Self-hatred is not an easy thing to overcome. I have been struggling with it my whole life, constantly blaming myself for what I am and what I’m not. Hating myself for feeling weak.

Thing is, I’m not weak, I’m still here, breathing, trying my best, even though in the past, I tried not to be, and I’m thanking the Universe every day I failed.

I am calmer now, so let’s see how this will turn out.

My goal with this sort of “unnatural“ complexion was to make the subject look lifeless and tired, almost like a corpse. Since I already knew I wanted the background to be a shade of green I started adding green to the face, and reds that are reflecting off the red spider lilies.

I wanted to capture the anger, but also the feeling of exhaustion because of that constant feeling of anger, and finally calmness after giving up on it, accepting it and moving on.

I am really satisfied with the final result, I decided to finish the piece digitally, played with contrast and drew the flowers as only outlines. I feel as if by drawing only outlines of the spider lilies, the painting has space to breathe and the expression is the centre.

What I feel now is calmness, it’s time to move on, and put all the anger to rest.

https://opensea.io/assets/ethereum/0x3528af864d76b5a9b54325333dc1e956f435fa2c/2

Process

I came up with a simple centre composition, with spider lilies framing the face. I wanted the focus to be on emotion.

My goal was to portray the feeling of relief after coming to terms with and accepting your pain, that beautiful feeling of freedom.

For the background, I decided to use different shades of gold with a tint of Quinacridone lilac to form something similar to a sunrise.

To me, a sunrise represents new beginnings, a fresh start, and paired with the symbolism of the spider lily it tells the story of letting go of the past and putting it to rest.

Finished piece

Conclusion

I myself have always struggled with coming to terms with my pain, not being able to let go of it, and constantly letting it consume me.

This piece is my way of facing that pain, accepting it as it is and moving on, it is a self-portrait in a way. I feel as if some weight has been lifted off my chest and it is honestly one of the best feelings.

https://opensea.io/assets/ethereum/0x3528af864d76B5A9B54325333dc1e956f435fa2c/1

You are one of God's mistakes, You crying, tragic waste of skin, I'm well aware of how it aches, And you still won't let me in. Now I'm breaking down your door, To try and save your swollen face, Though I don't like you anymore, You lying, trying waste of space.

When I hear these lyrics, I feel a surge of emotions ranging from rage to nostalgia and sadness. I've cried myself to sleep more times than I can count while listening to this song, but it also inspires me. It makes me angry in a way that makes me feel alive and determined. That’s why I always go back to it when I’m at my lowest and when I start feeling like there’s no way out of this emptiness.

I got the inspiration for this piece while watching one of my old painting time-lapse videos. I wanted to make a continuation of it.

“SCORN” was a piece I made while at one of the lowest points in my life, there’s so much hate and resentfulness that went into it. I’m not proud of those feelings, but they were my feelings at the time, and I won’t deny them.

For this new piece, I wanted to capture the raw emotions I’m feeling right now and compare them to “SCORN”, am I better now, am I again in that dark place? I feel the constant emptiness, but is the anger still there or did it morph into something else?

Am I just mad at myself for constantly feeling empty?

Painting this was so easy to do, I was relieved, I was so scared to start but once I did it went pretty smoothly. I was proud of myself.

I had a shift in mood in the middle of it though, from the satisfaction I started feeling empty again, and then an intense feeling of sadness. I felt as if I was gonna cry any second but the tears just wouldn’t come out.

Sometimes, the emotions get too powerful and I need to make myself feel nothing or go numb, it didn’t work, and I ended up getting even more emotional, and it shows in the artwork itself.

Something about this just made me break down and I was just crying the whole time while finishing this piece. When you see your emotions visually, it hits.

Red Spider Lily

In Japanese culture, the red spider lily is known as "higanbana" and is associated with the Buddhist concept of the "other world" or afterlife. The red color of the flower is also associated with the blood of the dead, and the flower is often planted in graveyards or near tombs.

This is my favorite flower, and to me, it represents the death of myself, so a rebirth can happen. It is me severing the ties of depression, breaking the never-ending circle in order to get better.

As soon as the piece was finished I felt relieved like all those overwhelming emotions moved out of me and transferred themselves into this piece of art.

Conclusion

Now, yes, anger is still there, but this time it is towards me. I am angry because of all the sadness and emptiness that I am feeling. I am angry that I can’t control these emotions. Angry that I still am not capable of overcoming these struggles.

On the other hand, my spider lilies represent death, maybe one day I will be able to bury this hatred towards myself, and accept my own emotions. I think that once that happens, I will truly be free.