Being amazed that things like this happen is something I can't help, just as I can't help being sure about some things I haven't experienced yet but I know the answer, I know what will happen, I know how things are going to unfold. A few words can change the way you see the world. You and your words, the good news that they contained, the sweet way in which you told me those words gave me a lifeline, a rescue from those gloomy thoughts that here I am no longer important... you, without realizing it made me feel love, a  different kind of love, the love that you don't know from where it come from but you do know it will never end.

Niko.

Like everything in this world, memories are attenuated while time passes, probably all the happiness I remember is only what I decided to keep in my memory, why should we remember unnecessary things?, the complicity that two people lived, the intimacy, the closeness and love should be material worthy of being encapsulated for posterity, to remember the beauty in life, anyway we will always know why it  ended... bad decisions or betrayal. Returning to the city hoping to find you is a ridiculous dream because millions of people live here, but at the end of the day I see you in that woman who carefully chooses the fruits in the market, in that woman sitting in the restaurant who look at me on the sly, I see you on the subway, in the park, because everything here has your name and your smile. I know that you probably never came back from that trip that took you to the other side of the world before I decided to leave the city, but deep in my heart every single day of these last five years I have wanted to meet you and hug you and lose myself in the green of your eyes like someone who dares to jump into the void for love.

Niko.

The people with whom I interacted years ago lost their humanity, everything should be reflected in the fashionable bag or the gold-encrusted watch, being in this position gives you power, if you know what to say and how to speak, you will interact with people who pull the strings in this show. Everything that happens in high places is because you are someone's friend, because you are someone else's child or because your family makes juicy contributions to some charitable cause that helps someone's company to evade taxes.

At first I was reluctant to use the power to bypass the rules, I always thought that what they taught me about meritocracy was real, that the more you try, the better results you will have, then when reality put its disgusting hands on my neck and began to hang myself, I had to learn as quickly as possible that nobody does anything without having the right person's phone number, relating to the right contacts makes the difference between living in misery and being able to make your dreams come true. Over time I have became someone who accepts the system, not for pleasure, but because I understood that the only way to change things is to be inside the system, to understand, to learn to play the game and to be the best at it. It is the only way to be able to get the money that is needed for charities, the contacts that are required to bring food to those who need it, the only way to contribute so that children do not die from infections that have been extinct in Europe for decades . All the good things you want to do should be discussed over a glass of the best French sparkling wine at a gala dinner.

I can be in the best hotel, at dinner with tickets wanted by thousands thanks to the fact that my personality and good conversation open doors for me, but also because information is a platinum key that opens doors universally, and I am very good at researching . I have learned to understand how these people's heads work and that all the power they have can be reduced to a fleeting dream if people like me open their mouths. Yes, I feel miserable being with these people, but it is part of my job and it allows me to develop projects that do interest me. On the other hand, I have been the one who has leaked things to the press that have buried careers, because I can tolerate many shady things, but when it becomes a crime against minors or I have to deal with misogynistic assholes and abusers, I give an accurate saber and everything ends there.

The city remains vibrant and I interact with people who challenge my patience, but I know that one day soon the system in which we are immersed, which has no compassion for nature, nor for the very humans who inhabit it, is going to fall irremediably, I have faith on it, I work for it, while that happens the bubbles of my sparkling wine going down my throat congratulate me for being in the right place at the right time. Enjoying the sunset from the bubble of power and moral misery that hides behind these windows.

Niko.

Since I was a little kid, and stronger during adolescence, I always knew that although I enjoyed that place and living in the countryside, I did not belong there, perhaps until today I feel that I belong to this other distant space called 'home' that is not really on earth but a space within us, maybe a little difficult to explain. I always knew that one day I should go out to look for my adventures beyond those mountains, beyond that sunset, to discover new valleys, new rivers, new sensations and colors. Inside my chest I have an unstoppable fire to know, to help and to seek something that belongs to me but that has never been revealed to me. I continue in a tireless search to find something that I know I am missing and it is difficult to explain because I have a quiet life and I feel very comfortable and happy.

I think that what I lack and what after 70 countries, hundreds of people and thousands of sensations is that I never found a person who understands when I speak, obviously I am not referring to the diversity of languages, that is not a very big deal, I'm talking about feeling someone giving you peace. Today you are important because without ever seeing you, I have a feeling in my heart and an inexplicable attraction to you. A certainty about thinking that everything that I have lived before and has brought me here makes me lucky, because I have achieved a status of being able to be in your same vibration and that within all the people of the world you can be that person who makes me feel at home.

