# Steamed Hams but it's an NFT

By [tursup.eth](https://paragraph.com/@tursup) · 2024-02-07

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[**Chalmers**](https://simpsons.fandom.com/wiki/Gary_Chalmers): Well, Seymour, I made it, despite your directions.

[**Skinner**](https://simpsons.fandom.com/wiki/Seymour_Skinner): Ah, Superintendent Chalmers, welcome. I hope you're prepared for an unforgettable luncheon!

**Chalmers**: Yeah.

\[_Skinner runs to the kitchen, only to find his roast is burnt and gasps in horror_\]

[**Skinner**](https://simpsons.fandom.com/wiki/Seymour_Skinner): Oh, egads! My roast is ruined! But what if I were to purchase fast food and disguise it as my own cooking? \[_chuckles_\] Delightfully devilish, Seymour.

\[_He begins to climb through the window, but Chalmers enters the kitchen. The theme song to an imaginary show called "Skinner and the Superintendent" then plays:_\]

_Skinner with his crazy explanations,_

_The superintendent's gonna need his medication,_

_When he hears Skinner's lame exaggerations,_

_There'll be trouble in town tonight!_

**Chalmers**: **SEEEEEYMOOUUURRR!!!**

**Skinner**: Superintendent! I was just...uh---just stretching my calves on the windowsill. Isometric exercise! Care to join me?

**Chalmers**: Why is there smoke coming out of your oven, Seymour?

**Skinner**: Uh... ooh! That isn't smoke, it's steam! Steam from the steamed clams we're having. Mmmm, steamed clams!

\[_Once Chalmers leaves the kitchen, Skinner breathes a sigh of relief, climbs out the window, and runs across the street to_ [_Krusty Burger_](https://simpsons.fandom.com/wiki/Krusty_Burger)_, where he buys hamburgers and french fries to replace his burnt roast. He enters the dining room with the fast food on a silver tray._\]

**Skinner**: Superintendent, I hope you're ready for mouthwatering hamburgers.

**Chalmers**: I thought we were having steamed clams.

**Skinner**: Oh no, I said 'steamed hams'. That's what I call hamburgers.

**Chalmers**: You call hamburgers 'steamed hams'?

**Skinner**: Yes! It's a regional dialect.

**Chalmers**: Uh-huh. Eh, what region?

**Skinner**: Uh...upstate New York.

**Chalmers**: Really? Well I'm from Utica and I've never heard anyone use the phrase 'steamed hams'.

**Skinner**: Oh, not in Utica, no. It's an Albany expression.

**Chalmers**: I see.

\[_Chalmers takes a bite out of a burger and chews it a little, while Skinner sips his drink._\]

**Chalmers**: You know, these hamburgers are quite similar to the ones they have at Krusty Burger.

**Skinner**: Hohoho, no! Patented Skinner Burgers. Old family recipe!

**Chalmers**: For steamed hams?

**Skinner**: Yes.

**Chalmers**: Yes, and you call them steamed hams, despite the fact they are obviously grilled.

**Skinner**: Y- Uh.. you know, the... One thing I should... excuse me for one second.

**Chalmers**: Of course.

\[_Skinner enters and leaves the kitchen swiftly upon seeing it is now on fire_\]

**Skinner**: \[_yawns_\] Well, that was wonderful. A good time was had by all. I'm pooped.

**Chalmers**: Yes, I should be--_good lord, what is happening in there?!_

**Skinner**: Aurora Borealis?

**Chalmers**: Ah- _Aurora Borealis?!_ At this time of year, at this time of day, in this part of the country, _localized entirely within your kitchen?!_

**Skinner**: Yes.

**Chalmers**: ...May I see it?

**Skinner**: ...No.

\[_They exit the house as the kitchen fire grows larger._\]

[**Agnes**](https://simpsons.fandom.com/wiki/Agnes_Skinner): Seymour! The house is on fire!

[**Skinner**](https://simpsons.fandom.com/wiki/Seymour_Skinner): No, mother, it's just the Northern Lights.

**Chalmers**: Well, Seymour, you are an odd fellow, but I must say... you steam a good ham.

\[_As Chalmers begins heading home, Agnes screams for help, causing Chalmers to look back towards the house. Skinner gives him a thumbs up and a fake smile, causing him to keep walking away. Once Chalmers is out of sight, Skinner rushes back into the house to deal with the fire._\]

**Agnes**: Help! _HELP!!!_

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*Originally published on [tursup.eth](https://paragraph.com/@tursup/steamed-hams-but-it-s-an-nft)*