# This Must be Love By [Exp-er](https://paragraph.com/@exp-er-2) ยท 2023-01-24 --- I dont know why I am crying while jotting it down, I hope these words would be only love and loud, but if you are my everything, my world, and my life, so you are my ups and downs, my highs and lows, my love is not fair, but its everything enrolled, the title of this poem, this must be love a question and an answer, a confusion and a promise, all in one. As cheeky as the rest may sound, from top to bottom, i will pour my heart out. I have thought about it a lot, why did I fall so hard, when I could always stand tall, not bat an eye with people dying, but just your eyes looking away, make me cry, your as a friend is my most hated line, good friend, normal friend, great friend, whatever line, it pricks my heart like burning needles, but also make me stronger every time, I am so sorry for everything you had to go through, I always wonder, why could you just give up, no matter how difficult it was, how difficult I was, I never left you alone after you called, everytime you were with me, your eyes were it all, I would never push you away from my embrace, I would never stop myself from going ahead, I was there for you, I had my own doubts, I was always confused, always wanted you to stay, so I could give my all, I didn't know you will mean so much to me, I will fall for you beyond my control, I wish I could take the time back, and hold you once more, never let you go, stop time itself, so none of us, ever have to go, my life is complicated and messy and drama and pain, yet I am trying to change it all for myself so I can be the right person with no delay, I was talking to Nikki, that I would really like Jess to reconsider, to see what I am, how much I am, and for all that I am, yet I can't go all the way right now, cause maybe I am not the right person right now, and I dont want to be wrong, not for you, not cause you wont have me, cause i would rather have you forever, and to be wrong wont be the way to go, the way would be through everything right, maybe going bad a few times, maybe a few lows, I would still like to go right as much as I can, anyway, lets get back to the topic at hand, I dont remember a lot, i dont keep memories intact, I am used to deleting so much, so I dont feel, so I can move on easily, so it doesnt stay in my mind, so it doesnt break my heart, and burn my soul, I am sensitive and I do feel a lot, so if I dont let go, if I let it in, I wont be able to hold on, a man has to be tough, a man has to be strong, tears are for the weak, I have to stay for long, you made me feel, you were always there, you took care for me, the breakfast, the dinner, the food, the way you held my hands, your head on my shoulder, my chest, my arms, my palms, there is so much, you talked to me, while i was dozing, the sound of your voice, the sweetest lullaby, the day you said you love me, your eyes, how could i ignore them, how could i delete it, how could i forget them, they pierced into my mind, every moment after i was scared to hurt you, i did not know what to do, to be not by your side, i would not know how to handle your eyes on video call, i would not know what to feel, what to do, i dont like feeling helpless, i dont like feeling hopeless, to be so far, would have been so difficult, a pain i did not want for you, or me, ever, in this life, the only mistake i did, the only mistake i think i can never take back, is not being chinese, or you not being indian, i dont know why, I dont think falling for you will ever be a mistake, it was just a matter of time, I count every day how much time there is left do you think im so pumped up for courses and cv, just to spend more time? Yes, i like it, yes being around you, makes everything feel light, there is a boost of confidence, with you by my side, like i can conquer the whole world, while you are looking into my eyes, I can take care of all sorrows with a smile, I dont remember everything in detail you did for me, I dont remember everything in detail that I did too, all I remember is the feelings I couldnt delete, the never ending care, the never ending warmth, i dont think there is any price to pay for what i have lost, I can never buy it no matter how rich in the future i got, the only thing I will try, I will keep holding on, my heart beats for you, it yearns for you, the mind and soul are all yours, just dont think of it as a burden or guilt or regret, I will pay the price for it all, its not on you and will be never on you, Jess, I want you to feel right around me, feel like its all going to be better instead, i want you to feel lighter and more at ease, efficient, productive, with results, I know you are awesome and amazing, there is no need to pave the path for you, as you build your own, as you take care of it all, I just want to stand and watch, as you said, if at the edge you need help, i will pull you back, otherwise, you just go ahead, i will watch your back, I like watching you work, read, think, I like our conversations, or arguments, about work, your passion and your mind, its so much, i can write for you forever, there is so much to go, I can take my time, cause its you, no matter how many days i have left, no matter how many seconds, how many hours, how many years i have to work, to earn it all, your respect, your trust, your care, your love, the diet i can never forget, the taste of your lips on mine, you are the only person I want to sleep with forever, watch movies and laugh till the end of time, take glimpses at your face and get scolded, to focus on the movie, not on anything else, dont miss out on the story, there is so much to tell, i cant pin point how special it felt to look at your face, to tease you and hold you in my embrace, I have lost so much in the past month, I cant even tell, how much people have talked shit about me, how much I realized people have used me, how they were infront of my face and how bad behind my back, How much malice existed behind everything they did, My friend left me to die, cause he couldnt care less, But all of it feels nothing, compared to how it feels to losing you instead, I am not going to fight you, or make any threats, just, you can ignore everything that makes you feel bad, tell me everything you need from me instead, i dont want to make you feel any burden, dont want to cause you any more pain, i want your life to be amazing, happy instead, as you said today, which broke my heart in pieces, i mended it in seconds, just thought of it instead, you can choose anyone you want, you always have the right, you are as amazing as they come, the love of my life, you dont have to choose me, just cause i want you to be mine, you should choose whats best for you, can i just request you, to take your sweet time, dont choose anyone soon, or if you have anyone already, please let me know, i love you enough, to be able to keep space, love you from far enough like the gala day, watch over you smile and laugh and dance, click photos with your friends, imagine in my mind instead, even if you tell me as soon as you read this, i will never let my tears fall infront of you for this anyway, cause no matter how it feels, the thought of you being happy and content, would make a part of me so happy, a part of me hurt too, that i wasnt enough, but that is okay, the thing i will be happy with, is you have someone enough, even though, for now, if there is nobody, please take a while instead, i would like to be enough for you, to earn everything back, to hold you again, to hold you in my embrace, there is so much, but yeah I apologize, its your decision, till the end, even though I will fight against it most of the time, till the day, you accept it again, to be mine, I will stay by your side, as anything you need be, I will keep trying, but I will respect you all the time, so please dont let me go, or push me away, if i get too much, let me know, I would fight and scream, but I will do anything to protect your smile. take care :3 this must be love, but even if it can be called anything else instead, i would be that for you, as long as its by your side and forever, as long as you can have me in your embrace, cause you are someone who can hold my weight at times, sorry for being heavy, but i like being on you too instead. so i dont know it can be anything, if not love, you can name it whatever, call it x, y or z. I x you, i y you, i z you, as long as its you, its all worth it, with you by my side, it will always make sense. this must be love, even if its anything else, as long as its you, it will make sense. #poetry --- *Originally published on [Exp-er](https://paragraph.com/@exp-er-2/this-must-be-love)*