# True Horror By [Anansi](https://paragraph.com/@souldirector) · 2021-12-19 --- 10 years ago, I set out to change my life. To change my fate. Objectively, I appear to have failed (blah blah blah, it’s about the journey, not the destination, eat my asshole). I name this essay ‘true horror’ because I can’t imagine anything more horrifying, than setting out for a decade, putting oneself through all sorts of challenges, adventures, relationships, jobs, experiences, only to end up exactly where you started at the end of it all. 10 years ago, at the end of my time studying at the University of Alabama. I finally noticed that I was completely miserable and increasingly angry at myself and the world about ending up in that position. So I decided, that I would get better. That I would work through my issues. I’d create my dream life, and overcome my demons and insecurities. I finished my degree. Moved back home for a bit, then set out to New York and worked for the Red Cross. I found it to be unsustainable and undesirable as a lifestyle, so I moved back to Alabama, where I wandered and did odd jobs and tried to figure out where to go there. Due to an experience I had before I left New York the first time, I decided I’d try to become a programmer. I studied on my own and with a friend, and eventually got accepted to a program in NYC to learn how to do it professionally. The program itself was incredible, but ultimately my choices, and I guess a lack of passion maybe, led to me struggling for several months before I got a job at a startup that turned out to be on it’s way down. So, in the end I was let go, to start over once again. Around this time I went to my first DAYBREAKER and fell in love with that scene, and it became a staple of my life while I continued to try to have a professional career. Joined another startup and managed to hold onto it for about a year, but was eventually fired for not managing to stay productive enough, and I was getting visibly uniniterested in what I was doing. About exactly a month later, I got hired for my highest paying job yet, at yet another startup. That one actually went really well for a while before there was a change in the structure, and then I just slowly fell apart for the next year until I was fired for low performance, and again being checked out. And then started this period, which I’m still stuck in, where…I just have not been able to push through hard enough to find another job. The first 6 months were actually pretty amazing. I was out of debt, and just took a lot of time to pursue my interests but~~~eventually I ran out, and I was struggling to push myself back to work, and I eventually started leaning on my dad for support. Which, was a HUGE mistake, because I didn’t understand what was going on with me. Eventually I got a gig building a mobile app, which went slow at first but started to ramp up when I invested in a co-working space…which I then lost once the pandemic hit. I can’t really tell you what’s been going on then since. I moved to LA to try and pursue and old dream. I struggled and eventually managed to finish the freelance project I took on. The whole time I came close to getting hired for full time SWE work again but lost everytime in the final rounds. And then 2021 came and…I just kind of gave up. I started and registered a company, and started offering this service I called Soulplay. Saw multiple coaches. Eventually started performing at open mics and practicing Circling as the world opened up. Even did an ayahuasca retreat. That brings me to right now. In my childhood room, sitting in the dark writing, broke, in debt, and completely perplexed about how badly this all turned out. I can’t say I regret going on the journey. I am, however, completely discouraged at how miserably it all turned out. It is a true challenge, to rise back up when momentum turns against you and drags you into the depths. Keep in mind, I’m not asking for sympathy or pity. I dug this grave myself, every shoveling was done with my hand. I guess I’m writing this to just understand why I created this experience for myself. And maybe in the writing of it, I’ll see the way out. The first obvious mistake, was… I have no idea. At this point, the only thing I can think of that I truly fucked up was not seeking out a skilled, experienced professional therapist. I did ALL~~~~the personal development workshop stuff, and worked with coaches and healers and shit. I briefly had a therapist, who did not give me particularly good advice. The only other hint I have, is that I started this journey, with a completely incorrect attitude. Or SOMETHING in my thinking was very wrong, or corrupted in the first place. Coming back to this essay now and looking at the above sentence again…yeah. There was definitely a limiting belief that started this all. The whole idea, that who I was in 2011/2012, was just not good enough…the desire to be someone other than who I was…I could see how that would corrupt all results that flow out from that, and lead me right back to the very geographic location that this all started at. Is the Universe trying to get me to be ok with who I am, and who I’ve been up to this point? Maybe there really wasn’t anything wrong with me, all those years ago. I’d simply been too uncomfortable with who I was to actually add any value to the world. --- *Originally published on [Anansi](https://paragraph.com/@souldirector/true-horror)*