# In the Mirror.

> Have you ever looked at yourself in the mirror? | 

Not only for a second or two | 

Have you looked with great focus | 

Into the purest, most whole part of you?

**Published by:** [On The Inside](https://paragraph.com/@ontheinside/)
**Published on:** 2024-11-12
**Categories:** theinside
**URL:** https://paragraph.com/@ontheinside/in-the-mirror

## Content

Green and blue Browns are there too Yellow and black I see a sunflower and white specks in the back. Spherical and glossy A shadow or two If I look deep into the center I see small reflections of me staring back at you. More than the colors, the shapes and the glares I see stories and feelings and realities that live there. Have you ever looked at yourself in the mirror? Not only for a second or two Have you looked with great focus Into the purest, most whole part of you? Today I sat by the mirror Criss-cross applesauce on the floor George Winston playing in the background Distractions away. I sat and I looked With intent Keeping judgments at bay. Glennon Doyle in her book Untamed (Doyle, 2020) says it is important to do this To look and to see To really check in with who and how we are Is the reflection depicting the person we strive to be? I used to avoid the mirror Taking steps towards that reflective glass. For I yearned to run from the discomfort that could arise from a peer into that surface where a depiction of me would look back. There was a time before that When the mirror was my obsession My friend who was actually my foe. I visited it religiously throughout the day Of every nook and cranny, I took note. A reminder of my flaws My tool to measure my worth My gut check on how I was doing Was I in control or was I operating with a misstep? My source for personal ridicule My weapon to protect My means to keep me safe My means to inspect. A selfie in the mirror meant a tangible checkpoint to measure whether or not I was fine An album of those photos stowed on my device Served as my assurance of whether or not I was in line. As I have worked on myself As I have worked to heal the body image relationship that was there I become avoidant of mirrors For I feared that the reality of my struggles were still there. I used to cover them up Sticky notes along that reflective surface space Paper squares filled with affirmations and uplifting quotes To serve as a reminder that, without it, I can stay safe. If that did not work I would take the mirror off of the wall I would hide it behind the bed Not allow space for those struggles to again take off. Today, things are different I can now look into the mirror I can ground myself and hold space to manage the thoughts that may appear. I like the idea of checking in with oneself Of holding space to glance into that purest, most whole part of the To gain an understanding of how I am doing To hold space for the realities within me. As I situated myself by the mirror As I got comfortable on the floor I vowed to look in a different way Than I had ever looked before. Straight into the eyes Into the pupils of black and white I felt apprehensive and curious Parts of me felt worried and afraid I felt a longing to know How is she doing in there today? I took time to observe I took time to see I took time to understand What is coming up as I am looking into the eyes of the? At first, I felt uncomfortable Palms clammy, heart tense My being wanted to numb as judgments came forward and were intense. The next, emotions appeared While I looked, I felt connected to the Externally, I saw a tear Internally, I saw me. I saw myself for who I am I saw myself for what I was I saw myself in that moment I saw myself in moments that have gone. I allowed my feelings to appear I allowed my emotions to flow My story is one I have been fearful of For I worry that it has been encompassed with too much to show. As I gazed toward my reflection Staring into one eye, then the next I saw the ups and the downs The hills, the mountains and the valleys that I have been around. I strove to hold space to tell myself That I am worthy That I am enough That I am beautiful, even if I do not believe it I am strong, even when I feel no muscle to the touch. Sometimes I find it easier to avoid looking into the realities of my life Sometimes I find it better to separate myself from the feelings that feel like too much. Sometimes I wish I could see an ounce of strength and worth In the moments when I am down and affirmations are not enough Sometimes I wish I could be courageous enough to follow my dreams and not allow my fears to keep me stuck. As I sat by that mirror Staring deep into the eyes of the Moments flashed from my memory Moments reminding of the stories that have made up today’s version of me. To glance toward our being Can be scary and intense To look deep into our own eyes and ask ourselves if we are representing the person we strive to be Can be daunting and humbling It is so hard to live while fully embracing our reality. I have learned that life is messy I know no roadmap for our steps I understand that each person walks through hardship, whether it is known or hidden behind the fence. I realize that the world is chaotic With it, people often strive to keep up I have come to understand that remaining authentic Takes courage and constant check-ins to ensure that, with ourselves, we are in touch. It is apparent to me that so many distractions are at play It seems harder than ever to hold priority for our healing and growth today. In a world full of shoulds I strive to push them aside In a world full of coulds I strive to instead look deep into my own eyes. To look there for discernment To look there to keep in touch To look there to check-in To look there to ensure feelings, thoughts and desires are in touch. At first, I was overwhelmed It was as if a kaleidoscope had taken effect Two eyes turned into hundreds With myself, I could not connect. I told myself to breathe. Calm, Mel. Center yourself. You are peering into the eyes of you It is okay to take this step. I saw green and blue Browns were there too Yellow and black I saw a sunflower and white specks in the back. Spherical and glossy A shadow or two If I looked deep into the center I saw small reflections of me staring back at you. More than the colors, the shapes and the glares I saw stories and feelings and realities that lived there. I looked into the mirror Not only for a second or two I looked with great focus Into the purest, most whole part of me that was in view. What I learned was profound What I felt, at first, seemed like too much What I took away was empowering I am okay, I can do this I am not too much.

## Publication Information

- [On The Inside](https://paragraph.com/@ontheinside/): Publication homepage
- [All Posts](https://paragraph.com/@ontheinside/): More posts from this publication
- [RSS Feed](https://api.paragraph.com/blogs/rss/@ontheinside): Subscribe to updates

## Optional

- [Collect as NFT](https://paragraph.com/@ontheinside/in-the-mirror): Support the author by collecting this post
- [View Collectors](https://paragraph.com/@ontheinside/in-the-mirror/collectors): See who has collected this post