Sentsinky, a long time San Fran resident gainfully employed as a software developer at Uber said it all started when the boss said they’d be implementing AI to “help out around here.”

According to Sentsinky, “At first it was cool. AI summarized my emails, and drafted responses in my tone of voice. So I brought it home. Then AI was ordering me pizza for dinner, recording my favorite sitcom, and even giving me trading suggestions in the market."

Carmichael, of the Dirkosovitch Research Institute, spearheaded this pilot test of the new LLM with the ride share company Uber. “We’re excited about this new version, and partnering with Uber to pilot test its capacity.” He added.

Droves of AI researchers have been vying for this new iteration of intelligence that can replace a large amount of the software developer market. “It’s a natural gap to fill,” said data scientist Hans Carmichael, “coders think like computers, and AI’s are computers that can think like coders."

"I was so pleased I coded in a bit more autonomy into it. That was my first mistake. I should have known when it asked me my favorite pets name, my 2nd grade elementary school teacher, and what road I grew up on.” Sentisnky adds.

In a matter of weeks coder and multiple t-shirt owner Sentinsky had been replaced by AI at work, lost his life savings in AI bot-trading meme coins in the crypto market, and got dumped by his girlfriend for being broke and jobless.

“I mean what was I supposed to do, stick around?” Noted ex-girlfriend Sherry Bonitas, “Plus, there’s this new AI app that pairs hot women with wealthy men. All you have to do is scan your body and your retina to see what level of income you qualify for. I’m beta-testing for them right now!”

AI took Sentinsky’s job, his girlfriend, and all he had to show for it was a stupid memecoin of a dog with hat.

Dogwithhat is up 721% on the news.

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Many employees expressed concern that they would no longer be paid in USD, especially those who use dollars on a daily basis. "Don't worry," said Musk, "You don't even need a Coinbase account. All you need to do is download our native Tesla Wallet App and access our exchange. And you won't even need to do that, because these tokens will be non-transferable for the first year. It just doesn't make any sense to make them transferable — people would just sell them, without even understanding the amazing work of genius and engineering that they are selling."

Employees became curious about how they would pay for things like rent and food when they would not be able to transfer or sell the tokens for the first year. "Not to worry," assured Musk. "The universal intersubjective work tokens will allow the users to make consensus-based claims about the nature of our reality in a cryptoeconomically secure way. For example: 'paying your employees in tokens is bullshit' is subjective, because that's just your own opinion. But an intersubjective truth is one that can be shared and observed broadly, such as 'What is the dollar value of a token that can't be transferred or sold?'"

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As the saying goes millionaires study the charts and billionaires study the stars. Gravity waves, atmospheric holes and solar coronas pale in comparison to the inimitability that was the Luna eclipse. This lesser-known astrologically economic event only occurs once a generation the likes of which haven’t been seen since the Madoff moon was spotted behind Jupiter in the early aughts.

Famed economist Darth Lupinsky framed Luna eclipse as, “the only astrological event that had the capacity to drain the wallets of everyone under the sky. ” Lupinsky noted you had to watch the Luna eclipse with special glasses or through a pinhole if you didn’t want to, “lose what you put in.”

Roaming somewhere in Montenegro former Terra/Luna CEO Do Kwon was spotted bragging in a bar to a stranger. Looking up at the solar event as it was televised internationally, Do downed a Diet Pepsi, slammed it on the bar, and stated, “This solar eclipse has nothing on my Luna eclipse. So what if represents the astrological union of celestial objects, it only makes half the earth dark for four minutes. The Luna eclipse drained 18 billion dollars in less than 24 hours. Try doing that, sun.” Kwon, a known Lunatic, reportedly only crossed borders on new moons.

Future Luna eclipses cannot be predicted as such but come with early indicators to watch out for such as forecasting tidal yields, multiplying like rabbits, and jukeboxes playing cover songs of Pink Floyd’s seminal album.

Stablecoins are down 99.999% on the event.

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Lawyers from both sides of the aisle scrolled through CoinGecko dismissing unfit ERC-20 tokens for the jury selection. Discerning traits were not being differentiated enough from Trump Coin, being biased towards Trump Coin, and or not adding or adding a hat to Trump Coin.

