# Testing testing 1,2,3...

By [Periwinkle Equal](https://paragraph.com/@periwinkle-equal) · 2022-01-24

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I am 29. I will be 30 in a few months. I currently make more money than both of my parents ever have, yet I’m still unsatisfied. Or not fulfilled. I accomplish my goals, and I don’t even really savor it because I’m always thinking about my next move.

I always say to myself, I’m not competitive- I’m ambitious. If you’re competitive you’re competing against others. If you’re ambitious you’re strategically getting better or bettering yourself. Also if you’re competitive, you can lose to others, but if you’re ambitious, it takes other people out of it and puts it all on you. Some don’t like having it all be on you. No god, no guru, no competitor just you. You to cheer on, you to blame, you to comfort, uplift, and encourage. Unfortunately, I grew up religious. Very religious. So there’s a hole where a god used to be. I’ve tried to fill with other religions, but when I think of all the effort and money that religion takes from you, I’d rather have 10% more in my pocket, and my Sundays to do absolutely nothing. I know that some questions will never be answered, and faith is just your ability to plan, execute, and endure. Sometimes there’s chance and luck. That’s about as far as I’m going.

I now pay $95 a session to see a therapist. Not even a psychiatrist, but that’s the pandemic baby! She looks like an insta-fluencer. There’s nothing wrong with that. I will see where it takes me.

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*Originally published on [Periwinkle Equal](https://paragraph.com/@periwinkle-equal/testing-testing-1-2-3)*