Energy shifts like the rocking of a boat Today the sea is calm Drifting peacefully through the waves Too tranquil and I’m uninterested Too rough and I tip over Forever seeking the perfect balance Always a work in progress

You’re frightened Recovering from the last fallout There’s always a chance I go back You’re hesitant Studying my energy levels They’re still pretty high You’re relieved Welcoming doctors and social workers A whole team caring about me now You’re interested Asking questions and checking in Sitting down with my therapist You’re tired Dealing with your own issues Little time for yourself You’re in love I shine my light on you every day I promise to never give up I love you

I'm elated to be awake It's 3am and bouncing song to song No breaks since I laid down Each clip feels in rhythm with my soul Wish I could inject the sound Straight into my arm; It’d be faster that way Only a few more hours ‘til the baby wakes Don’t need any sleep anyways; I’m okay

Sometimes life is too much Even when I’m on my meds & My partner is on his last thread “This too shall pass” feels fabricated When the pain’s as sharp as a knife I kneel on the ground and remember I’m a mother and a wife My life’s bigger than me F*ck a role model; My actions have consequences on the people I love I want to be strong enough to handle it all Superwoman Is that me or is that the mania talking? If I can just get back on my feet I think I can achieve it all

December 1, 2018

Each time I relapse, the emotional fallout is ten times worse. Substances are in control of my brain and influence my every thought. I have the strongest willpower in the world and yet I can't get a grip on this. I need freedom from this mental prison, but the only way I know how to get out is to get drunk. F*ck it.

My whole body is shaking. Where am I? I have a black eye, bloody lip & bruised limbs. Where's Adam? I was supposed to meet him after work. I ask him what happened and he asks me the same. "No no no no, not again. Please not again," I plead, collapsing to the floor.

I've been in ambulances, hospitals & even arrested at a young age because of alcohol. At the same time, I'm extremely hard working and driven. The divide between my reality and how people see me is ripping me apart. I can't do this anymore.

Adam helps me piece together my night and I realize I’m missing my backpack with my laptop in it. "No no no no no no," I continue to rock and shake. I have zero recollection of being dragged on a train by a coworker at Grand Central and my strict rule of never letting my drinking impact my work is unraveling. I can barely breathe.

Rage enters my body. I'm furious with myself that I can't stick to basic rules. I'm furious that I can't get drinks after work. I'm furious that I keep trying. I'm furious that I let Adam down for the hundredth time. I jump up off the ground, run into the bedroom and slam my head into a window as hard as I can to release the energy.

Adam switches into crisis management mode and starts calling for help. He gets me to lay down which triggers even more tears and disappointment as I wrestle with how I'm making him feel. "I'm so so so sorry," I bawl. "I just can't do it anymore."

He calls my family so I can no longer hide this pain. My parents are in Boston visiting family and want to drive down to see me, but I tell them not to. It’s my mom’s birthday tomorrow and I apologize for the stress I’m causing her. “I’m not okay,” I tell them, wiping more tears from my eyes. “I’m not okay.”

Adam gives me the phone number of a therapist I had been meaning to reach out to. I explain my current situation to her and we lock in our first appointment. She asks me what I want to get out of our time working together. I say to feel “normal” and stable. “I will only work with you if you stop drinking,” she replies very bluntly. I agree on the spot as I want nothing more than to escape this hell.

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I continued seeing my therapist for years and am convinced my support system saved my life. I’m also now four years sober and reaching back out to her today for more assistance. Please ask for help.