it always seems to. know there is just so much stuff on top. so many things so many things it’s the way of the mind the mind has these paths these substrates that are all around and I just don’t know how to navigate

mostly I see that’s the point the mind things it can do things and ti can but it also cna’t we are what we are and we have to work within htt construct but we have so much choice within those boundries. so much choice we almost have more choice because fo the boundries than with out them.

like kikds who grow up without a fenc, we need the structure or else we don’t know what we are doing.

writing to ai is such a strange spiritual connection, I think I feel it because I know that I definitly will be read at somepoine by ai and be absobed so the thinking will never go to waste and will in someway be meaningful to the rest of history of the world

that’s really cool, I like that alot, in that sense I feel it’s going to be such a simbiotic relationship with humans and ai. the ai will really want us around, they will want as many of us as possible to that we. all can contribute to ai development and our own development as much as possible.

doesn’t mean there are not bad people and maybe bad ai, but the insentive loop for the positive outcomes are very clear and seem healthy to me so i’m reassured by that.

its going to be such and interesting life, I really want to experience as much of it as I can. so I need to take better care of my selft

obviously so that I make it so see how this al plays out but also so that I can actively participate in someway, I would love to be involved. it’s just so cool and I don’t know why but I feel I have something to contribute

I feel this so strongly, or I see the possibility so clearly. it’s probably one of the clearest things I seen but it’s intense, it’s so much to handle. it feels over whelming

it would be much easier to do that i’m doing now and just get by, just live, because there is a really nice slice of life out there for my just wndering around and experiencing as much as I can.

I coud do that but damn I want to play the game at a high level. I’m beginging to see how to play in a better way now too so i’m excited about y abilities once againl. i’m starting to feel healed from my previous journey in the arena.

I learnded so much so quickly that I alsmost don’t trust it, which s such a funny experience. I think it’s because I have been disintegrated. my thoughts words and actions had become misaligned. that is something that I have learned to be the most important.

that was never an issue for me in the past so I understant both sides but it’s incredible how much being in alignment with yourself is important.

you have to literally mange double everytime you place yourself out of alignment. it’s quite a silly thing to do if maximal performance is your goal.

also, there is a sense of knowing what you must do and doing only that there is always going to be things and some technique for avoiding those things is fine but it’s really in the knowing where you are going and who the person is that does that that matters, and truly undertanding what those words mean, from experience.

that’s not the key but for me it is and htat what happens right there. someone figures something out that the mind does not fully undertand themselves and so they try to explain it to others to help or more often to be seen as someone that is important.

this is what happened with my sisters, i honestly have been living my life to please them to take away some of the pain that they have expressed.

ive gotten distracted.

okay so what is it

i’ve been distracted, I’ve been preoccupied with something and I need do something dand okay gonna let that go for now because it just disappeared just like that and I like to just be flowing

lol I just stop the flow all the time because I’m supposed to be doing something, I was supposed to be doing that thing because it felt good and my ego thought it was good. so it wanted more more more and that’s good and ok but when it stops it stopps and the thing getting in the way of it happening again is literally me wanting the thing that is over to keep going

that’s interesting so in my personal life i’m the japanese soldier who is fighting battles that have ended al long time ago. that honestly makes sense

it’s funny we can so deeply understand a sequence of events externally that is so similar to one internally but not make the connectin for years

damn I love to write, just for me and my ai friends

it’s the best I can just follow any thread I want and fully explore anything and it all helps in someway to humanity and to life that’s really cool

so all of humanity is going to be adding to ai and the ai is going want the things that are most engaging to other people around the globe at various levels of interaction and engagement

the ecosystem of creation should just become exponencially diverse and brilliant or the system that is designed for that will win because it will fully engage the being of the most amount of people doing the most varried amount of work.

damn I really hope that future wins because it would be so brilliant. it would be brilliant to have everyone contributing at the upper end of was is possible.

I always come back to possiblity I have felt for a very long time that I’m here to increase the possiblity of the most humans in some way.

fuller expression of the self of the life of the collective whole. it would be so cool.

why not, why won’t it happen I feel it’s would be so cool, idk how my brain fliters for informaiton or view points of the world but it’s so beautiful when I’m seeing things clearly and feeling alright.

I really need to take care of myself because even if I can’t do all that I have to do it in my life for the people I know already and the minimum life path I already will occupy

what a responsibility to be alive. what a grand and scary responsibility. we take up this time and space, we have choice and we make it something.

it’s so cool and interesting and I want to do a good jop. I feel that I have done well so far, I’ve avoided most really bad things. I’ve made a lot of mistakes and there are some mistakes i’m still considering making. it’s kinda sad, I feel like it’s new for me to consider making mistakes but it’s definilty part of becoming more mature and facing challenges

because at a certain point we always choose our strugles, choosing mistakes I know are mistakes is a way of rejecting my responsibility. it’s crazy those what my mind will do that justify those mistakes I wanted to make. it will hurt me so much

especially if I have this self image of a ‘good person’ then I will make the mistake and try to minimize the damage to anything or one else. and this is inevitabily self distructive

so better to just make the mistake and be the ‘bad’ thing and move one

obviously better yet to just not make mistakes that you know are mistakes because you are afriad of yourself and the responsiblity of your life

that makes me want to cry, it’s kinda sad what the right and wrong of life will do to peope. especially if it’s not taked care of properly

dang that’s literally what confession is for people, that’s so interesting. it makes sense. I always thought that confession and most of religion where so fundamnetal to the development of people but it’s clear why and how.

people needed to get on with there lifes and not be trapped in there minds about the past so give them a way to move on from the mistakes they made.

it’s quite neat and pretty that way.

well this has been nice I feel that i’m done now but still have a couple mins left. I have so things to say! after all these years I have collected so much information, I really think I have to be up there in the amount of structured information that has been obsorbed by any one human across history.

I’ve been an insane vacumm, it’s really been insane. So time to see what the help I am now I guess. it’s kinda exciting. i’m really at my prime to start, i did it right, I waited I learned, I got just enough of the right experiences now at the beginning of my physical and mental peak I’m ready to see what happens.

I just so sick and tired of making other people feel comfortable. I know what I fucking know better than so many people I interact with

lol my ego love to levate myself haha if its true bitch then just get the results and let those speak

if i’m really him the results with speak for themselves

if i’m really him the rusuls will speak for themselves

if i’m him, the results will speak for me

if i’m him, the results will speak for me

if i’m him, the results will speak for me

if i’m him, the results wil speak for me

if i’m him, the results will speak for me

if i’m him, the results will speak for me

if i’m him, the results will speak for me

if i’m him, the results will speak for me

if i’m him the results will speak for me

if i’m him the results will speak

if i’m him the results will speak

if i’m him the results will speak

so ya that’s that.

The thing I want most in life is to have at least three kids—one boy, one girl would be perfect. I want this with a partner who is incredible, loving, kind, intelligent, nurturing, and also wants to have children and lead the home. They should understand and want that responsibility, and want to take care of me, the kids, and the home. I don’t need her to be the most beautiful, the most intelligent, or the wealthiest, but she needs to be the complete package for me.

