Outline:

1. AGP as a demonized condition, perhaps unrightfully and out of fear of invalidation

2. Personal experience with gender dysphoria and introspection. Reflections on journey so far, potentially helpful insights

3. How to reframe and proceed, how those within the trans space can face fears of invalidation and achieve their best selves

A Demonized Paraphilia

Autogynephilia (AGP) is demonized by transgender activists because it seems to reduce the desire for a male to become a woman to some form of a feminization fetish. There is more nuance to it, but I want to present a case for AGP being a great foundation for why one might decide to transition, and to detach it from the connotation it's usually assigned (at birth? lol). What can be the motivations for a acting out AGP desires in the first place? Sexual satisfaction, sure, but also comfort, release from pressure/responsibility/need to make decisions levied by being seen as male, or distraction from pain or overwhelming stimulation. Such desires can manifest in seemingly non-sexual behaviors considered typically feminine like shaving body hair, makeup, and nail painting.

Furthermore, there is reason to believe that regardless of what "true trans" means, that men with AGP have unique brain characteristics, considered less in line with that seen in cis women than that observed in Homosexual Transsexuals (HSTS), and more so a unique profile unto itself [1]. The terf-ier of us may interpret this to mean that those who present as trans women, while being motivated by AGP, are invalid and should admit to being perverted men (this is true more than we'd like to admit, in my opinion, whether it's acted upon or not). However, I'd like to suggest we finally admit that many, if not all trans women are motivated by some AGP facet, as evidenced by the mimicry commonly observed of what they see as typically feminine. We can use that shared agreement as a foundation to address AGP with better patient outcomes. This may or may not include hormonal transition, and with enough public support, a standard for psychological testing for motivations to transition can be developed and widely implemented. I say this because it seems to me that there are cases where transition motivated by AGP seems to result in a long-term improvement in quality of life, at least towards a decade after starting HRT. However, I'm doubtful that public support for deciphering such nuance and altering treatment paradigms will exist in the near future...

Some of my Experience with AGP

My experience with the concept of AGP started with dismissing it. I was a redditor freshly aware of the fact that I not only was an egg, but could be cracked, UwU. By that I mean, heavily trans-activist-informed rhetoric was my first picture of the who, what, and why of finding oneself to be trans. I realized that putting on a short dress, tights, hip pads, fake boobs, makeup, and a wig turned me on and was the fuel of sexual fantasy, where I was the woman during sex and (of course) the faceless man was penetrating me (classic AGP if you've read on pseudo-bisexuality). I'd been questioning whether I was gay before I ever considered being trans, so the jury is still out on how "pseudo" my potential bisexuality really is. Regardless, I could be sure a non-negligible portion of my motivation to feminize myself was for the sexual thrill of it. Confusingly, I'm close to asexual otherwise, and while I have sex with women fairly often (i.e. just trying to give the context that I don't think I'm an incel), it's not of lustful desire, it's more of a "well it feels pretty good and my friend will enjoy it, it'll be a good bonding activity" variety. I tend to desire sex much less often than anyone I've been with, and predictably that doesn't bode well for the relationship continuing, especially when being expected to initiate most of the time. Again, who knows how generalizable this is, it's just been my experience.

When initially trying to make sense of the sexual motivation for feminizing myself, and even through the first few weeks of taking feminizing HRT myself, I followed the crowd of incredulous redditors commenting "AGP has been debunked, this is just normal female sexuality", but, the skeptical scientist I am, I eventually decided the best way to feel secure in my identity was to deeply understand the ideas that challenged my validity the most. Queue reading Men Trapped in Men's Bodies, listening to every Benjamin Boyce gender-related interview, then watching every video posted by several interesting guests. While my testosterone (read: libido) was suppressed, and therefore, so was a sizeable portion of my desire to transition. This exposure led me to come across several interesting-to-me perspectives on gender and transition, so I'd like to highlight those in a future post more. Generally, my "off the top of my head" summary on the material I consumed was that:

