# Loneliness is a choice

By [rayzhu.eth](https://paragraph.com/@rayzhu.eth) · 2024-04-01

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For most of my life I have felt lonely. Despite wishing to not be lonely, I see that within me there is something that resists that change. I secretly relish being lonely because I want to maintain my independence, my unique sense of self, the characteristics that make me special. Too much time with other people erodes that, so I retreat from others as a form of self-preservation. When I am lonely, at least I have the satisfaction that I am growing my character. As one who regards himself as a philosopher, I embrace loneliness in the same way that an athlete embraces the pain of training. The torture of being lonely is what creates the greatest beauty.

![](https://storage.googleapis.com/papyrus_images/d2e6586f0880614672d1c4b45562b4ad.jpg)

Parks are my go-to spot when I want to be alone

I feel as though I have still not found the people that I want to endure life with. This is often referred to as finding one's 'tribe'. There have been times when I have thought I had, friends who I'd thought will be with me forever, but time took its toll. I don't know whether I'll ever find them. If I did, then I wouldn't need to write to you anymore. But it is my desire to write to you that prevents me from finding them. I write because I have no one to talk to, and if I were to find people to talk to then perhaps I will stop writing. And my love for ideas is far too great to give that up. There is also the fact that finding people I could be with would be an admission that I am not that unique.

It is a strange position to be in, to have a malaise and enjoy it so much you don't want a cure for it. For the cost of the cure is greater than the cost of the malaise. At least, that is the choice I have made.

I have found that a lot of my personality has felt like both a blessing and a curse. It has enabled me to achieve great things, but be rejected by society. There are things that I can do that others cannot, but also things I can't obtain that others can. I am under obligation to carry out being this way, and I wouldn't have it any other way. For this is a gift that has been given to me.

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*Originally published on [rayzhu.eth](https://paragraph.com/@rayzhu.eth/loneliness-is-a-choice)*