I am dating my girlfriend now for 5.5y and we are at a period in which it feels like we’re very good friends. Like very good friends. We’re good together. I can totally imagine getting children with this woman. She is lovely. She is so caring, and she is so loyal. We have sex regularly. 

And at the same time I feel like having another girlfriend. I got to know her about 2y into my relationship. She is not officially my girlfriend, but it feels very similarly to me. I see her often. We chill together. We text a lot. Our brains are the same. We make fun of each other. We have fun together. My feelings for her are strong, too, and are not that different from the feelings I have for my girlfriend. After having had known her for a while, we had drunk sex ones, but due to my existing relationship we decided that it is not a good idea to start another romantic relationship. So we became really good friends instead. I enjoy being with her and enjoy the friendship. I think she does so, too. I mostly don’t crave physicality, although sometimes I do. 

And this is where I am. To me it feels like I have two girlfriends. To my actual girlfriend, I am pretty sure it feels like she has one boyfriend. To my “unofficial” girlfriend, I think it feels like she has no boyfriend. I am not sure how it feels to me. 

It sometimes feels like I have two girlfriends and none at the same time. 

What is a relationship anyways?

And then I always ask myself: What is a relationship anyways? Is it the romantic part? Is it the friendship part? Is it both together? Is it romance and friendship combined with the time spend together? The sacrifices made for each other? The ups and downs through which we have lived together? I have had all of that with both of these women. Only because everyone knows my girlfriend is my girlfriend, this doesn’t necessarily make her my (only) girlfriend to me. At least that’s not how it feels.

And then I always ask myself: Shouldn’t a relationship be more about the future? How important is the past, when it’s over by definition? But also for the future, I can imagine to continue with both these amazing women. 

And then there is the kids thing. Surely, I want to have kids some day. Probably rather earlier than later. I am 31 now. None of these two women will be fine with having children with me and still have the other woman as my girlfriend (or even wife?!). To make it even more complicated: I can well imagine to have kids with both of them. I make a good team with both of them and I have full trust in both. I feel judged by only thinking about it though. Not really because I am ashamed, but because I have been taught that this isn’t by any means a valid setup to have a family (or families 🤡). 

I write to find answers

I remember that when I was a teenager, I believed I was very bad at relationships. I wasn’t getting what I wanted. And then, after my first long relationship of >5y, an intense and polygamous single period, and now in my second long relationship, also >5y in, there were many points when I thought I am nailing it. I was getting what I wanted. The girls, the attention, but also the smarts and the wits, even the chill nights, also the fun nights. All of it. It was an amazing time and experience. 

Then, I have grown older and started to get lost. Lost into what feels like an endless spiral of thinking and non-thinking about my relationships and what I want and what I am capable of in a relationship. I have doubts about the relationship with my girlfriend. I am scared, I am not capable giving her what is needed to take it to the next level, which meant marriage and kids. And I don’t feel capable committing to the other women either. Which brings me back to none. 

And maybe none is the solution. Maybe this is the point in time when I should end both these relationships and start meeting other women. 

Maybe they help me understand who I am. Time will tell…