pain, the small sunspots, the faint lines on my face. None of that made me feel that time had passed so fast. I felt old when I realized that my period was not what it used to be when I was in my early twenties. I felt emotional. Sad. And I came to realize that as time passes, one day this experience will simply not be there anymore. I'm not planning to have children. I've never dreamed of being a mother. But I realized that soon I would stop being the person who "isn't planning to have kids" and become the person who "didn't have kids." When did time go so fast? I can look young on the outside. I can seem ageless to others. I can appear baby-faced to the rest of the world. But I know the truth: my body is aging. I am aging. And I can't hide that from myself. That was a truth that had been hidden by the birth control pill. **The trade-off nobody mentioned** ================================== For the first time, I felt that being on the birth control pill has a trade-off I had never considered. I will probably have a harder time distinguishing the passage of time. My period won't be an indicator of perimenopause or menopause approaching. Life is intense when I'm not on birth control. Sometimes I miss that intensity. My creativity and hyperfocus are unbelievable. After so many years on the pill, I hadn't even noticed that my libido had been quietly turned down. Why was my gynecologist so surprised that I didn't think much about sex? He should have known better than I did — especially knowing my treatment. I missed that feeling. I felt like a teenager again, in the best possible way. But I can't stand the pimples and body hair. I can't stand feeling greasy. I don't like the frequent urge to urinate from the spironolactone. Life with the birth control pill feels calmer. More structured. Less intense. I love seeing my bright red period. I love that it looks healthy. Taking the birth control pill is no longer an easy decision. It's not only physiological. It's emotional and neurobiological. I'm standing at a crossroads: which version of my life feels right for me at this moment? I don't know what I'll decide after my medical appointments. But I know I now have enough information and knowledge about my body and mind to ask for what I need. **Female bodies are strong bodies** =================================== My relationship with my cycle has transformed — from painful episodes that nobody believed, to living with chronic conditions, getting treatment and finally having enough knowledge to become my own advocate. I no longer push myself to follow a productivity standard designed for a body that isn't mine. I know my rhythm now. And I flow with it. Female bodies are strong bodies. That's what I learned when I had to go through college and work while feeling pain almost every month — while my male peers simply had a plain, uninterrupted life. I think of all the times my cycle was with me. The time I did the Fitz Roy trek on day three of my period. Female bodies are strong. Men can walk that hike — but none of them will do it while their body is simultaneously working to regenerate cells and discard everything that wasn't needed. I give myself the rest I need now. I understand that a cycle is more than a sign of not being pregnant. It is my creative power, my need for connection, my energy, and my mind. _I respect and honor this relationship — and I hope it lasts until my fifties._ * * * **The Cycle Saga · Part 4 of 4** _A four-part series on what I learned after journaling through my menstrual cycle._ _This is the final part of The Cycle Saga. Thank you for reading._ --- *Originally published on [BUILT different](https://paragraph.com/@built-different/crossroads)*