I never quite understood why some people did what they did, especially when it comes to relationships. But even in my bewilderment, I was not questioning the establishment. It was just so but I accepted it warily. 

The bewilderment became soon rebellion, and with time, came tumultuous experiences that made me realise that the love disruptor I think I was, in fact, was a love warrior. 

I often wondered: Why is it so? When, in fact, why was not relevant question here. What mattered, I realised, was the how: How do you love? 

While reading Paul Preciado’s an Apartment on Uranus this week, I stumbled upon a very sensible passage that strongly resonated in me.  

And suddenly, everything became clear in my head. I found the reasons why I don’t want to date you. In fact, I understood why I don’t want to date anyone.

Love is a fluid term and the feeling of love we know today used to be different. In fact, love used to be completely detached from those individualised passions and followed a strict normative imperative to maintain social order: It was a feeling tied to the social obligation of marriage.

Yes, I can already hear you say, we gays can marry too now. But it is not our social raison d’être.

That paradigm shifted.

Standards and values broke down.

So, dating you today, would mean that, for it to work, the esteem towards our own personal standards, values, visions, morals should be solid. We cannot rely on instable norms to determine the purpose of our relationships anymore.  

Why does it matter? When I met you, I saw a person entangled in a complicated emotional maze. When talking about your partner of ten years, only bitterness and resentment sparked your words. You had given up on your couple but you couldn’t let go of it. You chose to poach in acid rancour. 

I felt it. It made me very uncomfortable. After that evening together, you wanted to keep contact. But I said no and you took my rejection like a slap in the face. You were confused because you weren’t used to free kindness. You expected kindest to be a sign of interest in you. And I know how much it warm you to have such consideration. 

Yet, the hit was bitter, and I did not feel compelled to stand by your expectations. 

Somehow, only by looking into your eyes, I already knew how it would end. I could see you blaming me for your world falling apart, just like you did with your partner. Any kind of relationships with you was predictable. Every scenarios possible at this time, lead to blatant fails. 

I remember how frustrated you were with you boyfriend and the look of exasperation of not being able to act on it. Words full of bitterness and shy attempts to cover it. I recall when, mid-dinner, you asked me, embarrassed, to be quiet when he called you.

I was perplexed. Back was my bewilderment and lack of understanding: “Why is he staying with him ?”

Preciado went through such questions when going through his break up in 2015, wondering why someone would stay wit another and conceal every desire of freedom away. 

You chose love as dead drive.