My journey began in early February when my travels with The Mycelium started in Mexico. We spent a week exploring Mexico City, Tepotzlan, and then two weeks in Acapulco. This was only three months after the devastating Hurricane Otis hit Bonfill and Acapulco. Just being in this place was incredibly intense. Feeling the ocean, seeing the destruction, meeting the people who were there at the time of the hurricane, and seeing them cope with the destruction was life-changing on its own.

On the other hand, at the time, there was Anarchapulco going on. The Mycelium is deeply involved in the Anarchapulco community. However, I went there with quite a lot of skepticism, as I myself do not believe in capitalism and any sort of hierarchies really. I believe in cooperation and collaboration rather than competition and greed as the main driving forces of humanity. To begin with, I believe that money is a failed attempt by humans to measure value, and we should move past capitalism and money as soon as possible. I have seen mutual credit systems and gifting economies not only working but also being incredibly effective. So I'm beyond the point of having a flexible opinion on the topic.

I met many people around Anarchapulco who, in my view, are anarchists for incredibly individualistic reasons. And while I don't agree with the concept of taxes as we have them today, I do believe that you're not a true anarchist if you're basing your reasoning on not paying taxes. In that case, you're really just greedy.

I also met some beautiful souls, fighting for freedom for all who live lives that I can't even start to imagine

With The Mycelium, we ran workshops and gatherings in the hub, surrounding ourselves with anarchists who've been living this life in one way or another for ages.

This experience reinforced for me the belief that you can "get out of the system" for good and live a full, deep and meaningful life.

After that, we had a bit more travel in Mexico, really just bonding as a group, and went to Envision in Costa Rica. I honestly had no expectations of this event; I was there because my friends were there and either way, I was going to Costa Rica.

At Envision, there was way more focus on wellness and health in the first few days, and then it turned into a party. I appreciate both, but I definitely wouldn't pay this money to go to a spring break party.

There were a few truly magical experiences there, but there was also a clash with reality.

My friends tell me that I tend to over-criticize, which I'm not proud of, but at least I do it with integrity. So...

At Envision, everything was designed so that you needed to pay money. I attempted to buy a yoga mat; however, it was worth $150, so I disengaged. Food was incredibly expensive, and what you could notice easily was that the people selling all those things were definitely not Costa Rican. American people selling overpriced food and goodies to other American people at the Costa Rican beautiful beach.

Right outside the festival, there were locals selling their handmade jewelry, pipes, and beers. On the third day of the festival, the police came and confiscated all the goods of the local people. I further found out that to set up a booth in the festival costs way more than what locals can afford, so they can't really be a part of the festival in a "legal" way.

So this is my first week of two months in Costa Rica, and I already feel like the extractive white European in Central America, bringing no value and extracting from the land and the locals.

At the same day, we took mushrooms with my Mycelium family, and I experienced the deepest and most intense ceremony I've had so far. The mushrooms took me back to my childhood, and I could literally relive every moment I've lived through in my life. And I have quite a lot of blocked memories in my childhood due to trauma. A part of the things I don't remember are related to my very first friend, who turned out to be my best friend for 10 years; she committed suicide when I was 17 years old. During my mushroom experience, I could remember her nails, fingers, voice, eyes, experiences, and feelings we've had. This was truly magical, but it also opened the door to grief once again, which I didn't realize at the time.

My next stop was Protopian Convergence, where I went with SoilDAO, who are people that I deeply love, respect, and admire. This is pretty much when my existential crisis started - SoilDAO were presenting at a panel, where Hristiyan gave a definition of ownership, which struck me.

Ownership: The right to destroy

I felt this sentence's weight on my chest, crawling left to my heart, then turning into a heavy liquid and flowing down my whole body, starting a process of death, birth, and change. I started thinking of everything I own, then of everything people around me own, then of everything we humans are allowed to own… and destroy.

In the beginning I couldn’t pinpoint what the feeling really was. I felt that heaviness for a few days, and it was slowly translating into grief. I was grieving not for a person or for a concrete being; I was grieving for all creatures, living beings, soil, forests, every life on this earth that was destroyed by us - through monoculture, farming, destroying forests for cow grass, deforestation, extracting oils from the ground, through all the pipelines crossing our rivers, and all that - for profit.

