# Maybe... By [TJ Shumba](https://paragraph.com/@tj-shumba) · 2022-05-30 --- **Her** eyes were burning from last night. Itchy, blurry, dizzy. In the back of her head she berates herself for spending all that time online. Midnight Youtube, looking at all her favourite lifestyle Youtubers doing things. In the dark lit up with only her phone screen while wrapped in her covers. In her room, silent as death letting auto-play take her on a trip down the algorithm’s path. She wasn’t actually watching, she was just looking at the screen while she thought of thousand of little things she doesn’t fully remember now, but were all so important last night. Like it was a dream, like she dreamt watching Youtube until her arms burned from holding her phone, until four, until she couldn’t bare watching other people’s lives. It’s eight. Out pure habit she wakes up at eight on weekends and earlier on weekdays. It’s a strange thing that she does, no need for an alarm she just wakens. Her father used to call her roster when she was younger, she used to make so much noise when she woke up. She would run around, scream, turn the TV on loud to watch early morning cartoons. When she got older the running, screaming and TV turned to loud yawns, singing and her morning playlist on blast. It’s eight thirty now and she is still in bed. At any moment now her mother will burst into her room and start mothering her to death. Asking all sorts of questions on her health or if she was hiding something from her or something else completely. She musters all her strength and sits up. The full power of her dizziness overwhelms her, she holds the bridge of her nose hoping her nose doesn’t explode all over her bed, blood or otherwise. Her stomach warms, turns, twists and bubbles. She regrets everything. Eight forty-one, she is happy that its just nausea. She bent over the toilet bowl holding her hair waiting for nothing to come out. She turns on the shower, testing the warm water, then jumps in. There is no point in taking a long bath today, she would just sleep in the tub like that other time; her mother burst in worried that she did something stupid. “Are you okay darling?” Her mother crept in, sliding herself through the smallest space of the door. “Yeah, I’m fine” she didn’t mean to sound so pissed. “ I mean I’m good, just had a rough sleep”. She just found some random two socks and decided they will be a pair today. She knew that she looked like trash. She didn’t take any effort to look good today, but her mother’s look made her feel even worse. She wore some grey tracksuit she found in the bottom of her draws. No make up. Her hair a mess. “Are you… sure you’re fine honey. You look sick” “Mom… I said I had a rough sleep” “Sorry, sorry Jess… I’m sorry”, Jessica’s mother backed up a bit, her hands out like she was about to charge at her. “Do you want eggs for breakfast?” “No.. I’ll have… cornflakes or something” “Okay darling…” After her mother disappeared, she waited a few minutes until she walked to the kitchen. She was not in the mood to headbutt with her mother about her sleep or something else. Jessica walked down the thin corridor straight face aimed at the kitchen. She flew past the atrium nearly slipping on the tiled floor. Unfazed she continued her campaign to the kitchen. “Morning Jess”, Her father said, saluting with his grand mug full of coffee. He still had his robe on. “Oh… morning dad” “You okay?” “She had a rough night last night”, her mother said. “Oh… what’s wrong Jessie pie, you usually sleep like a rock” “Nothing…”, Jessica took the cornflakes box and placed it on the counter. It slammed with a huge thud. The kitchen fell silent, bar the frying of eggs. Jessica could feel her parents eyes stabbing at her. Her arms tightened. Her dad took a long slurping sip from his mug then puts his mug down with a gentle clink. A deep sigh, from her mother. _Are they trying to piss me off_. She turns toward the cupboards for a bowl and a spoon. She notices her mother, she’s wearing blue, and purple floral sun-dress with tiny straps. She hasn’t worn that in ages, but lately she has been doing this type of thing. Her hair is pulled back with lazy strands hanging about, which is silly, she ends up wiping them away from her face every time she bends over to cook. She does look younger, slightly, her face still hold years but they seem to sparkle a bit. Jessica’s father looks old today. The greys in his goatee look more ragged and aged than usual. Maybe work is finally taking its toll of him, or maybe he is finally at that age were he can’t hide his age any more. She remembers the days when his head was full of hair and all the same deep dark black. As she reaches to her bowl, (white china with a singular purple flower in the middle) her hand brushes past her fathers bowl, the same colour black his hair used to be. She was maybe nine when he bought that bowl. He just bought it on awhim. No plan. They were waiting for some guy. This guy was supposed to buy a used phone her father had and asked to meet by this small shopping centre. Honestly she didn’t need to be there, she haggled her dad to bring her along, she was sold when he announced that he will be back quickly, “In and out quick”. in actuality to buyer was later. As they baked in the car waiting, Jessica getting restless, her