This morning, I spent an hour in bed. I scrolled animal videos, comedy shorts, makeup clips, and on.
Later, in my journaling session, I asked myself, what kind of person do I want to be?
I responded, "I want to be a reader! A creator! A do-er!". I condemned the unvirtuous: "I don't want to be a consumer! A stay-in-bedder! A nobody!".
But the reality is, I've been a consumer many days in my 31 years of life. Contrary to my prejudices, it's not inherently wrong. It's not irresponsible, immoral, or disgusting. Laying on your bed, in pjs, swiping your phone — It might look ugly, but nobody cares, and it's not hurting anyone, including yourself.
I guess I disrespected life. A self-help person would say this is blasphemous, but how can something that naturally entered my mind be unique to me? I've disrespected three, four hours. I've disrespected the rest of a day. I've wished for the day to end, even when it was 10 a.m., many times, probably more than a hundred. Were these wishes rooted in a lack of courage, diligence, or positivity? A lack of drive or mentorship? Depression rooted in my childhood? Maybe. Either way, I experienced it enough to know that when you waste time, there are no consequences. The world lets you be.
Time passes, and that makes me think occasionally. I've been 29, then 30, and now 31 years old. I could shape my day using fear or hope of the future. "My god, I'm close to 35 which is old. What will I have done by then?" Or, I could use the carrot. "What could I do in three years? What could I have experienced?"
But only considering future consequences has lead me down bad paths. Since I was a child, I've sacrificed a lot for the future. I didn't spend money. I stuck myself to a chair for eight hours at a time studying. Those hours weren't all worth the future benefit.
I think I should live for the enjoyment of the present. Sadly, bad things aren't actually that enjoyable. The other night, I was watching television on the couch. In the back of my mind, I noticed that my neck hurt, my head hurt, and I was tired. Yet, my body didn't move one inch to readjust. The tricky thing is, bad things feel great for the first thirty seconds, and then drop down to 6/10 and 3/10 and -1/10 for the rest (ie eating junk food, watching tv on the couch).
Good things feel terrible for the first thirty seconds, and then can stay steady at 8/10 (ie reading), or even reach 10/10, fall, and rise back up (ie running or working on something hard). Again, sadly, good quality things, overall, feel better.
Will I live my life based on this cost-benefit analysis? No. I'm not going to act like I'm some robot that chooses actions based on a calculation.
Instead, I want myself to consider one thing: "Is this really what I want to do?". I want to ask that, and then I want to listen to my answer. My day boils down to Shakespear's question: "To be, or not to be?"
There's no objective good, or objective bad, and no one's watching.
Do I want to do it, or not?