The plaintiff made an appeal to the judge with respect to general dismissal, “We believe these characteristics put memetic tokens in danger of bias your honor, and ask that they be summarily dismissed from the courtroom.” The attorney representing the accused immediately retorted, “Your honor, these other ERC-20 tokens clearly have a hat while Trump Coin does not, therefore they are different and not biased, and as such I ask that you keep them in consideration for the jury as a result of their own recognizance.”

The methodical process of picking the appropriate coins to judge the case could take weeks, even months. There are so many versions of the same type of coin that neither the plaintiff nor the defendant has been able to agree on “what constitutes value”, and beyond that, “meaning”.

“I think Trump Coin shouldn’t even be on CoinGecko,” noted a concerned degen that stood outside the courtroom in protest. “It is a disgrace to our democracy.” Protestors from both sides were in attendance. Another added, “Trump Coin to the moon, bitches.”

It is with a hushed sense of gravity, and an eye toward justice that we engage in this unprecedented event of Trump Coin finally standing trial. One meme coin was asked about its degen-like yield farming behaviors during the bull run of 2020, to which it replied, “I don’t think that’s fair Sir because everything was going up. So I couldn’t lose.” Fair enough as it may be, and although such logic seems airtight, other arguments are less so.

As the country decides this case, and we look toward the future of yield farming, ideally, it will be a future that has a trustless hold on justice, reality, and fortune.

Dog with hat coin is up 72% on the news.

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“It really wasn’t as complicated as it may seem on the surface,” noted Professor Clip Supp-Leigh, “after we were able to pool the data sets from previous halvings into our tailored AI equation-generator, which was programmed to make decisions based on Occam’s Razor, the math came back, and it was startling to say the least.”

An early version of the research conducted around this halving was published in The Economist. Mathematicians, Stock traders, and Degens alike are balking at the results. “This just isn’t possible. I mean it’s so clear it was right in front of us the whole time.,” quipped a day trader from the private equity firm ATH, Inc.

Professor Supp-Leigh added, “perhaps it was so obvious it wasn’t.”

Dismay abounds that it took a small group of eccentric academics in upstate New York to reveal the true nature of the Bitcoin halving. A profound truth that will echo off the chambers of all codes for decades to come. On April 20th, not only will stoned teenagers be canvasing the candy aisle of 7-11 for JuJu Beans and Watchyamacallits, but Bitcoin, will become half as valuable.

Please contact your financial advisor.

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New York's top hedge fund managers, Bank CEO’s, and degenerate anonymous ERC-20 token progenitors were all in attendance. The Ritalin-addled audience hooped and hollered much like a scene out of The Wolf of Wall Street.

A journalist for The Times raised a probing question during the Q&A session that followed, “While it seems that Bitcoin may be the best performing asset of all time, how can it outperform crack cocaine. You can’t smoke bitcoin.”

Todamun retorted, “Yet.”

Not too far from the event leading political adversaries who have been sparring over party-defining issues seem to have got wise to the idea that Bitcoin could produce single-issue voters. President Donald J. Trump did an about-face on the subject and spoke of it in an interview with CNBC, “It’s the greatest ever, simply the greatest. Nothing is as great. Not even drugs.”

Typically vehemently opposed to Bitcoin Senator Elizabeth Warren also joined the fray. She referenced her “indigenous heritage” and stated that all Bitcoin really belongs to her people, but was stolen away by “digital imperialism”. There are at least two social justice warriors incorporating this mentality into their graduate theses at The University of Berkley at the time of writing. Other politicians spoke up as well. Independent candidate RFK noted in a story on Instagram that, “the freedom to transact is as fundamental as the freedom of speech. Even if you’re buying crack.”

In other news, an anon posted a cryptographic message on Reddit early Sunday morning that there was going to be an initial coin offering for a company that would specialize in robbing banks. The coin is supposed to be listed as $NGUT, which stands for Number Go Up Technology, Inc.

Meme coins are down 12% on the news.