1. There is a silenced minority of detransitioners who were harmed by the current affirmative treatment model for medical transition,

2. A handful of pathologies can cause gender dysphoria. Addressing the dysphoria with transition will not address the initial cause, and therefore transition should not be considered until the initial cause is addressed,

3. There are those who have transitioned and don't regret it after many years, but do advocate for a re-tightening of gatekeeping, based on their observation of how treatment paradigms changed since they started transition

4. Spaces historically segregated by sex are now being segregated by self-proclaimed gender identity. This has implications, the severity of which can't be agreed upon. However, it does motivate a discussion of the ethics of segregated space used based on self-identification, and an ongoing effort to find the most ethical way to navigate this issue (ideally free of political agendas, though I doubt that's possible with things like bathrooms), and

5. Related to (4), there is an imposing masculine-feminine power dynamic that sometimes exists between AGPs and cis women, or, it always exists, and some are better at obfuscating it than others. Maybe it's because many AGPs still have their penises, and that itself is imposing in a typically sex-segregated, women's only space.

With a suppressed libido and a mind packed with a plethora of perspectives on gender identity and medical transition, I felt the belief of being "a woman trapped in a man's body" fall apart completely. I am a male, who wants to be a woman, can do my best to mimic a cis woman, to the point where I may be able to interact in society as a woman, but this distinction would likely always leave me feeling separate, a transwoman. In addition to that, catching up on decades of socialization, social hierarchies, and etiquette that would need to be integrated by force, along with the difficulties of voice training, HRT and its health challenges and risks, and policing my gender presentation to make sure I can convince others of my femininity, is a tall order for anything but debilitating dysphoria. This all set in all at once and my desire to continue with HRT evaporated. Right now, AGP feels all too real, and has placed my identity foundation once again in flux. It's hard to transition to a moving target like that, hence the cease fire of estrogen.

If I can rationalize the identity I'm moving toward and gain confidence I'll benefit from the tradeoffs I'm making, maybe I'll start HRT again, but in the meantime, I'll try to find peace in the journey towards the next stable concept of self, while improving on other aspects of my identity. Can I be more generous to my friends, can I be more altruistic in general, can I develop ideas that will be of use to the world? There is just so much else, from which fixating on gender detracts. For example, I develop software. When I'm in the zone, working on a fun idea, I'm not a body. I'm just a mind realizing an idea on the screen, and that is, for that short time, the entire focus of my reality (no dysphoria, or gender-policing the self).

Facing the Scary Ideas

In general, based on my journey and seeing many within trans communities online shy away from potentially invalidating ideas, I think the most value is gained not from staying within your echo chamber subreddits, but from exposing yourself to challenging ideas and seeing what remains after the test. Afraid you're AGP? Don't deny it's existence. Read the papers and see what info is contained within them that can help you improve your life. Don't worry that the word paraphilia is contained in the text - this term is not derogatory on its own, and if it applies to you, it's best to recognize it, and proceed accordingly.

Challenge your concept of self more than the outside world could ever (i.e. people who disagree with you from r/detrans ;) ) with an open mind to the reality that whatever remains after these trials will be like the sculpture left behind from a giant block of marble. You are Michelangelo (Michelangela??).

References

1. New MRI Studies Support the Blanchard Typology of Male-to-Female Transsexualism. James M. Cantor. DOI 10.1007/s10508-011-9805-6

Hi. I'm writing these entries as a self-reflection, but also one that is ideally helpful to you too. I'm male and 26 years old, and have been contemplating sexuality and gender since I became aware of these concepts during puberty. I'm trying to find a way to rationalize transgender and/or transsexual identity, after staring hormones and realizing that I truly don't know how I'll anchor my sense of identity as I continue to transition. I didn't feel right calling myself a woman, the same as any cis-woman. Transwoman made sense, but that word receives a lot of pushback lately. Therefore, most of this is focused on male-to-female transition, since that is my selfish agenda. Hehe.