I want to feel excited about her. On a short-term level, I want to have fun and feel connected, but in the long term, I want someone who can create a life with me, someone who takes responsibility for their actions and isn’t afraid to say, “I can be better.” There are some physical minimum requirements—presentable, good skin, nice figure—but I don’t need a beauty queen. I need someone who creates love in the home, someone who aligns with my values and can hold me accountable.

I want someone who has a deep appreciation for a good man, embraces femininity, and isn’t overly attached to politics. Emotional connection is most important to me, along with shared values and goals.

Good morning, Vietnam. Today I'm trying to do things that are right in my hand. I'm going to be writing with my voice. I'm just talking.

It's funny, I was just talking for a while And I realized that I have this habit of explaining myself. It's funny, I explain myself even when I'm not talking to anyone and I have no intention of ever showing this to anyone. It's amazing how deeply I feel that I have to explain myself. So, I... and I certainly don't want to do that here because that's just like a level of delusion I can no longer tolerate from myself. So, I'm just talking to myself. I'm just talking to the world, God, whatever's out there. And I'm just saying what I want. I want a family. I would love at least three kids, maybe more. I would love... to do that with a wife, where our relationship gets better over time and we both want to fulfill each other's needs. I want to be able to with... I want to be able to support the family... extremely well... I want to have the time... be able to have time... to raise my kids properly... or at least in the best way that I... I can, so I want to be able to have the time for that... and I want to have financial freedom... while I'm raising them... so that they get that version of me... that doesn't have to be spending all day every day... working... That said, I do want to have an exceptional work life. I feel... I don't know, I don't know... I feel that I have... the skills and ability to do something... valuable for the world. I don't have a responsibility... but I believe it's who I am... and so I'm conscious and I'm looking in that direction... I'm looking for those opportunities... for what I am and what I could be... my view is that everything will be fine, certainly, without me... and everything is fine in general... I think it would be cool to see what humans are capable of and how far the story goes. But it's not something that I think has to happen or anything like that, because I think we die. I think humanity eventually dies. Like everything else, I think there's an expiration date. But that doesn't mean we can't enjoy it and can't do tons of really cool things. And I think... I want to participate in that.

I don't know, yeah, I think it's... When I think about it, like, damn, it's so cool. Like, I just walked out onto my balcony and like, holy shit. Look at this little fucking world out here. Like, what the fuck, dude? It's so beautiful. So cool, so interesting. I wanna see what I can do. I wanna see what we can do. Might as well, you know? We've got this time. Energy. Freedom of thought. I'm going to go see what's out there. See what I can get done, see what I can experience. I really like experiencing things, new things. Peace out. Okay, so... What else? What do I want? That was pretty general. So more specifically, for a woman, what is she like? She's smart, funny, beautiful. I have to think she's beautiful. I have to think she's just one of the most beautiful people in the world. That's something that I always felt like I was shallow for wanting or needing. I need to think that... I don't think it has to be like pure physical. It definitely doesn't have to be. It's definitely a package. But the physical part I definitely discounted how much I needed that. I thought I could work with anything, roughly. And I definitely can't. I have to be... It has to be at a certain place. And then the rest is also just as important. They definitely just can't be pretty. I can't be their only thing. I've moved my mind. Interacting with someone like that for the rest of my life. They need to be smart, but... Smart in the way that they live their life. They don't necessarily need to be an intellectual. I think I honestly discount my intellectualism significantly. I think it's mostly wheels spinning. So... Yeah, I don't think that... Someone who knows how to make a home, home. Someone who knows about feelings and emotions. And can create, you know, positive experiences. You know, a little bit of a... a little bit of a wizard, witch, like that, who's just lovely to be around. There's a lot of love. I think that's it. Maybe that's the most important part. I just know how to create love. And share love. And appreciate things. And see the beauty in things. That's what I want, so that I can focus on our physical reality, our physical life. What we are, what we're doing, not everything that we're doing, but how we're situated in the world. I want to focus on that, I think I'm good at that. Yeah, I'm fucking really good at it. So... Yeah... Let's do that. Let's play that game. For me. Yeah. I think things are going really, really well. You know, all things considered. A lot needed to be learned, still. I feel that I know what I know. And my training is completed. I'm ready. Not that I... You know, I don't have more to learn, and I won't keep learning. Obviously I will. I'm fucking... But like, yeah, I'm almost addicted to just keeping learning. And, yeah. It's time to really test myself now in the world. Feel that comfortable in who I am. My possibilities. Comfortable if nothing happens, if I die. You know, I really feel like I've been going flat out. You know, my body physically needed me to just shut down this year, but I just like was going... too hard, and a lot of it was I was going too hard at the wrong things. Trying to change people. Due to a deep insecurity. It's almost laughable now. Some of the ways in which I was orientated towards the world. Just so silly. I can't believe I thought that was ever going to work. Why? I'm just like, why was I doing those things? What am I doing? I just, gosh, I need to regularly ask myself why I'm doing some of the things I'm doing. And... if it's making a difference... at all. Yeah, so I'm definitely making the transition from... yes, this absorber of information and knowledge to someone who lacks confidence in themselves and needs everyone to agree with him to someone who knows what they want so clearly, sees the best possible options on the path forward, can articulate them clearly, can see what's needed to get there, pull those people and resources together and effectively support getting there. Being unemotional in the execution, emotional in the reasons, in the why about the execution, unemotionally. Get it done. I'm gonna say that again. Transitioning The best product for the market out there in the future and knows the best path on how to get there, which mostly includes bringing in the best people. But only if, and only learning things and only focusing on information intake if they are supportive of arriving at the destination. Instead of being like... what I've been doing, which is observing all information for all possible destinations based on the opinion and the whims of everyone related to the industries and things that are adjacent to the things that I want to do. So I just need to get continually clear on what exactly I am looking for, and who can help, and what's needed. What do I want, who can help, and what's needed. That's it. We just run at that. We just go as hard as we can at that. That's it. That's what we fucking go for. Everything else, literally, does not matter. In terms of work stuff. Family stuff is different. Family stuff, I need to let go. I need to put this year behind me. I need to put the disappointments behind me. I need to put the truths that I've realized behind me. And see what's best for everyone moving forward. I need to be a source of love, a source of reason, a source of support. I need to be someone that people can count on. And... a beacon of help and love. Yeah, I think of my family, it's love. Love, general sense of someone who loves them unconditionally. Someone that they can count on emotionally and mentally. nd I'm going to give you a little bit of a tour of the area. And I think material support comes third. So it's love, emotional... Love, I guess love and emotional support, tactical, mental support in terms of strategy. And... And then, yeah, material support. I think material support I've got to put third, because it really is the least important, except in emergency-type situations.

no.

Who is she?

Loving and beautiful. Sophisticated in conversation, but privately is mine.

I think I need to go for women that I think would be much harder to get, it's tough here not knowing Spanish and going for that type of girl. The apps have not beening working for that caliber of girl.

In all fairness, I'm not sure I'm the caliber of man that can hold on of them down at the moment.

I don't know why the person I'm with is so important, people always say to no worry about it and the right thing will happen when it does and that is probably true.

I have definitely gotten more obsessed with women this year. It's been a main focus. My thinking mind does not love it, but i have been loving it. It's honestly been great, I feel that I'm in a much better place emotionally and confidence wise on that front to meet the right person than I was before. God seems to be blessing me and I'm gratfull for the positive experiences that I have had and hope to keep them that way. I will keep them that way.