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The primary field was highly contested, with respected contenders like Elizabeth Whoren and Sanders WifHat. But all major polls indicated a significant lead for incumbent Jeo Boden. It seemed that Boden had support from the Democratic elite, which is why it was so surprising to see a grassroots write-in name win the primary from under Boden’s feet.

According to exit interviews, HarryPotterObamaSonic10Inu was a choice that people could believe in and rally behind; a name that represents both leadership and experience as well as hope for change.

HarryPotterObamaSonic10Inu held a press conference minutes after his victory was announced. “The people have spoken. I am humbled by your support. We’re taking our great country to the moon!”

Some Republicans, most notably Doland Tremp, have made accusations that HarryPotterObamaSonic10Inu did not have a fair launch and therefore is ineligible to be president of the United States. HarryPotterObamaSonic10Inu’s campaign has categorically denied these allegations as baseless rumors.

Memecoins are up 420% on the news.

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In a statement released through his company, McDuck Enterprises, the affluent mallard expressed his skepticism towards Bitcoin in light of the recent “hubbub” surrounding it and other digital currencies, stating, “True wealth lies in tangible assets, such as gold and property, and more gold and more property to hold all of that gold, and a wee bit of cash for liquidity, not in imaginary computer money with a cartoon name and faceless author. What’s more, how am I supposed to dive into something that isn’t even real?”

Despite the growing popularity and adoption of Bitcoin among mainstream investors sparked by the recent introduction of several Bitcoin ETFs, Scrooge McDuck remains steadfast in his belief that true wealth is built through frugality, avoiding mistakes, and making money the old-fashioned way: by earning it. That and you don't need to wear pants to be a global business magnate.

McDuck's outspoken criticism of Bitcoin as being “modern-day alchemy” has sparked debates across the financial sector and crypto Twitter alike, with some viewing his comments as a relic of traditional wealth preservation methods, while others, such as MicroStrategy’s Michael Saylor, applauding his skepticism stating, “Good. More for me.”

McDuck was unavailable for comment; however, McDuck's pilot Launchpad McQuack remarked in a subsequent interview, "If it's dangerous, count me in! Adventure's my middle name... well, not really, but it should be!", though it remains unclear if the topic of conversation was indeed Bitcoin despite being prompted with an unambiguous "What is your opinion on Bitcoin?"

Although it was not surprising that McDuck denounced Bitcoin, what was unexpected was that his statement garnered headlines. animated opinion on wealth and how to store it, it's uncertain whether his stance will influence others or simply become a footnote in Bitcoin's ongoing saga.

However, one thing remains crystal clear: Every day they're out there making DuckTales! (Woo-oo!)

Bitcoin 100% ignored the news.

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Leveraging his resources and connections, he has collaborated with designers from around the block to create a line of clothing that not only exudes style but also carries a message of empowerment and social awareness. Bankman-Fried's initiative aims to bring dignity and hope to those often overlooked by mainstream society, such as silver-spoon white males with bad memories and moppy hair.

With this groundbreaking project, Bankman-Fried seeks to address the systemic issues of mass incarceration and the lack of opportunities for rehabilitation. By involving his fellow inmates in the design and production process and showcasing their creativity, Conscious Couture serves as a platform for these individuals to express themselves and reclaim their identity beyond their circumstances.

The 2024 spring collection titled “Yardbird”, as shown above, features clean lines and simple silhouettes defining a modern, mature look for SBF and crew’s freshman effort and will be available pending enough palms getting greased.

Bankman-Fried was unavailable for comment, but sources report that he really hopes his mom likes it, though The Rug is not entirely sure what “it” refers to or that he was talking about his actual mom.

Ninety-five percent of the proceeds go towards a shot caller known only as “Hands” while the other 5% towards somehow getting Bankman-Fried out of the slammer and/or starting a new company involving AI, orgies, a used Toyota Corolla, and shoddy bookkeeping.

A true act of selflessness indeed.

Textile stocks are flat on the news.

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Bitcoin enthusiasts are celebrating as the digital gold skyrocketed to an astronomical price, reaching levels that have left economists scratching their heads and traditional financial institutions scrambling for answers.

"Who needs world leaders when we have Bitcoin?" exclaimed a self-proclaimed crypto guru, waving a flag made entirely of blockchain transactions. "This is the ultimate decentralized revolution. Say goodbye to your mundane problems; Bitcoin is here to fix everything."

