# Free Fall poem 05 [free fall with trillion gazillion of shattered parts within] *#self-care promise: Happy Self-care Day on 24th of July~!* By [clionachee](https://paragraph.com/@chee) · 2024-07-15 poem, creative writing, expression, free fall, journey, inner child --- ### 05 \[free fall with trillion gazillion of shattered parts within\] you flew so high that it's still never high enough. never enough for you, for anyone or anything and it's okay, you told yourself, to fall once a while. you read your own old poems and you bit your tongue. if you edit to perfections, you might prefer AI to do it all. even with mimicry of emotions, even with everything that's gonna fall. they don't see how it is that every new tech would emerge like every new theory did and accept all these fear sourcing out of flawed humans and you were one of them. the problems were never from the tools, but always from human minds with declining level of happiness that could not catch up to the speed of their so-called accelerating technology yet. you get into the dreams and the rabbit's hopping around the Granny again. 'If they screw you up, why not screw them all?' they both crafted the same letter this time. the rabbit folded it into a paper plane and the Granny flew it up into the sky. 'No thanks, I wouldn't be who I dislike. And, most of them do these out of fear. I do things out of love and embraced human emotions But, there's really no difference since we exist as a human species. So, I could share some stories for you, with you if you love them all.' they received the voice from the magical sky with aurora and sunset above them all. you fell out of the space. you fell out of reach. you fell out of the void. 'reality didn't break you,' you said proudly with your proof, 'reality didn't break ME!' you said PROUDly with your proof. like... you've always expected and known deep in your bones. something else broke you, maybe? Broke you into trillion gazillion of pieces s-h-a-t-t-e-r-e-d randomly in the multiple dimensions. Broke you in many ways you wouldn't want to admit. You didn't realise yourself running You didn't realise yourself hiding in a shelter made of glass. when you realise it all... Goblins were throwing bricks and stones to the glass wall. You had nowhere else to hide. You had nowhere else to escape. You had nowhere else to go. You could do n o t h i n g except for holding your tears, biting your tongue that you tried not to, and hugging yourself real tight as the glass wall was c < r > a \* c - k ( i ) n = g right in front of you. 'Reality did not break you at all.' you confirmed this part as you see it all happening. 'People broke ME.' you continued the next part unwillingly. 'But I let go of all these and I have choices to make.' you comforted yourself. 'I could still run at the moment they break this.' you tried your best to embrace the situation. 'And, I would know not to stay in glass shelters anymore.' you were trying to tell yourself that we could fix this. More of these shadows came breaking the glass wall... your tears blurred your vision. Was it the brick that broke you? Was it the stone that broke you? Was it the Goblin who broke you? maybe the Goblin... but... Goblin was not just Goblin. Stones were not just stones. Bricks were not just bricks. What did they remind you of? Don't answer that. What really, truly broke you? Don't answer that either. It's never 'what', you see? It's always 'who', you see. Glass wall with more of the cracks running as wild as your thoughts in a split second, the Glass shelter broke... Glass showering on you... 'my sky raining sharp glass shards with nowhere to escape', you had the last chance to talk about something to no one. Every inch of your body felt the sharp edges piercing through your flesh. You knew that you would have nowhere to hide, but you're still searching... dragging blood and flesh as you move... trying your best to leave the glass shelter that you once thought was safe. You didn't look at the Goblins. You're afraid to see more of the others behind the Goblins instructing them. Nobody told you, but it's as if you knew something by nature. You always thought that the people were on your side to fight against creatures. But you never thought of people being the creatures to hurt you the most themselves. Your weaknesses told turn out to be their strengths as they planned to rain glasses on your weakest parts and break all the things you once loved. you turned your face around covering with your wounded and bleeding arms. listen... drip, drip, drip... fresh blood dripping down the floor as your feet stepped on the glass pieces and hurt once more. you never lose hope and still searched for more at the places you moved towards. sharp glasses were still falling from the sky. 