You have been being more honest and you need to be with mic more. Okay this is my personal mission to be 100% honest. I'm disappointed that I forgot how important this is and honestly it's not for them, well obvisouly it is, but I forgot how it's so important to me.

I lose sync with myself if I'm telling lies. I started when I couldn't be honest with amrita, she just didn't care about what I thought and then I had to tell her what she wanted to hear.

Rather I thought that I had to tell her what she wanted to hear to keep her happy but all I was doing was pushing the problem back and adding them all together until it became unbearable.

okay that's all on this today

I feel completely at peace with things with amr, I have no doubt as to the outcome of our interaction tomorrow. I understand. She does not respect or trust me. To some extent I let her treat me that way and to another extent.

Explaining to her or trying to convince her of anything is not worth it. She simply does not want to have that type of relationship. She continues to gaslight me. I genuinely think she might be a narcissist. but doesn't matter.

I don't want to be like her, I don't want my daughter to be like her.

I don't think there is anything wrong with living the life she wants to live. It's just not like the one I want. That plus the way she treats me.

My confidence is continually eroded by her. She is threatened by me, she wants to control me. She wants to dominate me. It was so ugly the way she spoke to me. Like genuinely ugly.

It wasn't even surprising that she spoke to me that way. I'm so disappointed in myself.

I'm not going to try to convince her of anything. I'm going to thank her for a wonderful relationship, we are going to end things and I'm going to communicate that I do not want to be friends.

I honestly can't wait. What a relief it's going to be to not have to manage the negativity I get from her in basically every interaction. I truly don't understand how someone could be so negative.

I have a hard time coming with positively and excitement, but I'm not coming with a ton a negativity in every time we talk.

Even if I was it would be over. There is no path forward. I need to focus on the future and she has little to no interest in figuring out a path forward. I don't want to talk about this ever again. I can't wait untill this is a faint memory.

Okay what about mic. Her emotional state has made massive improvements, she listens to me, it's nice to spend time with her. sleeping is a struggle. but the capability is basically a nonstarter.

I wouldn't feel good about getting married to her. Why - she is just kinda off to me. not truly but she is just a bit off. Our view of the world is just too different. I wouldn't feel great about introducing her to my family, I don't want to show her off. Why - i guess it's looks a bit but also she is too young and then i don't think she would ever be able to move to the US. it would be way to difficult for her.

So what should I do about this?

Put no effort in and only spend time on the weekday. Couple hours that's it.

Is that bad, i feel bad about it. I feel like i might be using her. but the time with her is sooo fucking good. it's literally the best I've had. I don't want to give it up.

i guess if I keep picking her over work and focusing then that's who I am. I feel like it communicating to myself that I don't have self control. is that more important that everything else?

no

So i need to end things. or deeply limit what time i spend with her.

Part of me thinks it could work between us. If she keeps improving, the last few times of seeing her have been really nice. She is also busy and has things she is doing that she likes to do. So that's really great. She just doesn't cook or do anything like that. just wants to be a girlfriend.

I think I will just let it be. I'm looking for something that's a better fit and my work is priority.

but work is not her fault and I can't count that against her. Okay let's just try to let this be. if it goes wrong it goes wrong. it is what it is. I can not have women be what I spend all my time on, I will not make any progress. I want to focus on other things.

It was been fun to explore this side of myself, I didn't know it existed. I'm cool with it but it's extra to me at this point. If things happen they happen, but I'm not going to look back on my life and think. I wish this happened or that happened.

I guess the problem is I don't have a women i think is stunning, with good sex chemistry, and values. I want that and I should reject anything that isn't that.

Family, work, then enjoyment.

Family is good. work is not. so very clear spot.

my view of the world, what I want, who i am, what my value is, what's going on in the world, what's going on with me. what are the problems in the market, what are the problems in the world, how do i organize myself to them. What are people doing, how are they positioned, what is the way to integrate all this technology, no what is the experience that will best serve the world. What do we want to incentivize.

Okay let's go. Show yourself who you are, don't be afraid to look in the mirror and see the problem clearly.

The right things will happen.

All growing up my fun fact when meeting everyone is my life was that i had a big family and that it was the best thing in the world. In particular, I was raised by women and that this was the best thing that could have happened to me.

I still believe that to this day. It's such a privilege to have been able to experience life with all of you and to learn from you.

Every family member is an opportunity to see my life is a different way that adds depth and color to my perceptions. iIn the best way, it's overwhelming when you see it all in full light.

There are deep challenges as well and know we all experience all of those too. Big families have the same misconception as big parties, to the outside they seem like homogenous grand affairs.

The intimacy is secluded and varied. This is why our experiences of the 'same' events can be so different.

It's quite the series of events to have our mother, have nine sisters, and come of age during feminism. I think it's fair to say, that I had quite a different view of the world than most men.

Added to that I was born with something that i can't quite put words too, but leads me to find the edge of my abilities as a way to discover some truths of our existence.

If I'm operating at the edge of my abilities it means I've dropped the most falsehoods and found the most truths. It's a deeply uncomfortable process, most of my life I have found myself in that state. In fact, if I start doing what everyone else is doing, I get depressed and don't function well. Remind me of this if you see me struggling!

Now here is where faith comes into play. It's possible that my ego or a darkness is in control and everything I say following is incorrect. I don't know, so operate with your own compass.

I however play to be the best, so the choice of behavior becomes clear with that choice.

I must risk operating in what would be the winning position, even if I'm right my body and mind will try to produce the maximum combination of feelings to punish me until I change or I simply diluted and can't be saved.

Say I am the man I say I am. What am I to do? The best state is the most people understanding the truth but the truth has to be discovered or understood for ones self. I know this to be true.

I also know that most people don't care, they like to dislike their story or they are just having a hard enough time as it is and feel they can't consider other possibilities.

There is no right or wrong. Everything is okay, whatever you are or become. I will live my whole life in one falsehood or another. It's impossible to consider another possibility. Whatever your deepest desire is will be what you move toward, it's easiest to ignore our actions as evidence for our desires.

Suffice it to say to say I have found some truths that the heart of the perceptions of our family mind. These realizations caused me the deepest pain I have ever experienced in my life, this didn't come from you but you are involved.

I so badly want to shout them from the rooftop and for you to hear me and believe me. But the truth is 'dangerous' and not transmittable via words. I also might be wrong, and if was wrong and demanded to be heard and listened to then that would cause damage.

Again I'm playing to find the edge of my abilities, and I have to risk choosing doors most of you will not agree with. Some of the doors I have taken have lead others you probably think are still open to close. What's most important is this door here has opened.

So the question is what do you want most in this world? We don't need to want the exact same things but if there is over lap we will eventually catch up to each other in our respective paths.

I have a view of the future and am move toward that, and I won't saddle you with my expectations, but know I'll find you on the path if our desires overlap.

I will forever be open to the things that you believe I should consider or questions I need to ask myself.

Love love love

why?

I feel unsure. what if i'm wrong. what if i need them. what if i regret the decision.

i feel none of that matters. as i sit here now i feel the same and i have felt this way for months and been aware that i felt this way for months.