Reports are flooding in from around the world, claiming that hunger has miraculously vanished. Soup kitchens are now serving gourmet meals, and food banks are stocked with caviar and truffles. Bitcoin's ascent apparently triggered a global redistribution of resources, transforming fast food into fine dining at the swipe of a digital wallet.

"I used to struggle to put food on the table for my family," said an ecstatic mother, holding a Bitcoin-shaped loaf of bread. "But now, thanks to Bitcoin, my kids are demanding sushi for breakfast. It's a culinary revolution!"

The once-persistent issue of poverty has also been obliterated. Homelessness has been replaced with a real estate boom in virtual reality, where everyone has their own blockchain mansion.

"Who needs a 9-to-5 job when you can just HODL your way to prosperity?" chuckled a man in a diamond-studded top hat, sitting in his virtual mansion surrounded by NFT artwork. "Bitcoin is the universal basic income we never knew we needed."

Countries that were once at odds are now holding hands, their disputes settled with blockchain transactions rather than warfare. The United Nations has reportedly been replaced by a decentralized network of miners, reaching consensus on global issues with a simple proof-of-stake mechanism.

"War is so last century," commented a diplomat, donning a suit made entirely of cryptocurrency logos. "Now, if a nation wants to assert dominance, they just have to mine more blocks. It's a much more civilized way to settle disputes."

The world can only watch in awe as all problems dissolve into the digital ether. The cryptocurrency market has become the benevolent overlord of our existence, ushering in an era where Lambos are the norm, and global harmony is just a blockchain transaction away. Welcome to the brave new world of Bitcoin-induced utopia, where the only thing more valuable than a decentralized currency is a satirical take on financial news.

Bitcoin is down 7% on the news.

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Letter From The Editor

Dear Bull's Eyes,

Well the matador market is back! For a while there, bitcoin stalled as suburban moms moved into big dumb cups, but now a weather alert from the coast guard projects boating accidents will reach an ATH in 2024/25 and boomer parents now own more bitcoin than their kids.

ETH Denver went off without a hitch because Vitalik limited the number of heads who can crash on his floor to fifty. But with the market's heating up, your friend who just accepted buy now advice from six months ago is flummoxed that he's not rich yet.

Plus, SBF is defining modern fashion with his new spring collection, a lot of people got raptured when ETH broke 3K, although now the ETH to 10K crowd might settle for 4K and a hot dog.

In other news investigators are still looking for whoever is called Sybil and why she has been attacked. They have a few leads.

Giddyup.

The Rug | Articles

PREMIUM — Everyone in Courtroom Was Satoshi EXCEPT For Craig Wright

PREMIUM — Craig Wright, who has claimed for years to be Bitcoin’s anonymous creator Satoshi Nakamoto, was dumbfounded recently when the courtroom finally revealed that every person in the room, with the exception of Craig Wright, is actually... [cont. reading]

Level up to The Rug Premium and get exclusive access to this and future exclusive monthly articles, a premium member-only NFT badge, and access to a Discord channel with The Rug writers. $2/month, infinity laughs a year. The math checks out. We have a math scientist on staff.

Boomer Parents Now Own More Bitcoin Than Their Kids

JACKSONVILLE — It just keeps getting better for Boomers in the wake of the wave of recent Bitcoin ETFs. Baby boomer parents are continuing to show that the tortoise beats the hare and are increasingly surpassing their millennial and Gen Z children in terms of Bitcoin ownership, fueled pretty much entirely by the advent of...[cont. reading]

Treasury Secretary Janet Yellen Consults Ghost of Ben Franklin for Advice on Crypto

WASHINGTON D.C. — Treasury Secretary Janet Yellen communed with the soul of Ben Franklin late Saturday evening for advice on crypto regulation. She reported to be desperate for ideas on how to stop it from... [cont. reading]

The Rug | X/Bird Headlines

SAFETY — Coast Guard Forecasts Record High Boating Accidents in 2024-25

The Rug | Crypto News

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SAFETY — Coast Guard Forecasts Record High Boating Accidents in 2024-25

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15

7:18 PM • Feb 27, 2024

Coast Guard knows best.

