# Don't force the child to say "I'm sorry" By [Patrick](https://paragraph.com/@patrick-13) · 2022-05-12 --- The seven year old sister accidentally knocked off the glasses worn by her nine year old sister. Her sister was in pain and kept crying. My sister apologized quickly, but my sister didn’t respond. She just kept crying and crying. The mother who was watching hoped that her sister could quickly say “it doesn’t matter” to her sister, but her sister has been angry and crying, so her mother came to intervene: “your sister apologized to you, she didn’t mean it, but she was careless. You are a sister and should forgive her.” In the middle class of kindergarten, while a and B were playing, B suddenly began to cry because B handed the toy to a. a grabbed it too hard and hurt B by mistake. The teacher quickly said to a, “apologize to your friend.” A said “sorry” to B as the teacher said, and the teacher said to B: “it doesn’t matter to answer quickly.” B although it still hurts, he replied according to the teacher: “it doesn’t matter.” It is a good thing to educate children to apologize and forgive, and the direction of education is correct. But parents didn’t consider the preconditions. They were too anxious, like forcing their children to accept good values, so I was a little worried. Apologizing and forgiving are things that come naturally when feelings are in place. To understand the feelings of others, we must first understand our hearts. In this process, we read our inner world and digest our inner emotions. Then we can have the idea of “ah, it is indeed possible from his standpoint”, and then understand the feelings of others and produce the idea of reconciliation, After that, it is possible to apologize and forgive. This is the case with the sister mentioned earlier. She knows that her sister didn’t mean it and has apologized, but her mood hasn’t eased. Sometimes her mood and reaction are not completely synchronized with her thoughts, judgment and cognition. She won’t feel better immediately because she knows. We need to admit that. We can put it aside for a while and chat with the children: “sister knows she’s wrong.” My sister said, “then I still hurt!” At this time, please agree with your sister’s words: “uh huh, I know. Wait until it doesn’t hurt.” In this way, whether the child loses his temper, gets angry or yells pain, his inner emotions will be dispelled by himself. We need to give our children some time. Everyone releases their feelings at a different speed. Slow speed is not necessarily a bad thing. If we force our children to apologize or forgive without waiting for their emotions to resolve, the children will be very wronged. This is because once they are not forgiven or forgiven, they will think they are regarded as bad children. Kindergarten a is not deliberately attacking B. what the two children need most at the moment is not immediate reconciliation, but different preaching according to everyone’s situation. We can say to the beating child, “the teacher knows you didn’t mean it. Pay attention next time. If you suddenly catch someone, you and your friends may get hurt.” We can say to the crying child, “let me see. It’s a little red. Does it hurt? The teacher has told a to be lighter, and he didn’t mean to hurt you.” That’s all right. The child didn’t mean to hit people. If he was forced to apologize, he might be a little wronged. The crying child is still in pain, but he will feel wronged if he answers “it doesn’t matter” against his heart. Forcing a child to make an emotional response is extremely detrimental to the child’s emotional development. If we are eager to force children to express such expressions as “I’m sorry” and “it doesn’t matter”, apology and forgiveness have become a customs clearance ceremony to quickly solve the current problems. They are not sincere, and the children have not learned anything, so they can only become a form. We need to educate our children at all times. We all need to educate them when they do bad or dangerous things, or make mistakes, make mistakes, or do not understand. Let the child apologize or forgive others quickly, also depends on the specific scene. For example, at some point, we need to ask our children to apologize immediately. When children deliberately commit dangerous behaviors, publicly insult others and hurt others, or deliberately commit violence, we all need to tell children: “you can’t do this, go and apologize to your friends!” Educating children to apologize or forgive is not a bad thing in itself, but it must not be a mere formality. Only by letting children deeply understand why they want to do this can they remember it and say “I’m really sorry for you” from the bottom of their heart. Forgiveness is the same. Only when children really tidy up their mood can they spontaneously say “it doesn’t matter”. --- *Originally published on [Patrick](https://paragraph.com/@patrick-13/don-t-force-the-child-to-say-i-m-sorry)*