# Instead of fighting it

By [cumquat](https://paragraph.com/@cumquat) · 2022-12-06

---

Instead of fighting it, bring it closer.

![](https://storage.googleapis.com/papyrus_images/dc696a98047888d32f1835009721eba4518738463506c5c369b9878c391a7626.png)

Instead of fighting it, bring your wisdom into the situation to improve your relationship and bring you closer together. As said before, instead of pointing fingers and complaining, venture out of your comfort zone and be honest and open about what's going on inside of you. To do this, first you need to connect with what's going on inside of you. Breathe deeply into your chest, filling it like a balloon. The deeper you breathe, the more connected you are to your true feelings within. You will learn that blaming and complaining is really your own pattern of protecting your feelings. You must be feeling pain. Otherwise, why would you explode? Breathe, and even accept the feelings of the wounded self -- perhaps the pain of not being seen, not being heard, not being accepted; Maybe it's the fear of being alone, the fear of being abandoned; Maybe it's shame; Maybe it's insecurity, powerlessness, isolation and vulnerability. Maybe it's the fear of not being loved. As you connect with these uncomfortable, painful feelings, try sharing your feelings with your partner without being accusatory. Explain why you are having such a strong emotional reaction and tell him that your reaction is not his fault and that you just want to share what is going on inside for him to understand. Make it clear that you just need him to listen, and ask if he's willing. This is not easy, because the accusation is so strong and so perfect for self-preservation. If you really want to break the cycle of blame and complaint and get out of the pattern that is leading you to hell, give it a real try.

![](https://storage.googleapis.com/papyrus_images/e43c2c3980eec5c03d47dd9f87954b0e6f95c5bcd2fb28107fa4aed37b9f996e.png)

Maybe you can express what you want from the other person, how you want them to be, and what you need without being bossy. Start with your own vulnerability and explain to him that this is what you need, rather than complaining and blaming. Be aware of your inner feelings as you share what is happening inside. You will see that the hurt, uncomfortable feeling behind the accusation is really all about your childhood feelings, the feelings of the child you once were. The other person is merely triggering your inner childhood trauma, and these feelings are not coming from the present situation, as you might think. Then thank your partner for listening. If you can be accusatory, if you can be real and sincere about your vulnerability, a whole new intimacy will surround you. (If not, then you may want to reconsider whether there really is a future with this person.) I know. It's not easy. But it's not because we allow our ego to control us so strongly. It's easy to be arrogant and angry. It's easier to be a victim. The cost is that we build walls and we lose love, joy and true intimacy. This is the perfect opportunity to practice being the master of your mind. Remember, love is not rational, so this is not the domain of the mind. When you argue with someone you love, you allow your mind to run amok in unfamiliar areas where it doesn't belong. It is the mind, not the experiencer, that is keen to fight. Love is the domain of the mind, which belongs to the experiencer, not to the thinker.

---

*Originally published on [cumquat](https://paragraph.com/@cumquat/instead-of-fighting-it)*