# A "No".

By [Shaeyak](https://paragraph.com/@shaeyak) · 2022-06-06

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Do you often find yourself saying yes when in fact you mean no?

You don’t want to go out, but you still push yourself to go because you don’t want to disappoint your friend.

Or, you don’t have time to take work from your colleague because you are already swamped and drained, and if you'd accept you'd need to postpone your after-work plans. You still accept it because you don't want to be a bad colleague.

There are two basic reasons for saying yes.

One is that you genuinely want to help and you find satisfaction in the act of helping itself.

The other reason is that you want to be liked by others, so you’ll say yes even if you don’t want to because you are afraid that expressing your true feelings will backfire in some way.

You might think that they will reject you, abandon you or get upset. You want to avoid that at all costs.

So, you accept and get angry or frustrated afterwards; going in your head through the situation over and over, building resentment towards them and yourself.

The first approach comes from the place of love and understanding, while the second comes from our lack of appreciation of our own needs, paralleled with a subconscious desire to control other people’s feelings towards us.

If (or maybe when) you fall into the first category, you probably are happy with whatever things turn out to be with this helping event, as you are deriving satisfaction from the mere act of helping.

You hold no grudges if people don’t appreciate what you do for them.

If you are in the second one, however, you probably often end up resentful and in regret.

The cost you pay for repeatedly saying yes to things that drain you is becoming overwhelmed with the prospect of burnout and devaluation of your self-esteem. You are also denying other people the opportunity to be themselves in their own space.

If that is your case, you might want to take a look at how you set your boundaries and learn to say no.

Saying no when you mean it will preserve your energy for things and people that matter to you. You will have more self-respect and confidence, you will be in charge of your life and you will feel overall happier and lighter.

It takes a little bit of training to say no, and here are a few basic steps.

*   Give yourself permission to be truthful about your feelings.
    
*   Identify the area and a situation where you typically say yes, and where you would like to pull some limits.
    
*   Identify what you want to be different, and what outcome you would like to achieve.
    
*   Communicate your boundary to the person with respect and assertiveness. Focus on the facts and yourself, avoid any type of finger-pointing or blame.
    

If you feel the urge to change your response subsequently as you feel guilt, don’t. That guilt is exactly what is driving the vicious circle. Again, give yourself permission to do things differently, just for once.

Repeat all the steps next time too.

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*Originally published on [Shaeyak](https://paragraph.com/@shaeyak/a-no)*