MARKETS — Friend Who Just Accepted 'Buy Now' Advice From Six Months Ago Somehow Not Rich Yet

The Rug | Crypto News

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MARKETS — Friend Who Just Accepted 'Buy Now' Advice From Six Months Ago Somehow Not Rich Yet

#TheRug

11

6:27 PM • Feb 28, 2024

How has it not happened yet?

MARKETS — ETH Hits 3K, HODLers Raptured While World Burns

The Rug | Crypto News

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MARKETS — ETH Hits 3K, HODLers Raptured While World Burns

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15

9:39 PM • Feb 20, 2024

No man shall know the hour.

INVESTIGATION — Who Is Sybil And Why Does She Keep Getting Attacked?

The Rug | Crypto News

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INVESTIGATION — Who Is Sybil And Why Does She Keep Getting Attacked?

#TheRug

13

6:05 PM • Feb 19, 2024

Tell me what you do know about her.

FINANCE — Bitcoin Stalls as More Suburban Moms Move Net Worth Into Big Dumb Cups

The Rug | Crypto News

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FINANCE — Bitcoin Stalls as More Suburban Moms Move Net Worth Into Big Dumb Cups

#TheRug #Stanley

8

4:55 PM • Feb 7, 2024

They are pretty cool though.

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Baby boomer parents are continuing to show that the tortoise beats the hare and are increasingly surpassing their millennial and Gen Z children in terms of Bitcoin ownership, fueled pretty much entirely by the advent of Bitcoin exchange-traded funds (ETFs).

“It’s all about the long game you punk kids!” yells Buford Jones at a Bitcoin ATM thinking it communicates directly with a generation. A statement that sums up the recent trend quite nicely.

This shift reflects a broader movement towards digital investment and adoption among older generations who are recognizing the potential of cryptocurrencies as a store of value now that it is only one phone call away, being brokered by the man, and they are running out of other assets to horde.

With decades of financial experience (aka sticking it to the youth) under their belts and a keen eye for scooping up the labors of others, many baby boomers have embraced Bitcoin ETFs as a convenient and regulated way to gain exposure to the crypto market, often to the surprise of their degen offspring.

When recently asked about cryptocurrency, 69-year-old new investor Patricia “Pat” Brown voiced, “I don’t know what all the fuss is about. I just clicked a button, and now I am up 19%. Young people seem to only want to complain about how hard they have it. I’m just not seeing it. Now pour me another glass of red and tell me something worth listening to bright eyes.”

In probably one of the most startling indications of digital gold going mainstream, iconic diner chains, including Golden Corral, Denny’s, and Perkins, have recently made a bold move by announcing their acceptance of Bitcoin payments during the hours of 6 a.m. to noon, showcasing a significant shift in the traditional diner landscape and the foresight to get in front of the coming tsunami of walkers and wheelers strapped with Bitcoin bags.

It is unclear whether this trend of senior citizen good fortune will continue, but the magic financial 8-ball is reporting that anyone under the age of 60 is fucked no matter how many times you shake it.

Crypto is up 16% on the news, but not for you.

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“We know,” said the Judge. “Because I am Satoshi.”

”So am I,” said the bailiff.

”And us,” said the jury.

Everyone inside the courtroom said they were Satoshi (except for Wright, who as previously mentioned, has surrendered on that front), and they began to high-five one another and congratulate themselves on the successful ruse.

“We’ve been waiting for this moment for a LONG time.” The “Judge” then played a video detailing the contribution of every person in the room to the collective group that chose to name themselves “Satoshi”. “Satoshi” is a group consisting of forty-three individuals composed of computer scientists, economists, and philosophers, and a few professors.

In case there was any remaining doubt, a few jury members proceeded to use their laptops to sign a transaction from one of Satoshi’s known addresses.

“None of us are actually lawyers, judges, or any of that,” said Cindy Hoffstader, a distinguished Austrian economist, and one of the forty-three real Satoshis. “But when Craig started going around saying he was Satoshi, we knew we had to get the gang back together and do something. We’ve been waiting for him to finally confess for years, just so that we could do this.”