After many years I have once again felt the tulips' smell like in my garden there where I waited the sunsets, I saw again the colors of that sunset, the thoughts of wanting to be free and feeling the fresh breeze touching my face, like when I was younger wondering what was beyond the mountains, even though you have only come into my life for this moment, just for this minimum moment of having us in the distance, even if you are an idea that vanishes and leaves as soon as winter, I feel very lucky to have coincided with you. Thank you very much for being here.

Niko.

I am a mirage, I exist but I am absent, if I walk down the boulevard no one notices my presence, I become significant when I speak, when the words come out of my chest because I say interesting things, because I have an adequate record of knowledge, because I can carry on a conversation , but people don't have time to listen, time is elusive, life roars in people's faces to hurry up, I can't succeed if there are no people to listen to what I say and I can't keep failing because I have no more life. Committing suicide on your birthday is like closing the cycle of life. I will be remembered for nothing, I will be an apology for the waste of time, the lack of art, the suffering of others. I guess I've done a lot of damage and that's why I deserve the pain of not having a confidant, a person with whom I can talk about the human and the divine, about the salad I had for lunch that had a taste of sadness and the deep philosophical thoughts that flood my mind.

The first time I was asked at school "What do you want to be when you grow up?", my automatic response was that I wanted to be "a great thinker", I don't know where I heard that term but it was certainly something that suited what I wanted. I wanted for my life, I wanted stability and to be able to write, think and write again, but the world ate me up, misery swallowed me mercilessly, I couldn't be who I wanted, in fact after the laughter in my class when I gave that answer, I decided not to mention it again and since I was 6 years old I started saying that I wanted to be a computer engineer, something similar to what I achieved over time, but that is not what my soul, in those pure years, had as a mission for me. There are no thoughts, there is no time, there is no pen that is capable of writing when you do not have a decent shelter.

Just as today was a good day to be born, the icy breeze tells me in my ear that it is also a great day to die.

Niko.

I survive with a strange feeling of emptiness that I never had before in my life. I have always traveled alone, I have been alone and I enjoy doing it, but I have a hole in my chest that is getting bigger every day. It has nothing to do with something psychological in strict terms, I regularly go to therapy and I feel good, I don't have major problems in my life... obviously there are always inconveniences especially when you are a migrant, but none of that is what causes me pain. I interact with people who are incredible, I have learned many new things and I can even say that I have been happy on some occasions, but it is something temporary. The effect of happiness is so short, it is so short because it is simply a substitute, it is not true happiness.

The breeze makes the leaves of the trees dance delicately, I look at the sky so that the rays of light give me some energy, some hope. My phone rings, there are new notifications. I look at the notifications and tears begin to run down my eyes and I can't stop myself, a whirlwind rushes from my stomach and forms a lump in my throat. My phone notifies me that I have two new emails, right now it is notifying me that you sent me pictures 1 year ago. Why notifying me now? Why only those two emails with pics? Why does it still hurt so much to be without you? Why the further away I want to be, the more I miss you?

I open the mail and there is that smile, I see those pics and there is my home. I see those pics and I see the unattainable, I suffer... and I understand what that emptiness is that I have in my chest. I cry with pain because it seems like a bad prank from my phone doing this to me, then I think about the energies and spirituality and I imagine that things are signs. Signs that I should remember that when I am sure of something I should fight more but then I fall back into normal reasoning and understand that things are for two or they are not. I can't build a life with someone if that person doesn't have the same intentions, so I'm left with the first thought that my phone is a prankster.

I close my eyes for a moment and remember you, I smile because in my mind that is how you live, a luminous soul that has different priorities in life, you are a halo of intense light that illuminates the whole house, your jokes give you personality, your slow way of acting but your always quick mind give you the attitude. I close my eyes and I see the reflection of yours sending me love no matter where I am, sending me information even if you're across the room, I remember your hands and the way you walk, your voice, your scent, your skin... I like it, I like your body, I like to hug you, I like your lips. I like the energy that you are able to send me and the affection with which you treat me. Everything stays in a memory of 1 minute while I have my eyes closed and I suffer because I can't have you anymore, I suffer because I miss you.

It's summer and things in life seem beautiful, flowers... but my phone plays funny and reminds me that I will carry an emptiness in my chest for the rest of my existence for not being able to spend my summer days with you and feel at home.

Niko.