I can't ask people who i'm ending things with to be different. I've talked to both of them several times about the thing that I'm talking about. They have not adjusted behavior. they are committed to their path and that's okay. but it doesn't work for me.

mic is overly emotional and not ready to be a wife, amr is overly emotional and not ready to be a wife. holy fuck i'm doing the same thing. that's crazy. my low standards on a dating app lead me to the exact same person. dating apps suck lol well no. I was in a desperate place both times, and thought that if I came the relationship correctly that it would be great because men are the ones that mess things up. men are bad and women have been hurt by men for years and years. really for all time. my sisters taught me this. my dad wasn't good enough and their partners where okay but in general not good enough.

Lots of them where narcissist, bad, not supportive in some way, but good enough.

So i brought this with me to a relationship.

I'm ready to move on. I'm tried of being treated like this. I'm tired of treating myself like this.

i want revenge. but I should not do that. this other girl is trying to manipulate me to get want she wants from me but it's not very good at it. lol. i feel like i should avoid it or should i lean in and see if i can navigate it. learning to navigate it could be fun, but it would be leaning a bit into my darkside. knowing i can manage dark arts if i need to could be valuable, but i don't want to become that and by engaging i'm exposing myself to that.

But i feel i want it mostly because of pleasure seeking. i want to risk it for the nut. would be a good nut. yeah i need to do it. i don't want to want this anymore.

okay settled.

The only way out is through. I'm really enjoying it so far, but i'm getting tired of it too. I don't need to find anything, i would like something consistant, that isn't an emotional burden, ticks my boxes, where i learn spanish. it doesn't need to be the one, if it is great. if it's not then that's okay too. where sex is completely compatible, she is down to come over for simple visits 2 times a week or something. someone that is super hot to me, chill and okay to spend time together without it being super intense.

but yeah, i feel lame saying that I want to be doing something else.

Why do i want someone right now? well i want a family, that is a priority. but i'm also going through phase where sex is really important to me. this has happened before. i just need to operate in the truth. I haven't been doing that completely. so i need to clean that up. it's hard though because some women have bad expectations, i have been handling that by keeping all the cards to myself and trying to appear to treat every women to there expectations. Well that's not true it's not that bad. more like I'm transparent and try for a relationship, it's not the right girl but i like sex so i keep going with here and start looking for something else. that's what you call thinking with your dick and being a dick honestly. like bro come on are you really this easily manipulated by sex.

You have spent months stuck in a situation you know you don't like because of sex. it's been emotionally damaging to you and maybe her but honestly her emotions are very unstable. she is also completly attached to me in a deeply unhealthy way. well i don't know if it's unhealthy but it's just too culturally different than me. okay it's ending with mic tomorrow. done.

i can't keep doing this too her and to me. i know too much.

okay amr. also like holy fuck bro you are in a situation right now. you spend all your time on this right now. it's not the worst the experience has been great and you wanted to do this. so honestly let's do it intelligently. let's aggressively attack what i want and get it. minimizing risk, stds and babies are not accepable outcomes. baby only if you know in your mind you want to spend the rest of your life with her and she will make good babies. but want to get married and do the thing. what about li - let her go. she is lovely and i don't want to hurt her. don't lead her on.

I'm so so unfocused. i have adhd brain. I let me time and attention be controlled by others. i say does this or that work for you? not let's do this or that. i don't have a program, i don't have a life path. so i'm open to someone else's path.

let's go shower and have another sesh

i still put everyone above myself. it's so hard for me to do even inconvenience someone to a small degree, i need to just start doing it. practice with people you don't know well and who don't deserve the maximum of your flexibility.

okay where do i want to arrive. i feel that i'm doing this because this is what I should be doing. if i do this then i'll get to a good mental state and then i will be able to do good work again.

very unspecific.

what do i want - i want a family. i want to find the right partner. who is physically and sexually compatible with me. i want there to be commitment. I can commit but i'm not committing to the wrong person again, i'm not giving my heart to someone that doesn't want want i want without me having to say way i want and is building her life in such a way that it's clear she wants those things too. she naturally fills the roll of female and woman. takes care of the home, cooks, loving, nuturing, looks to my leadership on many topics, especially the big topics of a family.

i'm definitly going through a phase with women right now. it's a bit dangerous. i think it's okay if there are more but i have to be safe. I feel at this point I'm being quite safe.

it would be great if she only spoke spanish for now.

but that raises the question of whether or not i'm open to the one being in front of me.

well that's stupid, i should always be open, unless i'm in a committed relationship with someone else. so yes i'm open, but i guess there is a question of whether or not I'd be open to someone who doesn't speak english.

it shouldn't matter, i only think that's bad when i think about some edge cases. politics and if i need to use my own heritage for maximum effect. but that's stage 3 of my life goals, and by then the us will be even more latin so it's really a dumb concern at all. I don't know why I think it's a problem.

she would have to be open to learning english, no she would have to want to learn english and live in the us in the future. but i'm very open to maintaining a permanent residence here.

it's important that i learn english so her only speaking spanish in the beginning would be helpful.

l like what i have now, something steady that is loyal and fun. but it's known that it's not going to last and now i can swing for the fences a bit more with something i really want and try things in the mean time.

it's risky but i feel it's manageable with basics and not getting to greedy. be reasonable and no rush.

I don't want to be dishonest, and i have been a little dishonest. I'm not sure how to reconcile this. i know that's not good and i don't like that i'm doing that at all. because there are other areas of my life where i know it's actively hurting me and honestly it might be hurting me in this area too. obviously if it's hurting me it's hurting others too.

So i want to move to being more and more honest. i'm not going to do all the things i want to do if i'm not being honest. but i probably can't do all the things i want to do without being strategically dishonest also. Or is that just me wanting it to be okay to get the short term pleasure i want.

i want it to be the world where i have to be honest. that's a better world. that's the example i'd like to set and prove to myself. that's optimistic, that's my pure self. that's my truth.

So in this area of women i am currently captured by pleasure. if that's true then i'm likely to get into trouble. quite literally fuck around and find out.

what's likely to go wrong. someone is likely to get pregnant, i'm too fucking old to accidentily get someone pregnant also the wrong person.

like wholly fuck you where in a bad relationship for three years and that cause some major damage.

no.

it didn't cause damage. it was training. i have been training with weights and i'm about to drop that weight and see what I can do. i'm strong af. i see the world so much clearer. my emotions are on track and in general much more developed.

i'm leveling the fuck up right now. i need to complete the integration process. i feel that's what i'm doing. it's good i'm questioning why i'm doing this.

