Cliona Chee
'oh, look, we're now out of the narrative!' the rabbit said.
'I have a question for you since I saw you. Why are you pretending to be a rabbit as a dragon all along?' the old Soul seems puzzled.
/// a moment of silence in the space beyond the void ///
you woke up on the big wet rock
lost in the middle of a river
with the water flowing by your side.
you tried shaking an ant off a handkerchief in your pocket...
you waved your hand and made circles in the air vigorously
and the ant grasped so tightly to the handkerchief.
you put it by your side with a tip touching a leaf
and the ant slowly crawled towards the leaf.
you had these thoughts that were like ants.
anyone would be around
when the podium is rising.
but everyone around you at that time left
when they found out that
all you love to do
was just free falling
or they just had to leave
regardless of
whether you free fall or not.
who's here when all that you could do was free falling?
nobody could answer
yet.
Free falling from the Castle of the Sky.
Free falling into the dark bottomless pit.
Free falling deep under the ocean of Bermuda Triangle.
And falling, and falling, and falling.
Until eons and eons had passed.
Still falling, and falling, and falling.
one day,
you thought that
you saw
❤️ the calling of life ❤️ ,
so you took out the magical heart
to power the castle and cook anything
like Howl.
- The heart became Calcifer -
YES, CALCIFER!
It could burn anything, light up anything around.
It became something nobody could ever control.
But, it also became something Howl could never recognise anymore.
you looked at how Howl
received praises,
accepted requests of help,
and collected all the shiny things in life
from all directions.
It seemed so strong and powerful that
Calcifer made Howl the toughest wizard of all.
you watched and agreed to Howl that
the heart was a heavy organ to carry along,
unless...
just unless there's an 'unless'.
That was in Howl's story.
So, how about yours, you asked yourself again?
Oh, you became one of the real-life Howls.
It probably would be
the 'Thing'
that does not matter the most.
As you're striving for
a contribution in the field
because you believe in something else...
something the inspiring voices once said.
something to keep the balance between ourselves and everything else.
something about making contribution to the world
all before a certain time, or date, or whatever
that are all the illusions we created.
you knew very well that
they didn't mean it those ways on the surface level.
but, you couldn't risk yourself
as the category
who 'didn't make it'.
or,
that's what you thought
before being showered with glass shards and washed up on a rock.
there are only decades left to live,
but there are centuries left to stay alive.
before eons and eons would pass again,
you ask yourself truly this time,
why would the heavy heart
even contradict to all
that you've ever wanted for
the balance
among nature, tech, and the beings?
You had no answers to that.
Do you?
You believed in facts so much that you searched it up for real
Statistics really showed you that
The contributions of those after a certain age would decline.
You didn't care about research gaps, flawed methods or not-enough-data,
You just told yourself something,
'oh no...'
'Only 6 years left, or what?'
so many things were there to tell you that
it's okay to fall behind sometimes
or falling behind is just a mental distortion.
yet...
you're just a human being alive
in the space full of illusions bringing up
both pros and cons
with things that you enjoy
and the things that hurt you
at the same time.
They counted days.
you counted Hertz, lightyears and beyond.
They enjoyed superficial & stressful date nights.
you loved creating & reading all alone in the middle of the nights.
They asked you 'what if you wouldn't make it at all'
and you just shrugged as if you already did it all the time.
there's no right and/or wrong...
just a matter of
CHOICE?
just a matter of
SUITABILITY?
Some who counted days were the ones who built the trains.
Some who enjoyed dating were the ones who hugged children.
Some who doubted the others needed hugs and healing.
you hoped they accept the differences
and love you as you are
when you love them as they are.
you hoped.
You didn't understand why,
Your plan B, C, D, E, F, G, etc
were never to diverge from the goals
yet they went nearer to the things that were
so risky,
so controversial,
so insane.
if we pulled out
anyone from the street
and ask them what they think of the things you love,
you knew damn well that
they were saying something that meant
your probability was near-to-zero,
so you continued knowing & seeing the ones
who'd see all sides like you
with you
instead of one side.
there,
you laid on unfamiliar
big rock
out of all the boxes
unintentionally
'fitting out'.
what else could anybody say
to such a poor soul
who was
trying to be something
while the soul was
nothing at all?
you had this mental distortion
thinking that
you're trying to be something,
but you're nothing at all.
nothing at all...
NOTHING at all...
your tears dropped on the rock.
the tears mixed with the water on the rock.
the heart is cleansed
to let you feel calm again.
it became a little song in your mind,
so you sang it out loud
♬ 'you tryna be something~
but you're nothing at all~~
NOTHING AT A~A~ALLL~~~'
'haha!'
you burst into laughter
because the song was so silly!
Other poems here.
Free falling from the Castle of the Sky.
Free falling into the dark bottomless pit.
Free falling deep under the ocean of Bermuda Triangle.
with love,
૮ℓเσɳα Chee Pui Khei 徐𣳽琪,
creating mental health tech at toplove.tech,
gathering resources at mentalhealthengineering.com public squad