I spent the next 2 weeks with this heaviness. I was also lucky enough to go to Bliss Burn and then Diamante Luz, which was filling me with hope, seeing all those people doing the work, stewarding land, living together as a community, taking care of each other and carying for the environment around them. Those people really filled my heart with so much love. After I left the community, I spent a week alone in San Jose, waiting for my friends to arrive from Bulgaria and doing work, as it was the end of my RnDAO fellowship program I was doing through these months. All the heavy feelings came back to me immediately. Living in the city after more than a month in the jungles was difficult. I saw all the ways that we people are being indoctrinated to feel content with the small and sad live we live in our little boxes that we call home.

Our first day at the beach of Puerto Viejo, we were chatting in Bulgarian, and randomly a hippy-looking dude came and took my hand and started running in a circle as a game/dance. He was Bulgarian, raised in London, who left years ago in search of his calling.

We were chatting for 30 minutes; we found out that we even know some people in common - I met a girl in Sweden in the Emergence event that we organized with Mycelium Hub. She at the time told me that she’s involved with people who are looking to start an intentional community in Bulgaria. She wanted me to meet in Bulgaria with her and the others and see if I can help them.

This guy was looking for a ride from Sweden to Bulgaria, so guess who picked him up. He even knew about me, because the guys were having their meeting with me the day after they arrived and they were staying together in Sofia. I couldn't believe it, but it's again the stars aligning for a reason. It was the eclipse, and he was going to a Cacao ceremony with conscious breathing. He invited us and we joined the ceremony at an absolutely magical shala near Puerto Viejo.

The energy of the eclipse together with Mama Cacao was the regenerative energy that I needed to transform all this grief to something and find meaning in all these feelings.

During the ceremony, I had a vision that I was flying like a bird across huge landscapes with huge green trees, such beautiful nature. I had the feeling that my surrounding was so alive; it was life itself. There was a huge waterfall; I was soaring, feeling the power of the water, and flew up seeing everything from afar, and everything was wild, living, and beautiful.

I flew down and sat on the grass and transformed into something like a cocoon. I was just staying there for a while, and then I felt underneath my shoulders that I no longer felt the strong wooden floor of the shale where I was laying down; I was getting absorbed into the soil in my vision. I was not scared, although I was getting further down the soil and practically was buried under the heavy earth. In that moment, I had an intense feeling of love, hope, and warmth. My belly opened, and a plant started growing up. In that moment, back to reality, I heard my friend next to me crying. I had so much love in my heart, soul, and I could even feel it at the tip of my fingers, so I took her hand, closed my eyes, seeing the plant that grew from my cocoon and gave her all this love.

I can’t really express how powerful this was for me.

What I realized is that my whole trip to Central America had one purpose - to find grief. All the people I met, all the places I visited and saw - the anarchocapitalists in Mexico, the locals in Acapulco and all the destruction there, the Costa Ricans being chased away from their own beach not to sell their goods, my mushroom trip taking me back to my childhood, Hristiyan's definition of ownership and this cacao ceremony - all this and many other things led me to fertilize my own soil with grief so that a strong plant can grow from there.

And what I'm planning to do next - use this soil, put in some hard work, support everyone I see trying to regenerate the planet, use all my knowledge for good, teach and influence others to start thinking long term, how their actions today are going to affect them and the world in 20 years, and put all my heart and soul into healing - healing of myself and healing of our shared mother - Nature.

A moment of gratefulness - I’m immensely grateful for the last year of my life. After completely losing myself, I took the time to completely surrender and welcome adventures and people in my life, and I am extremely lucky to have met some of the most beautiful souls. None of this would be possible without my Mycelium family and SoilDAO souls. I’m feeling blessed to have met Hristiyan in Istanbul and Marcela online, who dragged me into their worlds, passions and adventures. Incredibly grateful for Adam, who was my travel buddy for a while, and who’s beautiful and peaceful soul was feeding me and giving me a feeling of security and safety to be more bold in all my experiences really.

I’m grateful for all my friends who support me in this recreational period of my life and grateful to the universe that I can afford and allow myself to have this time of searching and finding.

Lastly, I’m grateful for the courage I have, to dive into a complete unknown world and recreate myself over and over again, and now more than ever, I’m positive that I’m walking on the right path.

Sending love to everyone who spent their time reading through my soul.