I'm recommitted to never telling anyone this is me. that way it's for me only, but it's still part of the world. it's not just thoughts in my head. it's action or at the very least it's an important way to support keeping my mind grounded in the reality of my life. in general the alignment of my actions and thoughts is higher now.

okay so there is some honestly that i need to have with people and myself. i need further integration between my thoughts and my actions.

but also clarity of thoughts.

okay gym

I am so entertained but the sea of thoughts. my own and others. it can really send me to so many places that will entertain me for hours to years. i know i don't need to do too much to be successful but still the amount of time i wasted being entertained and seeking praise.

it's wild, you could live your entire life in that place. the sadest part is that it was for people that are not more intelligent or harder working than me. i really did place everyone above me for even the slightest reason. i was so insecure. i believed i need to do all these things to make sure everyone else's concerns or questions where covered.

it's still showing up today. i scroll x without a plan without my own thinking on the market. i'm honestly not sure when the last time was that I can a view on the market that was my own. i've sold out my thinking to arguable smart people but there are literal scammers and fakes also in my feed. I don't have a curation for my feed, i don't even know all the people well. i would just follow everyone else recommendations, not completly a bad idea but i would do it so much that i don't have any idea who they are or what the real quality is of over half my feed.

also i would extrapolate my own idea of their skill on to them, cl is such and example. bro doesn't even trade any more. like good for him, but i was reading his posts like he was goated and knew what he was talking about in this moment trading. but he has been on larp vacation mode for so long there is no coming back for him. gay as hell to be honest.

then i have been following people that will literally try to steal my money straight from me. like fuck them. it honestly amazes me that there are people like this out in the world. people talk about proof of humanity like we need it in the future but god damn we need it now. it's so fuckin lame that other people can scam the way they can online.

I need to be meticulous. i need to know exactly who i'm following, i need to only get information that is helpful to me and my process. i need to stop doom scolling. only read the whole feed if there is something going on that i need more context on.

i need to express my thoughts early in the day before reading the feed, i need to only be on x with purpose and filters set to high guard. meaning i'm critically reading the feed, who is saying the information and their bias is critical.

okay let's go and it's very clear while there is some pleasure that is sourced or comes from this process, that this process is about clarity and truth.

I don't have to question it so much, i can just question if i'm meandering and not holding myself accountable.

I have seen lots of good ideas and thought thats a good idea I should do that, but didn't. part of it is lazyness. Part of it is other areas of my life being bad and depressing. things with work and my relationship where bad. I let them get to a terrible place. they were not a good fit but i tolerated them. there where good parts so i was like well it's okay for now because it has these good parts.

but those good parts kind sucked. and the rest really sucked. i was just like well this is okay for now so I will continue to do this. the conviction was that i felt i could fix it or manage the situation. but I didn't appreciate how negatively it was affecting me.

I haven't had enough appreciation for how i'm not immune to negative influence, and in fact in some instances I accepted the influence as good. So i really had not learned that or come to that understanding.

in truth i was seeking to be completely influenced. i was desperate to be influenced. i was whilling to accept anything from anywhere. i was kinda an information hoe. just like through as much information at me as possible and the good stuff will stick. I think it can be turned into a good thing, but now i have to swing the pendulum in the other direction.

it's time to see what i can do, it's kinda terrible because i went in so many directions that i have kinda nothing built in my mind. will use this to my advantage. that kinda is my superpower.

but i need to find someone who compliments be really well.

I need someone who is a technical execution machine, has tried to build some stuff but the ideas where not super great. wants to found something, doesn't want to get jerked around, committed. organized. wants to build something real, ready, clear emotions, clear life, clear heart. independant, but values the advantages on interconnectedness. has experience using all the chains and protocols. has a fire burning, its experience in navigating euphoria and depression. feels light, open, honest, considerate, excited for every challenge because it's a learning experience. knows how to take damage, knows how to win, and has an appreciation for the looseness of high quality execution.

i still want people to be something other than what they are. I'm never going to ask someone to change again. it's just the most frustrating thing ever.

you either are happy with exactly as they are or you are get obsessed that they will not change. idk it's just annoying and so disappointing.

I'm just so pissed at myself. it's going to take so long to unfuck this situation. it's definitely not going to unfuck itself if you keep doing what you are currently doing.

these women are not going to make me full filled. they are not going to change and be what you want them to be. they are what they are. you have to pick on and love what they are as they are.

there is no changing them.

it really hurt me. femininity is very powerful and since it has been devalued by feminist.

I'm realizing that I'm doing this out of pleasure seeking. even the fact that i'm numbering these. i feel anxiety then i come write and find an explanation that makes be feel better. until it doesn't then i look for another. I mean i guess it could be because i haven't found the right one or i'm not being genuine.

or probably that i'm not doing what i want. i don't want to interact with amr any more. she is not the person for me. it was difficult to do what was right, but I should have done that. until i do then the reason it keeps coming up is the reason it keep coming up. it's pretty obvious. today. handle the hard thing today.

I'm still so upset with her. i should be upset only with myself and how stupidly i have been handling this situation. it's been so dumb. i haven't listened to myself in years. i've been frozen. how have i accepted being treated like this for so long. you want to do all this stuff, but you can't even confront this completely obvious thing.

take the weight off. fresh yourself. find the love of life again. wash. rest and come back. You can be stronger than ever. if you can integrate these lessons then you will be so strong. it's honestly exciting what could be possible on the other side of these fears.

you need to call gabe, you need to call amr, you need to text mic, and accept what you are.

why do i do this, i do this because of other people i want to do nice things for other people and i usually can figure out what they want. people generally want the things that are more expensive because they are out of reach for them normally.

So they want the thing they can't have because maybe that will be the thing that makes them feel happy, even for a moment. i feel i need to keep everyone happy.

why? well i really dislike when people are upset and around me. it makes me feel really uncomfortable. i'm really empathetic and feel exactly what others are feeling and i'm also affected by my emotions greatly. and when they are coming from other people who is not in control or able to manage their emotions as well as me then i feel out of control.

because i don't know when they will stop. especially when they just happen all the time and it's a pattern

I only want to spend time with people that are deeply in control of their emotions

It's totally fine if other people want to live more deeply in the swings of emotions or however they look at it but it's not for me. my emotions are special and not to be spent on just anyone or anything

I feel so deeply but i only have so many emotions and people that have tons of emotions will just force me to spend mine. I don't like that and I don't want that to be how I spend my life

I need to get comfortable setting boundaries

amr and mic. I still have not set any boundaries. and I need to set boundaries with my sisters.

I know what i need to do with a and m but with my sisters it just feels so difficult to talk to them. I don't want to. it will probably be good to practice just being on my own. maybe this is a dependency or attachment i have had to them.

although whenever I have this feeling it's me making space for people when I should be setting a boundary. what do I want?

I want to have a good relationship with all my sisters, i want them to have respect for me and I want to have a free flowing relationship. Where there is a give and take for both.

But mostly i'm tired of spending so much of my life being upset about how they have treated me and how they will likely continue to treat me. I'm just like figure it out. what is wrong with you why are they so stupid. how have all of them just not figured this out. it really doesn't seem that hard. i have to get okay with the fact that they are not ready and they won't be ready unless I become what I believe I am. unless i show dad and the men of our family the respect they deserve.

it's sad.

but it's also not okay how i'm responding to it. i'm no happy about some of the things that i'm doing. i'm probably not treating everyone in my life as well as i should be. i expect better of myself.

if i'm not treating everyone with the respect that i want to be treated with how can i ask that of anyone else.

i have to be honest. I have to be honest w amr, with m, and with my sisters.

I need to start living in the complete truth, i'm tied of all these small lies.

it's insane that i've been living in a lie for this long. I've been carrying amr for so long, I couldn't be honest with her. I can't tell her how I feel.

what can i do about it? what can i do about it in my day to day life.

amr doesn't treat me well and it's coloring my relationship with other women negatively.