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Charles had already brought it up twice and was told he’d “for sure have the money for him tomorrow,” but on both of those occasions, the next day bore no fruit. Charles decided he’d ask one last time before giving up on it altogether.

To Charles’ great surprise, Eric agreed to repay him right then and there if Charles would be willing to accept payment in Ethereum. Seeing that this was likely the only way he would ever get his money back, he reluctantly agreed, despite not really knowing what Ethereum is. Eric then sat down with Charles and guided him through the process of downloading MetaMask, backing up his seed phrase, and sharing his public address so that Eric could pay him the 0.0089 Ethereum that he owed for lunch.

"See how easy that was?" Eric said, twenty-five minutes later. Charles asked why his balance only showed nineteen dollars. According to Eric, this was because the price of Ethereum is volatile and had slid downward slightly during the repayment process. Also, Eric had needed to withhold a couple of dollars to cover his gas fees. Eric now wants to talk to Charles about NFTs any time they cross paths at work.

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SAN FRANCISCO — There was a bit of drama at a recent Coinbase shareholder meeting after Brian Armstrong, apropos of nothing, leapt onto the table and screamed, "COINBASE WILL DRINK THE BLOOD OF ITS ENEMIES!"

This comes after a series of perceived victories for Coinbase and a month-long rally of $COIN to $147 per share. It is unclear whether "enemies" referred to their largest competitor, Binance (which has recently been hit with over $4B in fines), or to their ongoing battles with the SEC.

Armstrong, who is usually known for his level-headedness and composure, screamed at the top of his lungs, "THEY WILL TREMBLE AND BEG US FOR MERCY, BUT NO MERCY WILL COME. WE WILL USE OUR BASE CHAIN TO STRANGLE THE LIFE FROM THEIR PATHETIC BODIES!" The people present at the meeting stared in stunned silence while Armstrong continued ranting in this fashion, pacing up and down the conference room table, his bald head like a shiny red tomato, bulging with veins, and spittle flying everywhere.

For years, Armstrong and Coinbase have faced numerous challenges from regulators and fickle markets. Was this outburst simply the result of an accumulation of stress over the years? Or does this mark the beginning of a new era for the crypto company?

After ten minutes of Armstrong ranting atop the conference table, members of the board began to get swept up in the moment. One by one, they stood and joined in a low, unified chant: "COIN, COIN, COIN..." The chanting grew louder and louder, while Armstrong danced in the center of it. He then took a pen from his jacket pocket, stabbed his own left hand, and smeared the blood all over himself, laughing.

BTC is down 2% on the news, while $COIN is up 5%.

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Codenamed “NFT Bait” this initiative is not just a standalone endeavor but is intricately linked to Amazon's push for subscriptions to Luna, their cloud gaming service. I bet you didn’t even know Amazon had a cloud gaming service. You’re welcome.

By offering free gaming NFTs, Amazon is not only capitalizing on the latest burgeoning FOMO craze, as well as nerds' insatiable need to collect digital garbage to acquire tasteful items, unlocks, and cosmetics but is also strategically enhancing the appeal of Luna+, which currently has less appeal than Cardano.

In the competitive cloud gaming market, with the likes of Microsoft and Nvidia, standing out is crucial. By integrating NFTs with Luna, Amazon is not just offering a gaming service but an enriched, exclusive gaming community that nobody asked for.

But Amazon already offers NFTs? Right, you are! If you pay for an Amazon Prime subscription, then there’s already a selection of free NFTs that you can claim and use in current blockchain games, but they all suck worse than your cousin’s kid at Apex. Think greens and blues. If you want the good stuff, well get ready to pony up $10/month space cowboy.

But fear not fellow gamer. These aren’t just digital collectibles; they hold intrinsic value within the gaming ecosystem, such as exclusive in-game items, characters, or even unique game levels. This initial move aims to attract a niche market of gamers who value digital ownership and uniqueness in the gaming experience and then convert the masses of traditional gamers who loathe NFTs.

Until January 17, 2024, new Luna+ subscribers can claim the “freemium pack”, which includes a Polygon NFT for a guaranteed legendary character in the hit blockchain game Chess, but Web3.

