# iOS? By [Joss Biggins](https://paragraph.com/@joss-biggins) · 2022-03-29 --- How do you approach life? The things you have obligated as ‘to do’s’ for each day? What is the feeling tone and what is the system? How to approach the journey as a whole? I’ve been struggling a ton with this, here is the background: December 2020 I up’ed and left Canada. I decided that I didn’t owe anything to anybody and everybody was holding me back from doing my best work. Left friends, family sold my car and broke up with a long-term girlfriend. I figured that people and obligations were the reason that I couldn’t empty my _to do_ list each day, and that shit drove me nuts. As a result, I moved to Nicaragua, although I didn’t know it at the time. January 2021 comes along. I own 100% of my time. Free of all obligations. I am clear on my goals and objectives, the tactics to achieve, my why, I was in a good environment, eating clean, sleeping well, training hard etc. Insert **system #1**: I was militant-minded. Everyday was a 24 hour mission, I wrote AARs (after action reports) I optimized for every part of life. Study, train, network, work, fuel, repeat. I broke down the day into time slots, followed them religiously, and was pissed at anybody who threw me off. I optimized for energy cycles, food cycles, work cycles, I was single in a country full of Latina women and not entertaining anything or anyone - straight mission. This ruined a relationship or two including my roommate at the time. Nonetheless, this was a **_dream_** for a few months. Full cloud nine. I felt as if everything I had learned up to this point was coming together and working extremely well. I knew it was about the journey, I was doing the work and the journey better than anybody. I am roughly a year from the date that this militant system turned foul. It was March 1st, 2021. BUT to this day I still use this system, and folks, it doesn’t work. The anxiety mounts, you never hit 100% of your tasks, and trust me you feel like you should. You isolate from people and the world, they become the enemy, standing between you and your goals. Moreover, you wear that annoyance of others and the world on your face each day. Every moment you are not exactly 100% on track and on task you are literally crippled by the fear that you won’t achieve to the standard you have set in your mind. This all happened to me, what was even crazier was the fact that I was living in paradise, making more money than I ever had before and to the outside it would have seem like I was knocking down goals like target practice. This crashed and burned, I went through a dark dark time, and so I switched my mental model and for a few months I experimented with **system #2:** System 2 could be best summed up like this; “it’s all good, have presence, enjoy life, work hard, play harder, be in flow and the tasks will take care of themselves as long as you’re diligent” (which I was). This worked for a while, then I realized how far behind I was in life (trust me I know how false that statement is, there is no behind or ahead). I realized I had gotten soft, and the imaginary David Goggins popped up on my shoulder and whispered “you are one god-damn soft sorry son of bitch, aren’t you?”. During this time, I started having this dream of Kobe Bryant in a 2014 Lakers practice, yelling, “y’all motherfuckers soft like Charmin”. Except I was one of the team members he was yelling at. That feeling is like a knife to the gut. My entire identity is built on doing enough, being enough, showing up for my team, working hard and knowing enough. The anxiety of “not enough” creeps in like a thief in the night, to steal your soul. I started getting insecure, I could feel my competition on my tail. The dream of this **idea** of Joss that I could be or even am being, was slipping away. **Fuck.** Don’t get me wrong, I understand, or at least know, many of the teachings “slow is smooth, smooth is fast” or “chop wood carry water” or “as thought increases, performance decreases” or “you can tell a master by the sound of his laugh” or the idea of a Chinese finger trap, which is the harder you pull to get out, the tighter it becomes, or the power of “letting go” or the fact that life favours the man who seeks growth, rather than achievement. etc. etc. And of course, I meditated daily, walked daily, and the idea of letting go is not new to me. I have adopted it for periods in time and know its value. I feel my nature is militant. I am also sympathetic, calm, grounded and dedicated. Maybe this is more natural to me. One thing is for sure, I refuse to lead a life that isn’t 1. Universally successful to an ungodly extent so I can both fulfil my ego **_#notdissolvedyet_** and elevate human consciousness to a new level. AKA help myself so I can help others. And 2. live a life that that I enjoyed everyday and one where I am present in every moment, with myself and with others. My approach has had limited success, and **I am embarrassed** by how unsuccessful it has been. I thought(think) I knew(know) everything. I am doing this thing wrong. And I know it. I look to mentors like Ray Dalio, Will Smith, Jordan Peterson, Chamath Palihapitiya, Aubrey Marcus, and even moguls like Snoop Dogg and P. Diddy for how they operate in the world. With extreme levels of playfulness, joy, energy, intelligence, depth (and what I care about most) achievement. I can’t seem to get to this balance correct I woke up today, 5AM as usual, back to the grind, thinking, “**I’m doing this wrong”**. System #1 or system #2. Or both, or neither, or a mix, or it depends, or should we throw all these constructs out the window. I lived in one extreme or the other. I am sure the answer lies in the middle. I have read many writings of the Tao and Stoic philosophies and believe them to be core to my being. They seem to be the key to the apparent dilemma & to the mental puzzle at hand. They are not the answer, or this feeling tone would not persist. These are anxieties and thoughts that I haven’t voiced aloud or written down outside of a journal, and **I would love your take on how you approach this, any reflections you can offer.** If you’re reading this, you’re one of 49 people on this Substack who I have added manually. It means I deeply value your take. Shoot me an email if you have thoughts or even better, leave them in the comments so we all can learn. Much love **✌️** Joss --- *Originally published on [Joss Biggins](https://paragraph.com/@joss-biggins/ios)*