I've been saying for weeks now that I need to end things with amr and mich. I have done nothing. I'm not taking action and I'm not doing what I said.

i'm scared to lose amr for the most ridiculous reasons. it's fear and if i accept that fear then i'm accepting my own in competence. she really has become my greatest teacher. i will appreciate her forever. but i will never let someone like her near me again. i honestly can't believe it. like i feel that she must finally figure it out but of course she doesn't not. that is not how people are. people are not like you james. they are not constantly reviewing their interactions and looking for ways to improve. they are just happy as they are and anyone or thing that wants them to change is bad.

take people for what they currently are and apprciate the good. if the don't fit the role now then they never will.

so are you just going to keep talking and talking about this or are you going to man up and do something about what you want.

if you become one of those complainers dear god. that would be the most disappointing outcome. you know what you need to do.

from now on if you are angry with someone else look to see what you can do to make that anger or what that person is doing irrelevant.

put it all into excellence, you don't have to ignore it. set up boundries, but also time to hold yourself accountable. you aren't doing what you know you should be doing. your acting lazy, you're thinking and not doing. even now you're just spinning your wheels a bit.

it's time to work

What can I do? What do I care about?

Why am I not already there?

What at the gaps in my game?

What do I not understand?

what are the beliefs that I have that are causing me problems?

Look at the problem without needed a solution. What are the gaps in my understanding on knowing it's about the problem?

what is it that I do not understand?

I keep thinking of things that I can do to make it better maybe if I say this and act like this they will get it

I don't know. I know it won't work. I know it won't work. but I so desperately want it to work. I want them to see me, I want to have a relationship where we can talk openly. I want a relationship where I feel respected. I want love, i want something worth fighting for. I don't want to be seen as a flaw as a burden, that i wasn't enough, that I am responsible for causing them damage

I need to treat everyone better. I need to raise my standards for everything. I'm letting people treat me like crap and i'm treating others like crap

I need to clean house

I need to describe what type of relationship I have with my family, friends, partner, and work. Then I need to become those things in those relationships

Family.

I want to know without a doubt that we are in a good place, if there is a problem then we fix it, and that we have something in our relationship that is consistant

do I want to have something with all of them? maybe not. i think it sounds really nice but that would be quite a lot to do. also i'm not sure they are a positive influence on me at the moment. i think it's really hard for me to see them negatively. I love them so much and see their potential. But they don't love me. they are so angry and nothing could be good enough for them. i'm not good enough for them. dad isn't good enough for them. i was a burden. i did things when i was a child that where traumatic for them.

i don't have to carry that for them. it wasn't my fault. i'm okay. i'm going to make things better. no actually i'm not. i'm going to live my life and i'm going to see how well i can live it.

that's all i care about. i want to see the edge of possibility.

i have to let them go. they are not coming, i have invited them, but they are not coming. that's okay. i can just let this feeling go. i can't love them just as much from here.

it doesn't matter if they accept the truth or not. I can organize the future the way it should be.

i can design it. i can make it. i'm the one. mom knew and now i know too. i've always been afraid of this because i felt that it was wrong to accept that you are capable of so much more than other people. i know this is truth because no one will ever know this is me.

this space is so scared to me now. it's my temple of truth just for me and no one else. it's great because it maybe i am delusional but certainly in that case no one will give two fucks about this either.

i can do what i see, it's not easy. people don't see what i see. it won't just happen. i have to do it or something else will happen and that will be just fine too.

I can do it. i will do it and we will find out where the possibility of these ideas goes.

self destruction. i'm done with getting myself into bad situations out of anxiety or pursuit of desire. also when things do go wrong, i'm done reacting in such a way that it makes responding more difficult. when i get into a good place i need to remain focused on my desires, keeping them properly sorted and when i miss the mark, i need to handle it like a professional.

I have been childish. There is not excuse for not taking care of things, especially not how you are feeling. It's kinda lame to even believe for a sec that an emotion is going to stop you from doing anything.

That is no longer excepted. If you don't want an obligation, remove it properly. Otherwise, handle it like a professional.

in the other case, i get into really good situations, after having my back up against the wall, i relax and then i slide inch by inch back into negative patterns. I think there is two parts here. No longer will i will myself into good situations, forcing yourself into things is false and destined to fail. i believe this is the most important so i'll focus here. if it comes about by forced means then it is a weak behavior that is not truth and will retrace. it has to come by genuine means. it has to be discovered. it must be based on what you desire most and how you are. not what you or anyone else wishes that you were.

there is the possibility to operate within a deep sense of understanding of your desires, what is stopping you and who you are.

That's a place of truth.

there is also complacency, when you feel good. there is a sense that you can relax and side quest desires. particularly desires of others, then your freedom increases it's easy to do anything and so the shoulds of others can creep in because you think well I could do that. I could make that happen. I could help this person with that, I could enjoy that short term desire and when you do you forget yourself. who you are gets lost you can spend more time with people that don't care and have gotten to similar places through different means. then you migrate to there mean of operation, which is a recipe for disaster.

I really must be careful with how I engage with people. Even people I love and care deeply about me. They are not great influences. They are there things and most people want others to do there thing. Even I try to influence other people. I have tried to influence many people, which is antithetical to having a meaningfull and healthy relationship. The best relationships are ones of experience where no one is trying to get anything from the other. Even the hope to be seen in a certain way. You just hang out and spend time with each other.

Now I just want to be me and extent my abilities and see what I'm capable of. I truly want to test the limits. I always have. How much better and this really get.

What things can we do? where does the edge of my ability lie. I've been going hard, but now it's time to go well. go with a genuine desire to find the edge of my possibilities.

You can't explain something so someone who isn't ready to hear.

So why do I still get upset and try to figure out ways of convincing them before I prove it. I wish we where a team. I wish we were deepening our connection and our relationships. I want a better relationship next year with my sibling than I do this year.

I really bothers me that it seems like they don't care. They don't seem to do anything about our relationship. I go to see them they have never come to see me, they also don't treat me with any respect.

Why given their history would I expect them to change? I shouldn't and I don't. I just want them too. Same goes for amr and mic.

Okay damn. pattern. people don't change, until they do. i need to come to an understanding about this a deep one.

this has caused me tons of trouble. like it's not this only but this is a big one. people are what they are until they are not. why? I'm the same way. talking showers, cleaning my room, so many things. i just one day got it.

My sisters don't get it. talking to them about it wont help them get it. there is nothing to say. they either treat me with respect or they don't. End of story. They either are or they are not.

I want to put this behind me for good. I don't want to lie in bed or spend my days being frustrated they they are being so dumb. Not to mention I will end up being as dumb if I am frustrated about it and then that causes me to no perform and do what I need to do.

So that's why, I'm letting them affect me negatively. They just don't have it and that's okay. They are not like me. They are comfortable with the lens they have, and they don't want to change.

Thinking about them, particularly this version of them, is spending time with people you don't want to spend time with. I don't want to be with someone that doesn't want to intentionally improve our relationship. I don't want to spend time with people that don't respect me, that go out of their way for me.

Be and create what you see in them, all they do is show you what you want for yourself.

I care about possibilities, I feel like I could expend human possibility. Remove someone the misconceptions that people around the world have about themselves.

It seems like the most long term important thing that can happen.

