# I’m (Still Not) Okay

By [BulanEmpat](https://paragraph.com/@bulanempat) · 2023-04-01

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I could fake how I appear  
Or else I might just go and disappear  
There is no room for me to defend  
Because after all it always my fault at the outset  
Because all I need is merely to bite the bullet  
  

I could act like I don’t care  
As if I’m happier and coping well by your absent  
I learned my lesson and know rightly that I don’t deserve any self-pity  
  

I couldn’t let you see my broken pieces  
Because in the end, you will erroneous my vulnerability  
Because for you I’m just a phony  

I want to stop caring  
About what things bothering your mind  
The movie that you just watched  
Songs that you preach  
  

I want to wake up feeling at peace  
Not drowning in deep remorse  
Of something I’m helpless to reform  
  

I want to stop wondering about you  
How you’ve been doing  
How your hair looks like now  
What book you’re currently read  
  

I want to stop calling back our memories  
I want to forget how safe it felt when you grasp me by the hand  
I want to forget how warm you made me be in your arms  
I want to forget how your eyes shine every time you thrilled  
I want to forget how your hair bounce every time you tilt  
  

I want to stop being an idiot  
Who’s breaking down by passing the chiller in the grocery store  
Because they have strawberry milk and I know it’s your favorite  
I want to hate you  
For giving up to listen  
For accusing me of something I don’t  
For leaving without goodbye  
  

I want to hate you  
I really want to  
Perhaps everything will be easier if I do  
  

  
• • •  

I’m tired of pretending that I’m okay  
Waiting for this feeling fall into decay

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*Originally published on [BulanEmpat](https://paragraph.com/@bulanempat/i-m-still-not-okay)*