For me, one thing that I think when someone says “bad leader” is not giving enough safety to their members, therefore their members can’t feel happy with their works. But, why? Why do leaders need to bring safety to other members of the organization? It’s because we are social animals who produced feelings and chemical reactions by socializing with other humans.

In the past couple of weeks, I met a friend who’s really smart and hard-working, but she always talked about her bad boss. She said about how it affected the team's work. It made people around her talk about how bad the boss communicates, leads, and never gives empathy to them. Even though she likes working with her colleagues, she chooses to quit her current job because of her boss. Just thinking about how a bad leader could make that kind of impact on someone's career, make me always rethinking about leadership itself, and how hard it is to develop this skill.

The one million dollar question is, “How many people should be affected by bad leaders again and again?” The answer must be none. It started with us, we need to stop this, at least in our small team.

Happiness, pride, joy, fulfillment, all of these feelings that we have produced feeling and they are produced by four chemicals predominantly these are basically responsible for all of the feelings that would generically call happiness. Get to know the four happy chemicals in your brain and body:

• Endorphin: The pain-masking chemical.

• Dopamine: The goal-achieving chemical.

• Serotonin: The leadership chemical.

• Oxytocin: The chemical of love.

Endorphins + Dopamine are the chemicals of progress, as they make us feel good when we achieve goals and accomplish various things. So what’s the problem? Most leaders operate with fear-based tactics like the old “command + control” model of management, which has not only been proven not to work, but has also been shown to spike our egos and get dopamine surging through our bodies. This often makes us feel good at the expense of others. It’s so bad that it usually bites us in the butt. What’s worse, Endorphins + Dopamine are highly addictive.

Endorphins

Ever hear of a “runner’s high”? That’s just endorphin surging through your body. It’s there to mask the pain we’re putting our bodies through when we beat up our muscles in the gym, or run for long periods of time. Endorphin was useful back in the paleolithic era when hunters would go all day long in the grueling heat or freezing cold, hunting for food. Endorphin would kick in at just the right time to mask the pain and make us feel good enough to get our bodies to keep moving, and eventually, to capture the prey. It’s likely that hunter-gathers became addicted to hunting, much like some of us become addicted to weight-lifting. That's why when runners out there push their bodies harder than they have ever pushed before they feel good and when they are done with their run, they feel fantastic.

Dopamine

Dopamine is a dangerous chemical, but only when abused. Cocaine, nicotine, and alcohol all send dopamine surging through your system. The reason we get addicted to this stuff is that it provides near-instant gratification and pleasure. Do you know what else sends dopamine surging through your system?

A sense of completion, that extra burst of feel-good vibes that arise when we’re approaching the finish line. Achieving goals, completing tasks, and getting things done.

The gratification of crossing off that jar of almond butter on your grocery list. That awesome feeling you get when you click that little box and see the check-sign show up on your favorite productivity app.

Dopamine isn't always rational. Dopamine was put into place by mother nature to incentivize us to move forward with what we have committed ourselves to do by giving us little bursts or “hits” of the dopamine chemical whenever we take a small step towards achieving the desired outcome of some sort. The problem though is that even the “good” things about dopamine can get addictive. For example, consider your to-do list.

Do you add obviously easy tasks to the list just to make it seem like you're getting stuff done? I know I do.

I remember going to pasar recently with a list of items to get, and as I was strolling down the hall picking up my goodies, I saw bawang merah on the seller’s table and remembered that I'd actually forgotten to add it to my grocery list, no problem. I grabbed it and put it in my basket, and then I wrote 'bawang merah' down on my grocery list and crossed it out.

Why do we do that? Because we have become addicted to the short burst of dopamine that results from checking tasks off of my to-do list, regardless of whether it actually makes any logical sense for me to do so that’s dopamine.

The statistic shows that ADD and ADHD (hyperactive, disorganization, lack of focus, and forgetfulness) have risen 66% in the past 10 years. It's the symptoms of dopamine addiction to technology distractibility; inability to get things done, easily distracted, shortness of attention. Addiction dopamine is dangerous if it’s unbalanced. It's hugely helpful when in a comfortable and balanced system.

You don't need anybody to get these endorphins and dopamine, a run and achieve your goals, you will get them. But you won't have any feeling of fulfillment or love or trust that's where these come in serotonin and oxytocin.

Serotonin + Oxytocin are the chemicals of contribution, trust + belonging. When we include these two chemicals in our 4-way cocktail, the result is a healthy (and necessary) synergy that results in more cooperation and more collaboration, but those are just poo-poo office words to some people. “What about the tangibles”, they say. Well, if you are looking for measurable results and “tangibles” that show up in the “numbers”, you have got to step away from the spreadsheets and the computer screen; you have got to get out of the board room, you have got to do more than blast off a memo here and a memo there, you have got to show them that you care and show them that you are there. You have got to be there not as a cheerleader for the good times, but as a leader that gives a damn, regardless of the peaks and valleys of the economy.

