‘Can You Save My Marriage?’

The answer to this question, so often asked of me in my work, is ‘probably not’.

It doesn’t matter how many times I’m asked, how many different clients come to me in desperation, I still get a sad, sinking feeling for them. This is, in part, because I know that they already know the answer.

I work in a way many therapists don’t. It is more to the point, maybe braver, and certainly with the transparency I am known for. Let me tell you a few things I believe about the relationship therapy business. Controversial, as always—and I use the word business deliberately.

Before I launch into an exploration of relationship therapy, if you’re not ready for this, that’s fine. Take a break and read, if you haven’t already, my article ‘The Essential Conversation’ where I talk about the hope in healing a relationship, rather than the ‘sorry it’s all over’ that I’ll be exploring here.

Sensing the Energy

First, I’ll share with you an example of how I work when I know the marriage is over.

A client called me a few years ago to enquire as to how I work and asked me the question in the title of this article. She literally said, ‘So, can you save my marriage?’ after giving me the background.

I am a psychic healer in addition to being a therapist. This does not mean I know everything—far from it. It does not mean I never get it wrong; I do. It does mean that I can sense the energetic relationship between partners, and this does give me a deeper understanding of the connection. In this example, I knew it was over.

My response was: ‘I can’t save your marriage, no. I can help you to see if you want to save it.’

I knew that after giving her the space to see clearly, she would see the truth of the matter.

The Ethics of the Therapy Room

This isn’t really that different from specific relationship counselling practitioners or organizations. It is, kinda, a space to give the couple room to breathe, to express their experiences, and to find common ground or a resolution.

Many couples go together for therapy, but I have to say, it is very often the female orchestrating it and the male absolutely does not want to be there. This in itself is, in my opinion, unethical to continue when one party is there against their will. I don’t know of many relationship therapists who hold this view. I have personally stopped sessions halfway through when either partner didn’t want to be there. I also refunded their money.

This is in contrast to specific relationship therapists and organizations whose livelihoods or public/private funding sources rely on keeping couples in therapy (do they make more by keeping the couples together, too?). The same could be said for any therapy, really, which is a separate but very much related issue.

The "One Session" Experiment

I used to have the slogan ‘One session is often enough’ on my website. This is because, for some, they needed just one session to see clearly and then occasional check-ins a few weeks or even months apart.

I reluctantly changed this because many didn’t get it. My colleagues, friends, and some prospective clients who emailed me told me it sounded as if I am in a rush or that clients ‘weren’t allowed’ to book more sessions. From a practical point of view, I understood what they meant, so I changed it. I realized that when people are in distress, confused, lost, and needing help, it looked like I was saying, ‘Hey, one session is all you need, I’m that good!’ or ‘You’re not as bad as you think, you just need one appointment.’ I admit—not my greatest move.

It is interesting though, isn’t it? That I went in the complete opposite direction to mainstream therapists who sometimes go so far as to insist clients commit to a minimum number of sessions before they begin therapy. This is, to my mind, a clear abuse of the position. It is clearly monetary-based, although many therapists dress it up as a ‘commitment to change’ or some other bullshit.

While I also went too far in the other direction, I have and do work with many clients who during the session realize that they aren’t ‘as bad’ as they thought they were. They had just lost touch with themselves. Sometimes—not every time, but sometimes—the step back into you can be really quick. Why the fuck would I say to you, ‘you need six months of therapy’ when you might not?

The Man Who Wanted Six Weeks

Once upon a time, I saw a gentleman for therapy. When he first booked, he said, ‘I want three sessions a week for six weeks, then review it with the possibility of extension.’ Most therapists would think, ‘Heeeeey, I’m rich!’ I said: ‘I will give you two sessions a week for two weeks, then we will review it.’