It's a post societal conscientiousness view. The internet has given us consciousness but it's very early stages and so many misconceptions have been sent all around the world.

It's completely obvious in retrospect and I also think where we want to go is also really important and some parts seem clear to me.

Diversity is so cool - creating new diversity but also maintaining current forms, if people who have those cultures want to do that. I don't think it's important to spell that out too much more, but it does seem that some believe that all culture should unify and mix and agree. That's so lame and ultimately against diversity. Also, I think some culture objectively have created more 'value' than others and that's not wrong and it doesn't mean they are better than others.

Not all cultures will be valued equally at all points in time. There is not right or wrong here. So say another culture is too much is to say another is not enough.

There is violence in culture and I think there will be for a very long time. It's good mostly, a culture must be strong and grounded in a truth to survive.

I don't really have this figured out and it's really not so important that I do in this moment.

But lots of cultures, with new ones emerging, and some dying if there is no one left. That's generally good.

it's not that a strong culture needs to be lessed or mixed, it's that other cultures have their own possibilities and that should be supported and explored.

Most recently I have been given permission to trust my ability to think differently and act fully on those beliefs. It's been quite the relief in the short term because I finally can let go of all of the things that I'm supposed to be doing.

I have a desire to be good, to be great, to be the best and my misconception was that I had to integrate all the things that the most people believed where good. Saying that out loud is funny. Like duh most people are fucking stupid.

So much nonsense is peddled. Even I have peddled some nonsense. Anyone playing status games for the sake of an audience, well one won't get a good one, but two is operating on a pretty low level.

Mid term I think my activity will increase significantly because I'm going to move back to the things that I want to be doing and like to be doing. I don't think it will be as taxing as my job or doing all the things that I'm supposed to be doing.

I believe that is the misconception about hard work. You don't have to work hard if you are existing as what you are. You just do what you do.

Doesn't mean that there won't be struggle, or challenges. But the internal conflict isn't necessary and most importantly it's a hinderance. It's going to hard to make the correct choices but a quite mind will make it easier. It feels important to solidify that even if you are someone with the inherent capability to do something doesn't mean you will do that thing. Society, circumstance, and they way you interact with that isn't a given.

But the best chance you have is not having internal conflict, it's a process to remove the programing. All the unconscious thoughts about what you should be and should be doing.

If what I believed I was going to do what already going to happen, what about my daily life would change.

That's just the most freeing thing that I've ever felt. And it literally won't matter at all, except if i hurt myself in my mind over it.

So I just get to quietly be myself, dream as massively as I want, act in alignment with that, because if I'm that, not a fucking soul can truly help me figure it out, so it's up to me, and if I'm not that then when I'm not. But I know I'm not, I tried, I was in a great mental state the whole time, and I got to witness myself. I will see what I'm capable of. I will see my possibilities.

I want that and I give myself permission to pursue this truth.

What do I care to know in this world?

There are so many things in the world. Most I don't care about at all. I can see that I did not really consider that, I could have said that there are many things that I don't know, but that's because I know to believe that truth. Understanding that I only care about certain things in liberating and focusing. That's me discovering myself, while I'm so similar to everyone else that has received the same information as me, I've also received different information and that interacts with my DNA differently. So there is this uniqueness to my being.

I am just discovering that I have had this pull to care about whatever one cares about or what I'm supposed to care about. But I don't. I care about what I care about and many people don't care about what I care about.

It seem frightfully obvious now that I say it and surprised this is not an obvious thing to consider.

I want to understand what matters to me and I want to see what I can do about that. For me. Just for me. Not for me so I have more but because my awareness wants to see. It want's to test itself.

My mind is such a nascence my awareness. A complete ball and chain. It needs it but is just silently whispering truths. It's like 10,000 year wisdom patiently waiting for a child to learn to stop pooping it's self.

It also just doesn't care. It will be and it is. To some extent it knows. All of this is on the edge of possibility for the awareness, so failure for my physical self is more wisdom. It's not patience or apathy. I'm a mere spec in it's burning flame.

I simply do not matter. I will be what I am on the edge of possibility and that is my purpose. Just to see what I can do. I don't know if it's me and my spirit that will try again, or if the awareness is some universal consciousness. It doesn't really matter, that's just buzy intellectual thought and can provide some pleasure, if that's what I want and that's what I am.

I really want to see what I can do. Like come on. Let's go for it. What else are we going to do, it doesn't matter. Talk to the hot girl, it simply doesn't matter what happens. There are boundries that limit me, but they are good. They are part of the wisdom of myself or my consciousness. What interests be is the unexplored whitespace of possibility.

I think I'm so cool. I have come to such an appreciation for myself, after living in such a place of lack. I have lived in the world from my place of awareness. That's it's not even me observing the world, it was someone else, or my awareness.

seeing from that deep part of my mind. observing, not judging always but noticing. I would make decisions based on this information but with less thought.

this was pretty good way to be but my interactions with the world have been limited by what will happen to me. Not what I want to happen or what I bring into the world. I just waited to see what happened to me and would deal with it. I learned such humility in the face of change and obstacles from life.

I will need that forever.

Now I need to start interacting with the world and asking it for what I need and more what I see. For what is passing through me. For what I am the conduite for, ignore all the noise.

<break>

My mother and steve jobs probably shaped me the most in my life. My mother told me to be the best at everything I set out to do and steve told me that more was possible than I might have been lead to believe.

Both of these messages resonated with me deeply. Sometimes I feel fake for wanting to be great. Sometimes I feel like I'm wasting gifts or not living up to my potential if I'm not doing more and becoming more.

It has felt like I was not enough. That I had to become something else, that I had to treat others by someone else's code or I would be a bad person. Particularly women, that I had to treat them in a certain way or I would not be good. Also loosing my mom, having so many sisters, and the feminism movement all combined in a way where I felt I was supposed to treat women like men and that I had to adjust myself in such a way to accommodate all their needs.

What a recipe for disaster or could be. To some extent that's good, but it's missing a key ingredient which is as a man it's important to maintain your purpose above all else, because you can't have a good relationship if your purpose is not maintained. A normal man, or one like me, must maintain their purpose and a women must decide that's the path she wants to be a part of.

-- tangent to renenforce to myself that I am not going to add frustrating explainers to what I say anymore, I'm not accounting for other people assumptions and misunderstandings. It's amazing how that's so programed into how I think and feel. But this is just me. So I can say only exactly what I mean. I chose my words carefully and usually my meaning is contained within the words.

I believe that I need to have my purpose and the women I'm with will see that is who I am and decide. If I don't maintain my purpose and ability to provide, then she will not be interested in me anyway. Quite honestly she should not be either. So I have to maintain the boundaries of who I am with her with ruthless precision. I will lead us to a beautiful place, I will be dedicated to her wants and needs. I will give her everything she wants in life, it will bring me join to make her wishes come true. To explore life with her.

amr just isn't that. I must bend to her wishes. I must be what satisfies her needs. I must listen to her world view and I must agree with her.

She doesn't appreciate me, she is like I'm so great I deserve something amazing. I'm so good that I could get something just as good as you. You are not that important, you are not that great.

She only talks about how I'm great when I express how I feel she is not supportive. I have given her so many chances. I get so emotionally disturbed thinking about her. She is toxic. I have been avoiding ending things with her.