father opened the door, “Wanna walk around a bit?” he asked. They entered the store, a small shop with a little bit of everything witha large emphasis of little. They seemed to be one of almost everything that wasn’t food, and even the food never multiplied above five. It was cramped, with the aisles nearly squeezing on them. The air was old, almost muddy and smoky. The walls were all faded versions of green and peeling white. In the midst of it all, however, her dad saw the dark bowl at the very back of the store, that is to say five steps from the entrance. Jessica was mostly happy to walk around and look around the store then her dad blew past her towards the singular till. She followed hoping he bought a sweet or something, then she saw the bowl and eyed her dad. “What?” he said with a smile on his face. The golden flakes floated a top a lake of white, she dusted them withsugar and mixed them about. Her spoon clinked and clanked on the rim and floor of her bowl, her left hand swamped in her hair. Her eyes still burned. The eggs smelled glorious, a part of her wanted to ask for eggs but she was too tired to ask. Her mother would cook one in a heart beat, bit no. Her father opposite her on the island with his knife and folk in hand ready to munch. He looks the most comical in moments like that. “Is that a smile Jessie pie?”, her father asked. Her mouth snapped back. Her mother giggled. Her father grinned the widest Cheshire Cat smile. Jessica felt hot under her cheeks. “What some eggs honey, Mom can whip up —” “No,I’m fine” “Were you… never mind”, her mother said sitting next to her father, her hands flat on her lap. Sitting all lady-like. “Was I what?” “You know…” “I don’t mom…” “Woah Jess… mom is just worried… relax honey” “I just… what to know what is going on” “Nothing” they both said, laughing afterwards. “Honey tell Jess what you were thinking” “What if she gets mad”, Her mother whispered loudly. “Then it’s not my fault” “Then I won’t say it” “Fine. I don’t want to hear it anyway” Jessica slammed her spoon hard, splashing milk. They sat in silence. Her father polishing his breakfast plater, while her mother whispered little nothings to him. At times he would whisper back something. Jessica wasn’t keen on lip reading nor was she it to sitting with them any more. Though it was cute. She couldn’t help feeling warm, when she glanced up to see her mother so transfixed on her father like the world depended on her keeping total focus on him. Her father looked nearly hypnotised, when she moved left he would move like her mirror. The milk was so thin she could nearly see the purple flower, she twirled around the last of her flakes not wanting to finish them. Her head was clearing up, maybe it was the food in her system. But she couldn’t fully give it up to food completely. Seeing her parents so unashamed in love with each other is doing some good to her. In the past she would envy them for having moments like this, other times it would remind her of times she shared but today it is different. It’s like osmosis, from one end to the other down a water potential gradient (what a time to think of biology), its infectious. Their love for each other almost feels like they love her too. Though she is eavesdropping. “I’m going to my room”, Jessica said pushing out her chair with a loud screech. She ended up in the lounge balled up in a cocoon of covers and blankets, with the TV playing Saturday morning cartoons. She wasn’t watching however, they were mostly just background sounds to her texting. Her head was lighting up. Her head stopped feeling like a dumbbell attached to her neck, but her actual head. “You look better honey”, Her mother said walking in. She changed the channel to the FOOD Network. “I’m feeling better mom”, she smiled. “Rampage Jessica is gone?” “Rampage Jessica?” “That’s what your dad called you”, her mother giggled. “So you were talking about me behind my back?” “Technically, we were in front of you…” They both laughed. Jessica snorting like a pig and her mother covering her mouth like she was eating something. “So…” “So…?” Jessica stuck out her tongue. “Where you thinking about him?” “Him?” “Last night… you know”— Her mother edged closer —“him…” she whispered. “Mom, that was such a long time ago… why would I ever think of him?” “I was just wondering. I just thought, ‘why would Jess have a rough sleep if it isn’t for him?’” “To be honest mom, I was watching YouTube all night” “That all?” “That’s all” A large hand grabs a knife and chops carrots and onions double time. Jessica once thought of cutting carrots like that, it was just a thought. Though the theory of it seems simple. Hold the knife, not at the handle but in the middle. Use the knife tip and anchor it to the cutting board then slide the carrot under the lifted blade. Up. Down. Up. Down. And the carrots are all chopped. But your finger is a similar density to a carrot isn’t it, you could, in theory, cut you own finger with the same motion. Especially when your technique involves fingers going every which way. The chefs roam around their assigned islands like choreographed dances, all white bodies twirling passing each other. The clock ticks down. Jessica’s phone buzzes with more news. A chef shouts at his subordinates, a growling coarse shout straight from the throat. Jessica