After scrolling through every subreddit and watching every YouTube video I could find, I have detached from the prevailing "WPATH-style" affirmative-only method of assessing myself and feel that a lot of what is driving my desire to transition is AGP. That isn't to say that I'm purely indulging a fetish if I transition. My goal is to be a normal-appearing androgynous person, not to walk around pretending I'm truly a woman and expecting to be integrated into women's social interactions as if I'm the same as them. Nor to walk around in an outfit that is unusually provocative and usually considered in poor taste to wear about town, as if that is business casual attire, claiming transphobia at anyone who dares contradict my mandate, as some activists are doing.

I see a few reasons one might adopt the more authoritarian interpretation of the "trans women are women" mandate, having whole-heartedly agreed with that at one point. It's a self-validation of one's own femininity through via the means of acting and dressing that provide the strongest stimulation. Sort of masturbatory, in a descriptive but not necessarily invalidating sense. Not only is the AGP sense of femininity based on a feeling which can vary free of reasoning, but also one that varies according to sexual appetite. There are alternative explanations, but you'll see reddit posts asking something like "Why do I want to transition less after masturbating?". This is something I've experienced, and though may be worth looking into more deeply, i.e., "how much of my motivation to transition is based on sexual dysphoria, rather than social or physical?".

Such questions won't lead to proof that a person is AGP and therefore erroneously transitioning for the sole purpose of satisfying a fetish - to be fair, the distress of AGP is often intolerable, leaving someone with the options of self-harm or transition, and while some would even consider transition self-harm, it can certainly be considered the lesser of two evils when the alternative is suicide. I've been there, and would take any option possible to relieve the pain. However, the challenge remains to address the cases of predatory AGPs entering women's spaces and ruining tolerance of flexibility regarding things like letting female-identified people into women's bathrooms.

Alternatively, imagine a case where someone who exhibits AGP to the point where they can no longer sustain any sexual relationship while being seen as masculine, leaving them isolated. If transition does not involve them forcing speech on others (i.e. still being OK with being called male, using male spaces, generally not exerting the authoritarian pressure of transphobia accusations on those around you for not submitting to your reality), what is the ethical problem with addressing AGP with HRT and potentially surgery? This is a choice of personal expression which doesn't require a restructuring of language and something approaching compelled speech.

Some might argue "I don't want to be forced to be around someone else's fetish" in response to whether it's ethical to accept AGP people in day-to-day life. True, it can be uncomfortable realizing why they look and act how they do, but in the same vane, this would be an exclusion based on what you think that person must be thinking. A similar example would be excluding all men from society because of the instances where they fantasize about female coworkers. It's not comfortable to imagine being the object of unwanted attraction, but this is impossible to get rid of, and thoughts aren't punishable, so we accept it in society. I could even argue AGP is in some cases more ethically unassuming than heterosexual attraction - even if you know what the AGP person is thinking, those desires likely aren't toward any person other than themselves and any meta-attracted image they generate to validate their sense of femininity.

Furthermore, HRT can diminish the intensity of AGP fantasies such that they may be less likely to be acted upon. This has at least been my experience. I was on sublingual estradiol and spironolactone for about a month (4 and 100 mg/day), and by a couple weeks in, the arousal at the thought of being female was diminished. My libido was diminished overall, which was welcome honestly. However, I became quite depressed and lethargic, as well as unsure of where I was heading with this treatment, so I decided to stop and re-evaluate before making more permanent changes. I can't say it was wrong, but this is quite a challenge to rationalize through the noise of current "trans ideology".

Questions for you:

1. Should AGPs who transition while not contesting that they are still male, and otherwise don't subject others to their fantasies beyond looking more feminine, be accepted?

2. What other techniques have you used to quell AGP, under the assumption that it can't be ignored or suppressed? (I've heard of SSRIs, occasional crossdressing and indulging the fantasies without HRT, or Paraphilia substitution, for example)

3. What other questions should I be asking?