Serotonin

Serotonin is the leadership chemical. This chemical is responsible for feelings of pride and status (recognition). This is why we have Oscars, Grammy, and graduation. When you have serotonin in your veins, your confidence goes up also. If you give an award to somebody, what do they say I could not have done it, I thank God I thank my parents I thank my coach, we thank the person that we believe was looking out for us we could not have done this without them we say.

Great teams don't want to win the trophy, great teams want to win for the coach.

The problem is you can trick serotonin, we live in a materialist society. So we judge status very often in our country based on how much money we make. This is why they put the logos on the outside, to boost your confidence and raise your status. That's why we keep trying to accomplish things and accumulate more and more material goods and yet we never feel successful because there was no relationship, we tricked it.

So we are constantly judging and assessing each other who's alpha right? And what we do is when we assess that someone else is the alpha, we voluntarily take a step back and allow them to eat first. The alpha gets the first choice of meat and the first choice of mate (good system). The alpha gets to eat first, the rest of us may not get the best cut of meat but we will get to eat eventually and we won't get an elbow in the face. This is why we are constantly trying to raise our status is because there are benefits to being the alpha people who will do things for us and step back offer us favors right.

As the alpha you get special treatment, it boosts the serotonin. But it comes at a cost, you see the group is not stupid. We are not giving all of that stuff away for free, leadership alpha comes at a cost. You see we expect that when danger threatens us from the outside, the person who's actually stronger, the person who's better fed, and the person who is actually teaming with serotonin and actually has higher confidence than the rest of us, we expect them to run towards the danger to protect us. This is what it means to be a leader. The cost of leadership is self-interest, if you are not willing to give up your perks when it matters then you probably shouldn't get promoted, you might be an authority but you will not be a leader. As a leader, you don't get to do less work when you get more senior, you have to do more work and the more work you have to do is put yourself at risk to look after others. This is the anthropological definition of what a leader is.

Oxytocin

Oxytocin is the best chemical of all. Oxytocin is the feeling of love and trust and friendship. It's all the warm and fuzzies, it's all the unicorns and rainbows. It's the reason we like to spend time with our friends even if we don't do anything with them, we just sit and watch tv. We love their company. Oxytocin is that intense feeling of safety that someone's got your back, there are multiple ways you can get oxytocin. One way to get physical contact and another way to get oxytocin are through acts of human generosity (which is defined as giving your time and energy and expecting nothing).

We put a premium on time because it is an equal commodity (money) and it is a non-redeemable commodity.

For example, if I come to your house for dinner and you make me a lovely dinner. The next day I send you a very nice thank you email what a wonderful host you are or three days later you receive a handwritten note from me with the exact same words that were written in the email. Which one makes you feel better? Handwritten note. The sentiment was the same, the words were the same, the difference is one took a little more time and a little more energy.

Leaders are the ones who give us their time and give us their energy, not the ones who give us their money. It doesn't count, doesn't work just biologically.

When we see or do acts of human generosity, we will do them. In fact the more oxytocin you have in your body, the more generous you actually become. The more you do the more you want to do it. Lots of oxytocin in your body inhibits addiction, it makes it very difficult to get addicted to something when you have lots of oxytocin. It boosts your immune system, makes you healthier, and that's why happy people live longer.

This is why leadership is really difficult because you can't give it to everyone because you don't have enough to give to everyone.

BUT, there's one more chemical I haven't told you about, The Big C.

Cortisol

Cortisol is the feeling of stress and the feeling of anxiety. We share these chemicals with all the social mammals. Cortisol is designed to keep us alive, it is the first stage of fight or flight. It makes us paranoid, it makes all of our senses hyper attuned to looking for danger. The cool thing about cortisol, when you work in a social environment if other people sense that you are nervous they get nervous too.

When we go to work in a place that doesn't make us feel like we belong that doesn't make us feel safe when we are at work. We got little bits of cortisol dripping in our bodies. One of the things cortisol does inhibits the release of oxytocin. Biologically, if you work in a high-stress environment where you don't feel safe you were biologically less emphatic and less generous. We don't care about each other because we are too busy trying to protect ourselves.

In a country with some of the best systems, why there are so many diseases on the rise? It's because our jobs are killing us and the people who are responsible are the leaders. We also know that parents who come home stressed out, their kids learn that this is what work is. Work is something that makes you short-tempered and unhappy. So, they expect it as they grow older. Worse we know that parents who come home upset and angry, it has such a negative impact on their children that there are some studies that show that they might actually become bullies because of their unhappy parents.