'oh my God, I think I'm done?' you had nowhere to escape as you're getting weaker and tripping over and crawling and falling as you didn't understand how gravity worked there... even the floor was not safe at all. you floated in the middle out of a sudden... just when you were hoping for the glasses to stop falling somehow... YOU became the centre of gravity to all the glass shards coming your way in the speed out of human measurements. there... you were deeply wounded for sure. But you're still alive! Did not understand how did the floor suddenly exist again. There you crawled again as you listen to the others laughing at you somewhere with the Goblin far from you for now. But the space is echoing the sound that it's so disturbing to you just for a lil' while. You crawled out of distractions, and you're looking for an exit again. It's actually nowhere to be found, but you knew it's here to be found. you're so strong. and there, you accidentally saw: the masters to the Goblin, the makers of the bricks, the collectors of the stones and all the ones staring at you were all the ones who used to shine your favourite rocks with you by the river you loved the most. you once put in the most effort, love, and time in all that you've promised each other to do... just to polish up more silly little rocks with you, happily. But, 'how?' your inner child asked. 'HOW?' your inner child asked again. 'HOOOWWW???' your inner child screamed while crying like never before. that look on your face looked more hurtful than the times when you were showered by glass pieces. there, you laid down on the ground existing out of nowhere. you were hopelessly facing upward towards the showering glasses that started falling again. no hands to cover yourself up this time. no escaping. no nothing. there, you remembered that phrase from Nimona who tried shape shifting into everything so well because she didn't belong to anything at all. And people called her the monster she even grew sharp teeth just to play along until she didn't. that day, she got in front of the sword of her best friend's statue with something she thought all along, 'I don’t know what’s scarier. The fact that everyone in this kingdom wants to run a sword through my heart… or that sometimes I just wanna let them.' those exact same words from the film were the words echoing around you as you laid down and stopped escaping. Well, there's nowhere to escape after all. but you smiled, because the movie had a happy ending when she's with her new best friend. so, it's weird that you smiled as you let sound, vision, and senses of the glass gradually fading out... 'but how?' your inner child asked again for the very last time. 'there's no 'how', my dear heart.' 'People just change, that's all?' the Brain tried to reason again. 'no, they don't. I don't!' the heart screamed again. hmmm... you actually did. you changed even faster when people come and go faster? you just forgot. the ones who hurt you unintentionally were all being hurt just the same like the cycles in nature... Some didn't care. Some didn't realise. Some didn't understand. because... It all happened within a split second, in the speed of light, within each and every unconscious decision. And so, you started thinking it through. You started asking yourself which step did you take that lead you into this? If you could ever take another more suitable turn in the future, what would it be? But... Let's not 'the future' while we try to survive 'the now'. 'I could take another suitable step for me for now, what would it be?' you asked yourself. you let bygones be bygones and you vision that there would be magical honey dropping on you to heal the cuts. But, you saw ants crawling on the sweets that you once thought were great, feeling disgusted. You quickly stayed away from envisioning honey, sweets, and all. 'Don't come to me, dear ants, dear bees, and all.' you were talking to them from miles away as if they could hear you. Crawling away with more questions in your head that you tell nobody about except for one. There you move again, when you feel like moving. Questions and questions later, it becomes a thread of stories linking up beads of questions. You knew something all along by heart, yet the Brain just ignored. you're crawling back to your favourite river alone. you thought you wouldn't survive but oh my Goodness, you did it again. all pain shall end when you rise again. but you're thinking that maybe you could finally enjoy a free fall. the kind of free fall that nobody's harmed. the kind of free fall your heart longs for. natural rise and fall. like sunrise and sunset. like tides that ebb and flow. you fell, you rise and you free fall. you fell into the river and you're unsure if the fish would eat you up. your blood made the river red... and then the river washed away the redness... you fell from above the waterfall... 'piak' such a weird sound to end a stage of this journey. you heard yourself landing on a big wet rock as the shallow river was still flowing by your side. 'did I reach the riverbank?' nobody had an answer, lol. you continued resting as you ran out of energy. A question popped up as you closed your eyes: 'who would love me when I free fall and all?' ya... who would love you when you free fall and all? * * * [Share](/@chee/PlNS9pFV2eF6nAvdOmSu) * * * Other poems [here](https://paragraph.xyz/@chee/poems). > **_'who would love you_** > **_when you free fall_** > **_and all?'_** with love, [૮ℓเσɳα Chee Pui Khei 徐𣳽琪,](https://clionachee.com/) --- *Originally published on [clionachee](https://paragraph.com/@chee/shattered)*