Towards the end of the fourth session, he told me that he wanted to extend, repeating what he had initially requested. I said to him:

‘You’re paying me. I could make a lot of money from you, but you have seen many therapists over many years, and you have processed all you need to right now. If I agree, you will simply repeat the therapeutic process that you have done with other therapists, going over old ground instead of living your life. Your life is waiting – go enjoy it.’

He was furious. He paid me, stormed out, and I thought, ‘That’s it, I’m going to be struck off!’

Two weeks later, he called me. I thought, ‘He’s going to tell me he’s reported me.’ No. He said that when he got home his wife had said, ‘Thank God someone told you!’ He then went on to tell me that he had promised her an around-the-world cruise ‘once I’ve sorted this childhood stuff out’.

He and his wife booked that cruise.

So you see, therapy is not always what we need. Life is.

Do we remain stuck in relationships because we are avoiding life? Do we have months of therapy to save our relationships to do the same? I’m just asking questions here. I don’t know all the answers.

Saving the Entity vs. Saving You

If the relationship is good, please do not misunderstand me—that is a part of your joy of life. If the marriage is doomed, over, sure, we will reach out to someone external to save it. We do this because we see the marriage as some external entity that needs to be saved.

It isn’t. You are.

Now back to ‘can you save my marriage?’ and the usefulness or not of therapy in this instance. I worked with the client who asked me this, as I mentioned earlier, for six weeks, then another six weeks.

Stay with me, there’s a point.

I rarely see clients for this long, especially once they have realized what is going on. In this case, however, I knew it would be far more lasting and impactful for her to see for herself the horror of her marriage. I can’t go into detail for ethical reasons, but I can tell you this:

The first six weeks helped her to see that her marriage was well and truly over.
The next six weeks (there was a short break in between) were spent with me supporting her to move out, rent her own little house, and to go clubbing.

Yes, really.

All she needed was to see clearly. I have facilitated this for clients in one session, or in this case, six (for the marriage) and six (for her). I hope I am being clear in the difference.

The Truth Bomb

When you solely focus on saving ‘the marriage,’ I do think there is an issue. I feel that this can tunnel-vision both the couple (or individual representing the couple, if only one wants to attend) and the relationship therapist.

I have my own bias; I want you to know that. I struggle with the institution of marriage, couples, and couples therapy. I find it weird. It is important you see that, as my own feelings will surely impact the way I work and also my writing. I also find it useful. I find it interesting that I have seen many couples and individuals wanting to rescue their relationships after they have seen many couples therapists, but to no avail. Their relationships were still stuck, but they still wanted to save ‘them’.

I often told them straight—often to their shock, and eventual relief. Always to the detriment of my bank balance. Giggles...

Please also understand that part of the reason it is so often not possible to save the marriage is quite simply that by the time either partner or the couple together seek therapy—it’s too late. The simple passing of time, the past infidelities, the broken promises—whatever has built up has simply been there for too long.

I have on my FAQ page on my coaching site something along the lines of, ‘I won’t bullshit you’ when I’m referring to the question of saving marriages. I think clarity from the therapist is vital. I find it sad that so much therapeutic talk is, well, kinda full of shit, really.

I do wonder if many of us—therapists I mean—avoid being direct because we are afraid to be wrong. Well, okay, but how about we be direct and openly say: ‘I could be wrong’? How about we treat clients on a case-by-case basis, with some telling them straight ‘I think your relationship is doomed’ or with others, where this would be insensitive or unkind, take the time for them to discover it for themselves?

Now I know so many therapists will be screaming at me: ‘That’s what therapy is for!! For them to discover it for themselves!!! It’s a process! It takes a long...’

Can I just gently stop you there?

Yes, sometimes it is, and sometimes it does. But oftentimes—clarity can come in the blink of an eye.

Epiphany. Blinding light. Truth bomb.

Or an around-the-world cruise.

About the Author: Matt is a therapist, sex coach, and creative writer working at the intersection of energy and raw psychological truth. Operating without the typical corporate filters, he prioritizes rapid clarity over endless sessions.

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