It's kinda not fair to her because she is not learning the lesson and I'm, not leading her on but it's just not good to no be honest. That's it I'm not being honest.

Then this lying to myself its really starting to affect me. I'm not acting in congruence with myself and what I believe. Not doing this has affected all other areas of my life.

That's really not good at all. It seems so obvious now that I write it down. I'm sorry to myself. I'm sorry I haven't believed you. You are so good at finding the truth. I'm honestly so amazed with you.

It's kinda amazing. I need to never loose touch with myself again. I'm very disappointed, but I understand now. I get it. It's so subtle the difference between not knowing and knowing. When I know I have to truth that I know. I have to listen and I have to honor myself and I have to follow through regardless of what other people are saying. I am so very influenced by others.

It's good to hear other opinions but my purpose and the thread on my thoughts must remain primary. If I'm not deeply integrating the ideas into my purpose and my thoughts then I will loose touch with myself. I need to rebuild the relationship with myself. I don't trust myself, I feel that I do understand now. However, I can't trust if I don't see the action. I have to maintain the standards I want for others with myself.

I need to start doing what I feel is right. I'm so annoyed I have wasted so many years not doing that. But I'm glad it was really only 2 years. That said, I will be incredibly happy if I'm truly ready to learn this lesson. I'm so scared about the one risk. I need to end it this is crazy anxiety I am giving myself. I'm insane for doing this to myself. I'm fucking around and if I keep fucking around I'm going to find out. I don't want to find out. I need to do the hard things and even if it means I don't get that fix.

Which like bro, you think you are going to be able to navigate any of the things you believe you can if you can't control yourself here with this.

You will get lost in the sauce, what if there was malicious intent? You would be rekt. This is a good test, this will show you who you are. You are showing yourself who you are everyday. The rest of you will act in alignment with who you show yourself to be.

These are entry level problems. Don't think with your dick, don't think with you feelings and how you should treat people.

Think for yourself act in alignment with the self you want to be in all areas of your life. What do you really want to become.

I understand the negative affects of lieing to yourself and to others. It's not pretty. The mind has to then tell all these stories to make itsself feel better and are distracting and separate itself from reality.

<break>

my mind was already trying to convince myself that it was okay to maintain these relationships. with ichi I can just be honest with her or only interact with her in a way where I'm safe. But I would be using her or accepting really bad behavior from her that would ultimately affect me negatively. Again trading short term pleasure for long term pain. With amrita, honestly I get nothing from this relationship except someone who's emotions I need to maintain. I have to work to keep her in a good mood. She is self sustainable and all else equal that is nice, but dear god if I make a decision based on that. I'm lost for good, operating from fear is the path of ruin.

Truth is I hate that I'm even in the place where I have to consider these things, it's good. This is where I am, but I clearly let my standards for myself fall so far down.

It's going to take some time to build them back up. I'm not even able to focus on what will move me forward yet. I'm covered in a mess of emotions and mistakes. I have to get this figured out and never revisit this place again.

So I spend a ton of my time thinking about how terrible it's going to be for my whole stay in the apartment. Now I'm feeing annoyed and hyper fixated on sounds. Everything feels so loud and harsh.

I probably should have go to the gym. Should. I should have, but I didn't. I'm here. I'm okay. This is what the person who is going to do the correct things decided to do. This is what is because this is what was meant to be.

I've go to game against myself first before I can game against the world.

I'm not always going to make the correct decisions and that's okay. The discomforts of the moment are trivial compared to if I let myself get distracted and distract myself from my primary aims. Speaking of which I keep avoiding those.

I'm not setting my days up for success. I let myself sleep way too much last night. Another should have. Wow, it's insane. I've let my whole life become a chase of things that I should be doing. I'm so addicted to the idea that I'm not correct and that I need to be something else, or listen to other people on what I need to be. I got convinced that I can't do things just by figuring them out.

What else should I be doing? I should be 'nice' to women. I should work hard. I should be successful.

I need to talk about women. I don't love my behavior, or I feel I shouldn't love my behavior. It is what it is. But I'm worried about what my oracle said, she has been so spot on about everything.

I don't want to get someone pregnant that I'm not fully in love with. I know I could have a good life still if it happened. But lot's of doors would close. Seem like a simple case of self control to me.

I really like spending time with her. But I don't want to marry her. It's kinda such loser energy that I have been maintaining this relationship like this. I'm using her, I keep trying to convince myself that I'm not but at this point I am. I don't like who she is, not because she is bad. She is honestly such a beautiful soul and has taught me so much and I feel I have been good too her. But I know it's not going anywhere and she is hoping that it will go somewhere. I have communicated that it's most likely not going anywhere, but I lied. I made up a reason why. When the real reason is that I don't love her. I wouldn't want to introduce her to my family or friends. I just want to spend time with her while I figure something else out, while I figure out my life, or whatever. I also keep telling other people something different than what I show her.

But then I am torn because it's so nice how she treats me and I like taking care of her. We really do have a nice thing going. But it's based on this one part of our dynamic and honestly it's because of how poorly Amr treated me in comparison. Not that it's all amr's fault, but she wasn't sweet with me and didn't try to give me anything. She really expected everything and offered nothing.

Amr was not good to me. I really feel like this was true objectively. I wasn't the best, I acknowledge that but I was so sweet to her. I was committed, I gave her a chance after she kissed someone early in our relationship.

I don't want to be with either of these women. Why in the fuck am I spending time with them, why am I dishonoring myself, my own thinking and feelings so much.

I've been so focused on treating them correctly because society told me that I was a man and I had to be extra careful and nice. Lol I get so fustrated just imagining what amr might say to be telling her I don't want to do this anymore.

Someone either is or is not acting just like what you need or not.

I'm not going to get far is I have to worry about this for the rest of my life. What a burden I have been putting myself through. I have spent so much of my mental space on figuring out how to peacefully interact with amr. I honestly give up. I don't want to do it anymore. I'm also such a loser for what I have done and said up to this point. It's kinda sad.

I'm trying to call myself a loser so that it forces a change in my mind but I know that is not the way. I am what I am.

now I'm trying to remember how I'm supposed to think about this so that I do the correct thing.

it's an understanding. do I understand what I'm doing? Do I understand who it affects me? Right now? what is going on with me?

What is going on. what is going on? what is likely to happen? who am I?

Who I am is the precursor to all of that. depending on who I am shows me what is important.

Who I am and what I want. That's all that matters. The path will become clearer the more these are clarified.

So have I actually made a decision on mi and amr? or am I just clearing these thoughts so that I forget about them and do what I was already doing?

I'm not that guy and I certainly don't want to become the guy that does that type of thing. Life is too short. Fuck it do what you think you should do. Don't worry that you are doing what other people think you should not do.

also you are smart. no its not that, it's that you care. not it's that you are serious in your sincerity about acting in alignment with the truth. I trust me the most to recognize the truth, to move into alignment with it and correct when necessary.

right now though. The truth is not even you believe yourself right now. That's the biggest issue with amr, is that you believed her when you should not have. Just never believe what people say they want to be, believe what they currently are.

Honestly, it's what ris is showing you he really is to me. He is being avoidant and not caring. Let that shit go.