types away, her mother transfixed at the action. It’s mid-morning. The sun rays streaming in the large windows. The black love seats shine, the leather reflecting small phantoms on the ceiling. Sun like this reveals the age of the carpet, the years of abuse and countless juice spills, patches litter the floor. Dust dance down, their show in the spot light finally. Jessica’s mother automatically moves to the sun — somewhat phototropic she is — stretching out completely kicking her feet over one arm rest, her head on the other. “What are you doing?” Jessica laughed. Her mother shrugged. “You’re looking cute lately” “Cute?” her mother whipped her head towards her, “What do you mean?”she smiled. “Like a girl. You look like a girl today…”Jessica giggled, “it’s funny”. Jessica threw off the blankets and stretched out herself. The sun by the tips of her toes. “I mean you’ve been doing it lately” “Doing what?” “Looking like a girl. You’ve been looking like a girl for a while now” “Really? What do you mean?” “I don’t know… your hair and stuff…” “This?” her mother pulled one her falling strands. “Yeah, that…”, Jessica giggled “its super cute” “Is cute a good thing?” “Mom… duh. When has cute been anything bad” “Jess, I’m old now. I’m not cool like you young ones”, she laughed. “Don’t worry mom. You look cute… innocent even…” Her mother, took her eyes away for Jessica. Her eyes gazing at the ceiling. “Innocent”, she repeats, half to herself and half to Jessica. Her fingers lightly tap her temples, drumming no real rhythm, song or chant. “Innocent… hmm…” — Her hand rolls back to Jessica — “Come here, I want to tell you something” “Is there anything wrong?” “No baby”, Her mother sits up and taps next to her, “It’s a nice story.” Jessica sends a cautious gaze, her mother signals more, “Come”. Jessica sits the leather squishing under her weight. “Mom I already know how you and dad met” “Haha… this is something you’ve never heard before…” * * * I was dating this guy for nine months, lets call him Edward. So I was with this Edward guy long before I met your dad. Actually he was my boyfriend way before I started living by myself, at that time I was living with my sister, your aunt. Anyway. So this Edward guy was very handsome. Tall, he went to the gym often, he had the deepest smoothest voice I have ever heard, it melted me to the core every time he said “Hi”. He worked in Marketing for this company, we met when our two companies were doing a joint project. It was totally professional during the project, but we did hit it off a couple of times too. He was funny, and had this real atmosphere around him an addictive atmosphere like when you are at a party and you can’t leave. During lunch breaks, he would be at the centre of a giant crowd just listening to him tell some story. People didn’t care if he was making up stuff, they just wanted to hear him speak. I always tried not to be in that, but he would always, without fail, call me out. “Where is Rutendo?” he would say and then I had to sit next to him, it wasn’t too bad though. At the end of the project he calls me out of nowhere. I didn’t give him my number, so when I heard his voice at the other end I nearly fainted. That voice. That voice. My goodness! So he asks me if I was free that Saturday and I nearly shouted yes. And that's was how we started dating. We didn’t have a lot of money the two of us. We would have dates at fast food places and try to find the most quiet places for us. We went to movies, sharing a popcorn and drink. Mostly we just walked around window shopping, Edward saying he will buy me all the things I fell in love with when he got money and I would tell him not to worry but secretly I would hope that he was true to his word. We started getting serious around month three. By that time I had to see him every day, if I even missed one day I would literately feel sick. Your aunt used to tease me when I would feel skin during that time, she would ask if I had seen Edward then ask if I ate anything bad. Even my friends knew how… addicted I was. I remember when he told me that he loved me, I broke down to tears, it was like everything I have ever wanted. He got promoted at that same time so we started going to fancier places for dinner, he bought me all sorts of things — jewellery, clothes, chocolate, shoes. He was spoiling me to be honest. I started going over to his apartment, first on the weekends, then everyday sometimes I would sleep over there…. I remember those days, how I felt like it was yesterday. How even when I wasn’t feeling my best or looking my best I was still good enough for him, like I couldn’t disappoint him even if I tried. I remember trying to actually. I tried forcing him to break up with me, I was super scared of what I was feeling back then I was so young and it felt so serious. I was too scared to break up with him so I wanted him to break up with me…. I was skipping dates, missing calls, cancelling them when I was really desperate. This went on for weeks until he came to my office one day and we patched things up. I didn’t tell him what was really going on though. I mostly cried and told him I’ll be better, it was so embarrassing. I was in the middle of this reception, with a couch and this guy at the front desk, people were going to lunch and we were in the middle of