Leadership has nothing to do with your position in the organization. If you decide to look after the person to the left of you and look after the person to the right of you, you have become a leader.

Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) has 12th steps. AA knows that if you master all eleven steps but not the last step, you will drink again. If you master the 12th step, you will beat the disease. What's the last step? The last step is the commitment to help another alcoholic, service to another (oxytocin and serotonin win). The more we look after each other, the safer we feel, the more we feel like we belong, and the more we will work together to confront the dangers outside.

Another thing we need to know about these chemicals is about Circle of Safety. Traditionally, our family provides a Circle of Safety where we feel safe and supported. Inside the circle, we have a healthy balance of E.D.S.O. and low Cortisol levels. In organizations, Circles of Safety provide people with a sense of belonging and security. People feel valued and cared for, and trust that others will act in their interests. This facilitates communication, cooperation, problem-solving, and innovation, allowing people to direct their attention to external threats and opportunities. By contrast, when people feel threatened by internal politics and infighting, they turn their attention inward to focus on self-preservation, making the group more vulnerable as a whole.

Hiring someone should be like adding a new member to your family. You must set stringent standards for the type of people you will accept. Once they are a part of the family, you don’t simply kick them out when the going gets tough. You must give loyalty to earn loyalty.  The four chemicals are Nature’s way to help us survive, by balancing our personal drive and social needs. Fundamentally, leaders must earn others’ respect and loyalty by making the most sacrifices and being willing to eat last. They must give trust to earn trust.

With knowing these chemicals, we can start our journey to become more aware of how to lead people, become more empathetic, and realize that every people needed different kinds of communication styles. Not just knowing what we should do as a leader, but it’s important to know what kind of things we shouldn't do to make our team members feel safe about their work. It’s started with us, it’s started with our small team, and good luck for us to make more happiness in the Indonesian workspace.

Connect with me on another platform, and kindly contact me to discuss anything:

https://linktr.ee/ihsannkamil

Becoming a senior in high school was a great year for some of us. It was the time when everything seems perfect, we can hang out with our friends until midnight, we can go home to meet our family, and we can have dinner every single day with them. It sounds so beautiful, right? At least for me, it was my comfort zone.

Until in the mid of 2018, when all my friends separated because we must attend college in different cities and we left our family back home. It left us with no choice, just moved on, and safe to say, for me it was hard to move on and adapt to the new environment. Adapting to the new environment has always been a challenge for me, especially in an environment that has different communication styles, cultures, and even jokes.

But, how did I finally become a person that could adapt to this environment, join many organizations, and had a chance to lead people in this community? I did It, and it only took one friend and one book.

I met this one friend in a college class, I forgot what class, but I think it was accounting. My first impression of him was a super charismatic boy and he has great communication skills. It was really fun being around him. Therefore, I was trying to become his friend to learn from him how to be more adaptable in this new environment because based on what I saw, he was very comfortable with being around new people, not like me. I’m rarely speaking and quite awkward back then.

After a couple of months, we were often hanging out together with other friends. We became good friends and we talked a lot about business, philosophy, and the most important topic that we often discuss was how we can be more adaptable in this environment since we came from different cities. Finally, I managed to gather my courage to ask him, “How can you be so comfortable around new people and environment? It seems like you become a magnet for other people around you.” He answered, “To be honest with you, I don’t feel like what you mentioned. But, I’m trying to become that person because I don’t have anyone in this city, and let me tell you a secret, actually, I learn all of these communication and psychology skills from just one book from 1936.” I was wondering after he answered my question, how come a book from 1936 is still relevant until today? Yet, after I read it, he told me the truth, it is still relevant and I believe that this book will become a must-read book when my children become teenagers.

The book that I will give to my 17-year-old child is How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie, and here are 10 principles that I took from Carnegie that help me and my friend become more adaptive and more likable:

Smile

Our actions, not our words have the most impact on our impression of others. Thus, when we meet someone the best way to tell them that we’re happy to meet them is to smile. We tend to automatically like someone who smiles at us just as we feel happy when a dog wags his tail like crazy because he’s so happy to see us. Also, it has been shown that smiling gives us positive emotions, just as positive emotions make us (involuntarily) smile.

Don’t criticize

We are primarily driven by emotion not reason. So pointing out mistakes or worse, criticizing, is not helpful at all to help people learn and change their behavior. A person we criticize will feel attacked and defend their own position (fight back) instead of adjusting their behavior. Criticizing therefore will only help you to blow off steam, but it will contribute little to a change in others and it will make them like you less.