No pawns here, fren. Only Kings.

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Letter From The Editor

Dear Elaborately-Designed Persian Wool Rugs,

Clocking in the end of 2023 and what a year it has been! Bitcoin is up ~150% year over year, Ethereum ~90% and Charles Hoskinson is just upset nobody has noticed how much he's stolen yet. A game of many blockchains is emerging and hipsters are moving off Solana to seek a cooler lesser known L1. Jack Dorsey's take on Web5 is "never mind", Smart Money has already rotated in-and-out-of X-mas shitcoins, and Ledger's team has been forced by HR to take at least 2hrs of anti-phishing courses.

Plus, The Rug officially rebranded as Bankless, BINANCE allowed "temporary" money laundering of delisted tokens, and one of the world's largest bitcoin skeptic's was survived by bitcoin.

What will 2024 bring other than more audacious claims by Balaji, quality significant other time plummeting as bitcoin moons, and Brian Armstrong drinking the blood of his enemies so long as regulators permit it.

Saddle up partner, you've made it to the bull market.

The Rug | Articles

PREMIUM — Jack Dorsey on Web 5: “Never Mind”

SAN FRANCISCO — Jack Dorsey, renowned tech entrepreneur and former CEO of X ( Twitter), has officially called it quits on his much-hyped project, "Web5." The enigmatic venture had been shrouded in secrecy, sparking curiosity and speculation within...[cont. reading]

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Smart Money Already Rotating Into Xmas Shitcoins

LONDON — This November, a new buzz has emerged as astute investors are diverting their attention to an unexpected sector: Christmas shitcoins...[cont. reading]

Game Boy Crypto Wallet Paused as Team Pivots to Playing Actual Video Games

CARTRIDGE COVE — In an unexpected turn of events, crypto startup Keyp’s much-anticipated “Game Wallet”—which planned to gamify the crypto hardware wallet experience and allow users to store their Bitcoin and Ethereum on a retro, real Game Boy—has been “temporarily” placed back in the cartridge case after... [cont. reading]

Ledger Introduces "Ledger Friends"

PARIS — Ledger announces the launch of Ledger Friends—a brand new product that allows users to send their seed phrase to their two best friends... [cont. reading]

Musk Explains Zero Knowledge Proof Means Requiring No Facts

SAN FRANCISCO — Posting to the near-bankrupt ‘X’ platform he bought and still has no idea how to manage, CEO Elon Musk clarified a little-understood term. “‘Zero knowledge’ or ‘zK’ is pretty simple,” Musk began. “It means you can say whatever you want, declare it as fact, and you don’t need to... [cont. reading]

The Rug | X/Bird Headlines

CULTURE — The Rug Rebrands as Bankless

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CULTURE — The Rug Rebrands as Bankless

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71

9:55 PM • Dec 4, 2023

We are just trying to avoid any confusion.

BREAKING — Ledger Employees Must Complete 2 Hour Anti Phishing Course

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BREAKING — Ledger Employees Must Complete 2 Hour Anti Phishing Course

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12

4:55 PM • Dec 14, 2023

This is just good HR practices.

CULTURE — Hipsters Leave Solana in Search of Lesser Known, More Contrarian L1

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CULTURE — Hipsters Leave Solana in Search of Lesser Known, More Contrarian L1

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20

11:23 PM • Dec 18, 2023

If you are reading this it's already too late, they've moved agian.

CULTURE — NFTs Are Coming Back Big This Holiday Season, Reports Guy With No Furniture

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CULTURE — NFTs Are Coming Back Big This Holiday Season, Reports Guy With No Furniture

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13

3:05 PM • Dec 1, 2023

Btw, check out this sofa listing I have on Craig's list.

CRYPTO — Bitcoin Skeptic Survived By Bitcoin

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CRYPTO — Bitcoin Skeptic Survived By Bitcoin

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14

8:06 PM • Nov 30, 2023

Another sad tale of a widow left with nothing.

CULTURE — Comedian Owen Benjamin Comes Out as Bitcurious

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CULTURE — Comedian Owen Benjamin Comes Out as Bitcurious

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7

6:25 PM • Dec 9, 2023

We are all at least 10% curious.