it, and I was crying in his arms like someone close to me died. The worst, ugliest cry I have ever done in my life. When we were all done my co-workers looked at me so strange, I was still high with emotion so it really affected me that day. All things weren’t all rosy though. I should have pulled the plug the moment I thought we should break up. I should have told my sister what I really was feeling, she would have figured out all my emotions with me to find the real problems. But I didn’t. I stayed with him for way too long. See he was a bit too pushy. At first it was him looking for me when we were working on that project, that was nice actually, but then it got more intense as we started dating. He would persuade me to go out with him to bars or something, I told him multiple times that I didn’t like drinking but he would insist. When things got more serious he would ask me to sleep with him, and I said yes but in the back of my head I thought we were moving way too fast. I rationalised myself out of it though, saying “We are in love”, and “This is what lovers do”. When he got that promotion, he pretty much controlled what I would do and when. I even skipped out of work so that I could be with him once, I called sick, and spent the whole day at his apartment. It was the worst, most boring day of my life I tell you. But worse still was this thing he did. One the very first date we went on, it was fine we were talking and flirting then, _click_, he went blank. Blank like a wall. Dead serious out of nowhere, and that’s how the date ended. I thought I was a one time thing but then I happened over and over again. Edward wasn’t epileptic, in fact when I wanted to talk about it he would get so defensive like I was accusing him. As the months added up he would straight up shout at me, saying I’m such nag. It was the strangest thing I have ever experienced. One moment we are really connecting, the air and everything felt perfect then, _boom_, gone. Ice cold like we were strangers. Sometimes he would re-connect, but mostly he didn’t. I finally got sick of it. I broke up with him during my lunch break, we were in a fancy restaurant and before the menus came around I told him “We need to go our separate ways. I know we have done a lot and we have been together for a while but I think it’s best that we separate…”, I remember my heart was beating out my chest when I said that, I will never forget those words. I will never forget his face when I said what I said, it wasn’t angry or sad or anything really, it was just blank like he just spaced out. He said “Okay”, like I asked for the salt, so casual. And I left, I walked all the way back to my office and that was that. We were over. * * * “Does dad know about this?” Jessica whispered. Her mother smiled, whipping away thin tears from her face “Of coarse, do you think I was hiding these spice details of my life? You dad knows the guy’s real name, I told him everything.” Jessica opened her mouth, but her mother hugged her enveloping her in a strong embrace. “I love so much”, she said. Jessica could feel tears pouring out of her dripping down her neck. Her mother started kiss the back of her head repeating, “I love you” after every kiss. After a while she stopped. Jessica, statue from everything that happened only notice the strangeness of everything. Like a wave she felt the intensity of her mother’s story, she felt sunken but no tears formed. “Why… why did you tell me this story?” “To be totally honest I have been meaning to tell you this story for the longest time but I wasn’t sure when to tell you. I don’t know why I felt like I had to tell you this story baby, I don’t. It was like a ball in my throat, and the only way to take it away was to tell you this. I asked my sister about this and she was surprising okay with this. I even told your dad.” her mother stroked Jessica’s cheek, then kissed the her forehead. Jessica’s eyes closed and for a moment she was floating. Floating above the house, trees and clouds. Its two in the afternoon. The echo of her mother’s story still ringing in her ears. She was in the lounge long after her mother left to help her father with something. She was still baking in the sun trying to picture her mother with Edward, trying to understand the story, trying to understand her mother. Her mother was now strange, strange like finding a new feature of something familiar. Strange like finding a new scar on your arm. Her mother is more complex now. There was something so scary about that. Another cooking competition ended. The credits rolling down, the end theme roaring loud. The sun moved, but she was still on the same love seat. She looked at her phone, hundreds of messages poured in, battery nearly dead, more Youtube notifications. She switched it off… she caught a glimpse of her reflection, _since when did I look like my mother?_ Jessica headed straight to her bathroom mirror. She did look like her mother, younger but all her features are there. Her eyes, nose, cheeks. Maybe her mouth is a mix of her parents but the head shape is the same. Jessica pulled back her hair, pulling out lazy strands from her temples. “Maybe…” * * * Cover picture credit: alexander-krivitskiy, unsplash Twitter: @TJohnShumba --- *Originally published on [TJ Shumba](https://paragraph.com/@tj-shumba/maybe)*