Blank page

nanda@newsletter.paragraph.com (nanda) — Sat, 18 Dec 2021 13:34:18 GMT

I think most of us are nervous about a blank page. How am I supposed to start something when I look ahead at my blank wall and see a bug sticking? Maybe it is a bug, why isn't it moving? A message appears on my cell phone screen and as soon as the light comes on, the table vibrates; it is stronger than me turning my head and peeking. How I wish I could control this impulse, which has been going on for many years and will probably never end. How I wish I could control so many things that I have been uselessly trying even though I know my inability about it. It may sound silly, and perhaps it is, to start a text without knowing what to talk about. I just turn my attention to the top of the wall and it bothers me to think that maybe the bug is dead. A small black dot on the white wall. I remember that I have not finished painting the ceiling of the room and inevitably this will never happen because I am too busy for that, the white spots do not annoy me that much because I rarely raise my eyes to see if there is a new spider web. I'm just wondering if I should get up and get a cloth to put on the door, since the rain has wet the floor and I'm tired of people coming into the house with dirty feet. But I am too settled in my chair, looking forward to lunchtime, maybe I can clean the floor tomorrow and get the bug off the wall tomorrow. I'm not denying the possibility of not doing any of it either; I just need to let it go.