# Gender musings…

**Published by:** [The Work of Wickedness](https://paragraph.com/@theworkofwickedness/)
**Published on:** 2022-08-07
**URL:** https://paragraph.com/@theworkofwickedness/gender-musings

## Content

*Originally written in 2019* Growing up I didn’t know being trans was an option, and where I certainly don’t feel like a man, I have always felt more than a woman. It was made clear that none of my actions in my adolescence were female enough, that I’m “not like other girls”, and had a very difficult time navigating who I am with who I am expected to be. I’m not sure how much of this is because the representation of women in media in my youth weren’t very representational of real women, or that I didn’t have anything I would consider to be a strong female role model, and had a number of uncomfortable relationships with “normal girls”. I used to say coming to terms with being comfortable as a woman was a big part of me growing up, and part of that was true. I did have to go through a number of “what if” feelings and tell myself there isn’t an “if”, and I don’t really have another choice. I’ve made a number of rationalizations or compromises and then have acted like they weren’t. I’ve met a number of women recently who are helping me learn and experience a broader female gender experience. In spite of this, I still feel extra. Maybe it’s the decade of near-constant hormones, or the near-constant battle the hormones are helping me fight, or my complete repulsion for having children, but I can’t keep acting like I’m ever going to be OK in this box. I don’t feel LESS female, and I want to be something that younger women can look up to in a way that I didn’t have growing up because I think the perception of what a woman can be is too damn narrow. I feel a little critical of myself and like a bit of a douche but it kinda seems like that might be normal and there isn’t an easy answer and it could all change at any time. 🤷🏻‍♀️

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