# the "happier than ever" illusion By [jas](https://paragraph.com/@jas-3) · 2022-06-20 --- “after college applications, i’m going to be happier than ever” _that didn’t happen; i hit rock bottom. my whole high school career was built for these months: write about all that i have “accomplished”. sure i felt a lot of pride for what i have achieved, but now that it was over… who am i?_ _i skewed my self-image for these months— “_**_hi i am jasmine and i am passionate about food insecurity and community service”._** _although those are areas that i will continue to pursue, it still is not what i LOVE to do._ from january to march, i felt lost. there were constant waves of panic— and i don’t mean weekly nor daily. they were almost hourly: so what do i do now? people told me just to “choose something and try it out”, but i struggled because i did not even know where to look. what do i even like: art? no, i quit that in grade 8 because my art teacher made fun of my drawings, remember? volleyball? no, i was cut from the grade 9 club tryouts, remember? food? no, eating is not a talent, just shut up. dead-ends after dead ends, i went back to what i do worst: studying. and im not talking about cool sh\*t. i am referring to school courses and APs. i felt at ease burring myself in books— after all, that is all i have ever known since elementary school. i was always that try hard, graduating each year at the top of my class. there’s nothing wrong with that, as long as your academic validation is not your lifeline. it’s also a good time to mention that i am not actually academically gifted. i am the worst test taker you will ever meet. the second those exam papers fall on the tabletop, my brain turns fuzzy. i spend half the testing period rebooting and debugging my brain. by the time i am able to breathe normally again, everyone is already near finished. then, i panic over being behind and start to skim questions, miss important details and answer questions carelessly. i knew, from the college application process, that grades do not define someone’s intelligence. yet those were the words that i never applied to my life. you see, i live for productivity. that’s great and all when it comes to getting my tasks done, but i never know when to slow down. the second my to-do list drops by 10%, i will add another 20% workload. despite being burned out (almost charred i would say), i just could not stop. and soon enough, i busied myself 25 hours a day. one day in the middle of march, i sat down at my table. i stayed there for at least four hours. exactly one year ago, i signed up to take seven APs. my personality was APs. i would wake up at 8am and sleep at 4-5 am. a day’s worth of time… spent on studying information that i will regurgitate onto pieces of paper for three hours and then drain out of my memory system. lovely. i told myself in march of 2021: after AP season, i will be “happier than ever”. i wrote it on my wall, i told it to my family and friends, i believed it in all regards. but days after my post-AP exams high, i became overwhelmed by what was left: SAT, essays, strengthening extracurriculars. but to keep me motivated, i told myself: after \_\_\_ i will be “happier than ever”. i continued to fill in the blank with an incoming hardship. i was a fool. i was so focused on what was coming directly at me that i lost track of everything around me too: what i talk about with my family and friends (they were bored of my egotistical rants), my neck problems (i need to crack it every few minutes), developing trichotillomania. those were some of the many side effects of trapping myself in the “happier than ever” illusion. because truth is, i will never be “happier than ever”. in fact, i don’t think anyone ever will be. John Locke claimed that the exercise of virtue comes from the pursuit of happiness— an impossible constant state of being. we all deserve happiness, but to reach those periods, there are costs put in place. this can come in the form of emotional turmoil, pain, disconnect with people… the list goes on infinitely. instead of aiming directly for happiness, we should take everything (hardships, settling moments and everything in between) day by day. we never know when exactly these periods will end. but it is comforting to know that there will be an end to each chapter and phase. i feel that through these years, i have learnt to quit being an overthinker. “what if” questions are the worst because they are never-ending. what if this becomes what if that and a spiral of me questioning what is actually going to happen; in other words, i lose touch with reality. nothing will come easy, but honestly, i don’t wanna be happy forever. i want to be challenged, physically and emotionally. if everything came easily, then life loses purpose. i dont want to just live for the good times. i am a Christian, but one thing i still struggle with is the question of “where do we go after we die” i don’t know if there is anything— do we end up in heaven, or hell or is there an afterlife? unless that question is full answered, im not changing the way i live life. in each chapter of our lives, new challenges will be unleashed. my high school one was dominated mainly by your typical friendship drama and getting over not knowing who i am. who knows what my university life will bring me? maybe i won’t love majoring in business as much as i thought i would? maybe i meet someone who will change my life? the list goes on… point is that i don’t know. one year changes a lot. just a month ago, i was still pulling “the jasmine” (comparing myself with everyone). just half a year ago, i thought i found “my people” (im not close friends with them anymore). don’t get me wrong, i am happy right now. my next two months are packed with fun and new experiences. i have the most loving and supportive boyfriend and friend. i have so many ambitions im bringing to life— start-ups, youtube, this blog! but as i wrote my valedictorian speech, i truly realized how much i need to take my own advice in just trusting the process. i actually feel at ease knowing now that the end goal is not to achieve happiness, but rather fulfillment. if i know what i do lets me feel alive, then that’s all i need. again, i dont want to be happier than ever. i want to unlock my full potential. i want to learn about what i find interesting, not those stupid APs. i want to start initiatives in whatever field i fall in love with, not holding back. i want to change the world and solve at least one of the seventeen sustainability problems, not watch these third-world countries and impoverished areas suffer any longer. i want to inspire others, not leave directionless with ambitions. i want to surround myself around people who are good to and for me, not ones who bring me to feel any less than who i really deserve to title myself as. most importantly, however, i want to be remembered as jas— the girl could just say “f\*ck it” and exactly what she put her mind to. when i am fully capable of that, only then, do i think i will find myself. --- *Originally published on [jas](https://paragraph.com/@jas-3/the-happier-than-ever-illusion)*