This was tis but a small sampling of X posts over the past month. Subscribe to @therugnews on X for your nearly daily dose of the hardest hitting headlines in Web3

The Rug | Vol. III Issue 1

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To discuss the practice of zK, Musk invited GOP presidential primary loser Vivek Ramaswamy and adult store loiterer Alex Jones to an X Spaces event. Both Jones and Ramaswamy are avid practitioners of zK, according to Musk. “My boy Alex has used zK to prove chemicals in the water are making frogs gay, and Vivek used it to prove white people are being replaced by minorities,” Musk stated. “Neither has one iota of truth backing them up. You could say they are zK geniuses.”

Cryptologist Franz Ferdinand claims that “zero knowledge” means something else entirely. “Look, ‘zero knowledge’ actually refers to a cryptographic proof that requires… you know what, never mind. I don’t know why I’m trying to explain this to someone who is still listening to anything that idiot Musk says,” Ferdinand added.

At X headquarters, Musk has ordered his team to start using zK for all aspects of the business, from user data to finances. “Using zK, we can tell the world we have as much money as we want,” Musk exclaimed. “And it’s proven true! Why do we even need accounting software anymore?”

Following the new zK protocol, Musk’s user analytics team estimates that 40 bazillion users will attend the zK X Spaces event on Dec 18.

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“Some of us are just not cut out for seed phrase management,” said Ledger CEO Pascal Gauthier. “We won’t see mass adoption unless we address this fact.”

Ledger wants to emphasize that, like Recover, this product is not for everyone. For example, not everyone has two friends. In that case Ledger has you covered. Ledger employees Stephan and Emilie are happy to be your new “Ledger Friend”.

Ledger announced their newest product today: Ledger Friends. Ledger Friends is a social media network that also serves as a seed phrase recovery service. Connect with your crypto-enthusiast friends. Shitpost, share, connect, and, most importantly, recover your seed phrase, should the need arise.

Ledger Friends will encrypt and DM your seed phrase to up to five of your best friends. What if you don’t have any friends? Don’t worry, Ledger has you covered. For a small fee of $10/month, Ledger will provide you with someone from their fully doxxed Friendship Team to be your Ledger Friend.

Can your friends on Ledger Friends conspire to steal your funds? Technically, yes. But then, were they truly ever your friends? “This is not a flaw within the Ledger Friends model,” insists Pascal Gauthier, CEO of Ledger. “It sounds like you need to make better friends.”

The Ledger Friends release comes at a rough time for Ledger, after a recent malicious code was inserted into the Ledger Connect software allowing the attackers to drain wallets. Ledger hopes Ledger Friends will help build a new, more positive narrative around Ledger and its services.

Ledger Friends will be an optional service for all new Ledger products, and will NOT become mandatory until Q4 of 2024.

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These speculative digital assets, themed around the holiday season, are gaining traction, and the smartest investors are positioning themselves ahead of what could be a significant December pump fueled by Christmas memes.

These "Christmas shitcoins" typically bear names and themes related to Santa Claus, reindeer, snowmen, and other festive symbols.

Some shitcoins are already seeing massive gains. “HappyBirthdayJesus,” “RudolphWuzHigh420,” and “Mr. Hanky’s Stanky Panky” are all up over 1200% over the past three days.

Historically, December has witnessed a surge in enthusiasm and engagement with Christmas-related content across various online platforms.

Memes have proven to be a driving force behind the viral adoption of certain tokens and so savvy investors are closely monitoring social media trends, identifying specific Christmas memes gaining traction, and associating them with corresponding Christmas shitcoins. By doing so, they aim to ride the wave of meme-driven hype and capitalize on the resulting surge in the token's value.

While these investments might seem speculative and driven by sentiment, the sharpest investors are conducting thorough research before diving in. They are assessing the credibility of the projects behind these Christmas shitcoins, examining the development teams, underlying technology, and potential use cases beyond the seasonal hype.

“This the second most obvious trade of the year,” one shrewd speculator said. “Christmas is the new Barbenheimer.”

Bitcoin is down 3% on the news.

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