Many successful people made a commitment to never openly criticize others. Benjamin Franklin, for instance, claimed that his secret of success was to “speak ill of no man”. Abraham Lincoln used to criticize opponents publicly until the day his criticism almost forced him into a saber duel.

Criticizing is easy, understanding and accepting others is hard but more rewarding.

Appreciation

The deepest principle in human nature is the craving to be appreciated.”

One of the strongest drives of human behavior is to be appreciated by others. How can we apply this important principle? In order to get other people to do something for us, appreciation will always be a much better incentive than the threat of punishment. If you want favors from other people, they must know you as someone who shows appreciation, not someone who criticizes easily. Use phrases such as “thank you” or “I'm sorry” often. But your appreciation must be honest.

In order to get sincere appreciation, you need to adopt the mindset of Ralph Waldo Emerson, who said that every person he met was superior to him in certain ways, so he could always learn something from them and appreciate them. In time you will find it easy to value and appreciate other people and they in turn will like you and enjoy working with you.

Show sincere interest, and be a good listener

Don’t talk but listen. Everybody wants to talk and make others hear, but not many are good listeners. If you want to be likable, be a good listener. Encourage other people to speak about themselves. Show natural interest for them. To really listen to means to give the other person your full attention. Don’t interrupt them or make yourself be distracted.

Talk about things that people are interested in

Everyone likes good listeners, but people enjoy even more someone who is knowledgeable about things they are interested in. People love to talk about things that are important to them, so naturally, they like other people who share their interests. Theodore Roosevelt thoroughly prepared himself before he met someone, reading everything he could about the other person’s interests. He understood that his ability to talk about things the other person values most would win him their grace.

If you don’t know the other person's interests, you can ask them about the one thing everyone likes to talk about, themselves.

Talk to people about themselves, and they will listen for hours

Whenever you talk to someone, tell them about something you admire in them. You can always find something to admire in others. Keep in mind the golden rule, treat others as you would like others to treat you.

Remember names and details

We can show other people our appreciation by remembering details about them. Theodore Roosevelt was popular among all his staff because he made a habit out of greeting everyone by their names. He also listened to them and tried to remember what they said. Whenever you meet someone new, try to remember their name and the details they say. Use it as you talk to them, they will like you instantly.

Avoid arguments

Perhaps you noticed that nine times out of ten, arguments don’t result in anything positive. Both parties will only resent each other and stand more firmly in their position than before. There is no point in arguing. Whenever you encounter opposition to your ideas, there is no need to find an agreement. You don’t have to impose your ideas on them. It is of enough value that others challenge your views. Be thankful for their input and think about their reasoning without starting to argue.

If two people agree on everything then one of them is dispensable but if they argue all the time, there can be no productive discussion. If you need to engage in a discussion, keep your emotions out of them.

Don’t tell others that they are wrong

People get hurt on their self-esteem when you tell them they’re wrong. Because you’re basically telling them that you are smarter than them. So the best way to express your opposition you should not do it in absolute terms.

Avoid phrases like: “It is clear that…”, “Obviously, the case is…”. Even if you think you are smarter, you should not display this mentality to other people.

Be humble and open-minded, you could say something like “I might be wrong but it seems to me like…”, “I’m not an expert in this but…”.

Framing your opposition like this will turn opponents into allies, making it possible for you to change their opinions.

When you’re wrong, admit it immediately

We may think that we have to keep our mistakes for ourselves in order to preserve our self-esteem. But making mistakes is something we all do, admitting them is what takes courage. You can take neutralize your opponents thunder when you admit your mistake quickly and clearly. While the other person felt important before for criticizing you, they now have to be generous and forgive you to be able to still add to their self-esteem.

It requires character to publicly admit your mistakes, weaknesses and shortcomings. So other people will naturally think more highly of you.

Persuade indirectly

If you act in an insistent manner or even aggressively, the other person will probably stop listening, defend their position and not cooperate. First, win over the other person by making sure that you have the same goals. Don't reveal your own views before the other person believes you have the same interests. The next step is to persuade the other person by making them agree with you as often as possible.

You can achieve this by asking lots of small questions that can only be answered with a yes. This approach is known as the Socratic method and the reasoning behind it is simple: The more “yeses” you get during your discussion the higher the probability that you will get a yes when you reveal your real position on the subject.

By implementing these 10 principles, I could become more adaptable in any environment. It brought me many opportunities, join many organizations, become a leader in a project, and a lot of people asked me to help their side-projects. I hope someday this book would help my children to gain opportunities from their environments and help them to be more adaptable in every environment, not just them, but you too, people who read this.

Thank you so much for reading my first ever bi-weekly stories and learnings. Would love to hear your feedback, and if you have something to discuss, about anything, kindly reach out to me and we’ll discuss it!