He called asking if we were open and came in talking all about crypto and what he does. he told the same story over and over. everyone knew what he did, that he had money because of it and was looking to get any girls number. this guy is a piece of work. a few weeks later he talks about his girlfriend coming to visit over the holiday. events took a turn and they broke up. he was upset, mostly because of the change of events in his life.

i was interested in someone who really wasnt worth my time. but my time with him taught me to hold my boundaries, what i wont tolerate, and how to love myself before anyone else. we spent two months together. it was a lot of fun until every week was a heavy conversation about how i dont value our time together. which was really annoying because i literally spent every bit of my free time with him. i broke up with him after he caused 2 fights during the week my sister was admitted into the hospital. i realized i dont have the energy he needs and so i wasnt being fair to him.

the day i broke up with him, i was scheduled to meet crypto boy and some kratom brewers. hes decided to open a kava bar in miami with a poker dealer who frequents the kava bar i currently work at. i get to ride along too. im learning so much, trying to absorb as much as possible. these brewers are making carbonated kratom and kava, similar to kombucha, with clean ingredients. we want their product in our bar, its the best we’ve had by far.

after the meeting, crypto boy conned me into what turned out to be our first date. del mar, on 5th. oysters and beet salad, i was convinced to get the sea bass and he got the scallops, Greek yogurt and Turkish coffee mousse for desert. this lead to a ride i was not ready for. we went to nectar lab and fiddled with my old computer, setting me up for crypto success. as we parted was i made sure to tell him i didnt want a fuck boy or a boyfriend. i remember a text he sent me, something about being rusty at all this. i brushed it off, thinking no way was this guy about to ignore what i just said. but… every night since then was adventure after adventure. i love adventures.

i was guarded, until the last 2 weeks he was here. ive been hurt and needing to focus on myself. not to mention what i had learned about him with his last relationship. flag on the field, a red flag at that. we talk a lot about real life, the deeper things people don’t like to talk about and admit to. i like to talk about those kind of things. its what really matters anyway. you understand people better that way too. i let people know my story easily so they understand me. he and i connected that way, talking about his daughter, my childhood. we became great friends, i found myself looking for him to walk through the door.

i didnt care about my chores at home or what time i made it to bed, i wanted to be amongst his energy. one night we went up to millennium brewing company, to pick up kava and kratom seltzers. that weekend we were headed to miami to check locations and meet with potential partners, so we needed products for them to sample. stopped at my house for Rocko and to pick up a cooler for the seltzers. at the stop sign, he leaned over the center console and kissed me. right on the lips. surprise! not ready, didnt even kiss back. my face was red all the way until we parked in the back lot at kava. i was anxious and asked to try that kiss again. he smirked and leaned over again. it was a really good kiss. i felt his energy and desire for me rush through my body. shit. i like this guy. the one with the red flag on the field.

miami was really fun, i felt awkward and not sure what i was doing there. we checked into the Gabriel, went to dinner. when we were in the car, he held my hand. it was sweet. the poker dealer and the jewish interested investor sat in the back, sampling the products we’re considering. his driving… we almost died at least 5 times. we ate too much food at a korean bbq. pretty cool experience! a grill built in the table and the server brought meats and sides; we made our own food. s’mores feed our inner child for dessert. crypto boy got marshmallow on his hoodie, i couldnt help but giggle. we explored the kava bars in the area. not much for competition if we build there.

i didnt want to get out of bed the next morning, i wanted to spend the day cuddling. but we were off to meet with a potential advisor.

Growing up we were close. My best friend, my cuddle buddy, my snack getter, the model of my fashion runway shows, and my protector at times. (she’ll kick anyone’s ass if you even look at me wrong) Getting in trouble because we’re up giggling past our bed times or fighting because someone’s clothes wandered into the others closet. A mystery unsolved.

I moved to Florida when I was 19, I continue with this guilt that I left her behind. Though, I know I did what's best for me. Our phone calls and Skype chats faded after a few months. Life gets busy when you're not around. We understood each other and always could feel when we needed a chat. In tune. We spent hours wit each other, 1,447.1 miles apart. It was just what we needed to get us through.

I started to grow my own ways, I found a Florida boy, grew spiritually, and worked in the restaurant industry. Busy is an understatement. She had a boyfriend every opportunity, I thought I had to get her to move down to Florida with me. I wanted my busy life and for her to come be busy with me; but the boyfriend. So I waited until the breakup, call, talk, entice. She came for a visit after she graduated. I was hoping she'd stay forever. It was a fun week. I cried when she left. A little while later, boyfriend. A trait passed down from my mother, we need a man to be our priority. No shade, just what it is.

I'm happy for her! she was with him for 6 years, they bought a house, she was happy. All I ever want for this girl is to be happy. We lost our touch after awhile. Busy being busy with life. Our relationship was spotty and we didn't talk for months and months. It killed me. I knew she was hurting, but functioning. When we did talk, it was 30 mins or less; like we do wit our mother. Simple chats and mildly cold. I was left thinking, " will this ever get better?". I waited until the next call to find out.

7 years later, she finally moved down. Our relationship was still rocky. I was nervous and excited for this new journey. I was ready to end the chapter of life I was in. My other half was here, so we could protect each other through this ride. Newness, a scary ride. It hasn’t been easy since she's been here. I don’t agree with her way of life, and she thinks I have a stick up my butt.

We lived together, it didn’t work. We butted heads hard. I was going through a divorce, she was settling into everything new. We were anxious and depressed. We parted ways in April. Both of us were hurting, hardly speaking in the moments to follow. We were civil with each other when we crossed paths; back to mildly cold. I wanted to hold her close and never let her go.

She’s now hit a hard point in her life. The emotions she has valid, but working through them is the challenge. I hate seeing her go through this. Its tearing me apart. Life doesn’t have to be this hard. She protects me by standing up for me, I protect her by advice and love. There are many times I don’t want her to stand up for me, and many times she doesn’t take my advice and love. She was scared to call me, scared to ask for help. I don’t know why… pride? Maybe. I don’t know how many times I’ve told her, she’s not alone. Maybe through this point of life, she’ll see, I’m on her to win more than I want to win.

Now that were caught up to now, I have to say, I’m incredibly drained. But I will still go up and stand outside the window and wave to her. We dance and be silly, like when we were when we were kids. She cries, I cry when I leave. I will move mountains for this girl, and I’ll drain myself of every last bit of energy. Does she know it? Will she return to being cold and emotionless towards me? I have hope this time. The way she cries for my hugs and my love; I know I’m her safe place. I know I am. I feel her energy needing the safety of me. Something I’m learning, feeling other’s energy; its both blessing and burden.

Now that she’s home, I'm worried she’ll fall back into the same habits. The alcohol. I wish she could find better friends. Or just be okay with being her own friend. Rely on me to be her friend. But she’s a social butterfly, I know that. She needs the interaction. But if she dedicates herself into dance, or any positive influence would be good. She has all this energy she needs to get out. She’s talked about going to school to be an EMT. She wants to help people, which is great, unfortunately you cant help others without helping yourself first.

She’s back with this guy now and back to the same habits, minus the drinking, that I know of. I don’t approve of him because he doesn’t have anything to offer her regarding her growth. She had so many goals and was motivated to make them happen. Now, not so much, she’s dragging her feet on it. She still needs a job and a room to rent; thankfully she’s got her Jeep back to help her get from place to place to make those things happen. Because she’s got her focus on this guy, she’s dragging her feet on it.

The protector in me is going crazy.