# This One's For The Captain By [Oreoluwa's Musings](https://paragraph.com/@trc) · 2025-01-01 --- Hi There! My name is Oreoluwa and this year has been a LOT, and I’m as glad as anybody to see its backend. Like many a creative this time of year, I’ve pondered how best to put down my thoughts and reflections on the year just gone by; but in searching within for substance and story, I realize that I’ve allowed the venom of all my other worlds corrode my soul, so much so that I feel unworthy and unable to weave words into meaning, or at least the profound meaning I often delude myself into thinking my pieces have. [Subscribe now](https://oreodutoye.substack.com/subscribe?) This year began with several shiny new challenges, but as the year wore on, I’ve been stretched thin in every which way and the holes have started to appear. Indeed, I've questioned my humanity in several different ways this year. I've been reminded of my mortality in the form of the all too frequent hospital visits - set a personal best. It's been a sick year. I've wanted to cry, wanted to mourn emotional losses and pains, but I couldn't. There was simply no time. Too much to be done. Looking back, It's so incredulous that at various points this year, I had to schedule my moping time, for fear of falling behind on other things. I've learned that this was my anxiety but in its third kit Anxiety that sometimes has had me curled up in a ball on the floor, scratching at my already suspect heart, isolating for fear of "infecting" those around me. But sometimes, anxiety is pushing on despite it all. Not allowing yourself stop because you're convinced beyond all reasonable doubt that the world will collapse if you do. And so you push, and take it all on, and you never stop no matter how heavy the load is. No matter how tired you are. ![](https://storage.googleapis.com/papyrus_images/54e4d23886cedfa93c3dc2495fb47b8b.jpg) I've also had to come to terms with the fact that I might very likely be depressed this year, even as I consistently crossed off my personal goals — high functioning I think they call it. As self-aware as I've always thought I am, I don't think I've deeped how much I've let go because of this. There are so many things I genuinely enjoyed that I've subconsciously let go of, and I haven't really allowed it to sink because I now live this "get up and go, there's no time to slow down" life. I can't remember the last time I did something I enjoy, not as a coping mechanism or to distract myself, but because I was genuinely enjoying the activity without a care in the world. I'm mindlessly scrolling through apps, listening to music, playing games, and often dissociating. Just numb. I'm realizing that I sleep a lot, not just because I'm always tired, but also because I constantly need an escape, looking beyond myself in the mirrors of the many rooms I've had to stay in as I trudged across the Federation in duty. It's been a lonely year - mostly On Building Community --------------------------- However, amidst the many dark clouds, I've had to face one of my biggest fears... leaning on others. I've been dragged up off the floor and had my blushes covered in more ways than I thought was possible by other human beings. It's a bit harder to contemplate dark thoughts when "Afapataya" is goofing off in the corner of the room, more difficult to give up when "The Swoon" is bouncing off some new ideas on how to make it. The world feels a lot less lonely when "The Alien" and "Fatnificent" sit down in the trenches with you and refuse to stand up till you do. And even though she never stops giving you shit, dispatching these heavy duties becomes a bit easier when you know "T" will come up with some explanation for your mysterious disappearance from school. You feel a slight ease about the future when you have drinks and a conversation with “Chief” and his path makes yours just that bit clearer. I've always struggled with community projects. I'd usually much rather not rely on people to get things done. I've had to learn, unlearn and relearn the concept that no man is an island. Life has been quite an interesting teacher and this has been one of its more fascinating lessons. I’m a long way from being the perfect friend (or even a good one lol) but the people around me fill me with such a desire to be better… when they’re not pissing me off. On Becoming Human - The Captain ------------------------------- My life has been one long series of happy accidents. I just might be Serendipity’s poster child, which is incredibly funny because I don’t particularly believe in predestined fate; but the heavens might have conspired to do a madness in bringing me The Captain. The Captain is… hope. Something about seeing her smile after some underhanded banter makes me think I can go again the next day. She is a brilliant idea when it seems like I’m stuck, with creativity that puts me to shame and more meticulousness than I can ever hope to have. There is without a shadow of a doubt, no other person I would’ve wanted to navigate the muddied waters of this year with. As I continue to navigate my mental health, neurodivergence and progress in life, there’s still a long way to go and even I don’t know what 2025 has for me, but I know with music, my community and the captain… I’ll be fine (I hope). Have a beautiful year, Oreoluwa. [Share](https://oreodutoye.substack.com/p/this-ones-for-the-captain?utm_source=substack&utm_medium=email&utm_content=share&action=share) --- *Originally published on [Oreoluwa's Musings](https://paragraph.com/@trc/this-ones-for-the-captain)*