# Still getting used to talking to people By [christina](https://paragraph.com/@christinalj) · 2023-06-15 --- I know the pandemic was a long time ago, but I’m still getting used to talking to people on a regular basis, after that period of time where it was socially acceptable for me to not leave my house for days. Over the past year or so, I’ve found myself in the same conversations, thinking about what to say:  ### Social media I didn’t watch your story, I didn’t see that TikTok.  I grew up understanding human relationships as equal amounts of give and take. If they invite us to their house for dinner, we should have them over next time. If they give us a gift for Christmas, we should give them something, too. So when I started using social media, I treated it with the same expectations. If you like my photo, I should like yours. If you reply to me instantly, I should quickly think of what to say. Gradually, phrases like ‘texting back’ and ‘follow back’ became a part of our vocabulary. These kind of micro-burdens made most social media apps overstimulating for me. Opening Instagram felt like entering a room full of people I hadn’t talked to in years, who were all waiting for me to text them back. And I didn’t want to step foot inside of that room. In middle school, ‘liking’ my friends’ pictures was often an item on my to do list, completed by scrolling and double tapping until there were no more new posts. When I was particularly tired, I’d do it with my eyes closed. _You like all of my pictures, but you’re always one week late_, someone once told me. Eventually, though, I gave up on my ‘liking’ streak. The more years you spend being alive, the more people you follow. My system couldn’t scale. Are we meant to know this many people? These days, I’ll occasionally tiptoe into Instagram to promote a project, or to reply to messages. During these visits, I’ll make an effort to engage with a couple of posts. Whatever I miss, I’m sure that I’ll hear about the important stuff another way, sooner or later. I have post notifications turned on for a handful of friends I don’t see regularly, I watch a lot of YouTube videos, and browse the web. For the time being, this is a balance I’m satisfied with. ### Living alone I like coming home to no one.  My friend once sent me a video of a girl asking the audience what this statement meant – _When I’m with you, I feel alone_. _What a compliment_, I thought. To be comfortable enough with someone, to the point where you can be yourself as if you’re alone, that is special. (In case you were wondering the other interpretation of this statement, it is something more like, _being with you makes me feel lonely_.) This doesn’t mean I’m perpetually uncomfortable around humans. I don’t mind talking to strangers, and the world has many interesting people that I would hang out with… just not for an extended period of time.  So after a day outside, where I inevitably cross paths with a number of people, I like to come home to a place where I feel no social obligations. ### Being excited Are you excited to move to a new city? Are you excited to start a new job? Are you excited to go on a date with someone new?  I hesitate because I don’t know how to answer honestly. It’s not that I don’t want to move, or that I don’t want to work there, or that I don’t want to date him. There are just too many variables, things that can go wrong – visa issues, layoffs, breakups. I don’t stress about them because they’re out of my control, but I also don’t take them for granted. Being excited creates more opportunities to be disappointed. I let myself get excited over trying a new restaurant, opening a blind box, waiting for new music from my favourite artists. I can risk the small things. ### Umbrellas I don’t have an umbrella.  I used to have one. Every time it rained, the wind would blow my umbrella upside down, which rendered it useless, and left me with a bulky piece of plastic I carried around in the rain. Then I would bring it indoors, where it made a puddle on the ground, that I had to clean. I feel similarly about raincoats for this reason. So I don’t see the benefit of umbrellas.  Now, when it rains, I stay inside. If I must leave the house, I wear a hoodie to cover my headphones, and waterproof Air Force 1s to keep my socks dry. That being said, if someone knows a better solution, I am all ears. ### Missing people I’ll miss you. I miss you. I missed you.  My first memory of people saying _I’ll miss you_ was probably in the 3rd or 4th grade, when one of my classmates left our school to attend a new one. I used to think _I miss you_ was just something people said to be polite, so I said it back. But I wouldn’t say it to my mom, because I didn’t feel the need to pretend in front of her. One evening, after a week of being away at summer camp, she said, _I missed you_. I didn’t say anything, so she asked, _You didn’t miss me?_ _I don’t need to miss you because I’ll see you again_, I replied. And so far, I’ve been fortunate enough to not have anyone close to me leave permanently.  I remember asking her what it meant to miss someone. If I’m thinking about someone, does that mean I miss them? If I wish they were here, does that mean I miss them? If I’m thinking about them but I don’t wish they were here, what does that mean? I’m still not sure if I know the answer. Maybe if I have my own kids, I’ll understand. --- *Originally published on [christina](https://paragraph.com/@christinalj/still-getting-used-to-talking-to-people)*