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So should we meet central and later go to my place?"
In the context of the sender being a friend or partner, quite normal.
In the context I encountered this in, to me, a reason to start overthinking about this culture of instant gratification.
The irony was heightened by the fact that the sender had, in previous messages, established that he found relationships to be a beautiful thing, but wouldn't be opposed to a friendship with benefits either.
What's more, the sentence was followed by: "or are you more the non-commital type?"
As if agreeing to the suggestion was not, in fact, a commitment itself.
A commitment to sleeping with a stranger.
I'm not a saint, nor a prude. I wouldn't deny having done it in the past, yet upon further reflection, when it occurred, it was never a pre-agreed thing; it was always something that followed naturally out of the encounter itself. Not an agreed-upon meet with the outcome set in writing.
What annoyed me was that in the communication, other outcomes of hitting it off potentially were negated. The only logical consequence for him was either to get freaky in the sheets or never see each other again.
What's wrong with not instantly exploring each other's bodies stripped of the protective layer of clothing?
Why was a simple kiss not an acceptable ending to a great first date?
Or, as I've found more commonly, an awkward hug and goodbye; often while one party is convinced this went great, while the other one is mentally sketching a message to tell them it did not, because ghosting is not cool.
People confuse intimacy with being intimate and then wonder why they feel empty afterwards.
Am I overthinking? Maybe, but none of this is happening in a vacuum. It happens amidst a culture that pushes us to want everything now, to be unable to wait, and unwilling to put up with friction or smaller inconveniences.
And what's getting to know someone other than a frictionful process. Completely in the way if the only goal is the fulfilment of sexual desire as fast as possible, and maybe (although I can't know whether the counterparty had this in mind) as many people as possible.
After all, there are now adult creators whose sole goal is to break the world record for the most people one can sleep with in a day (we really have lost the plot, haven't we).
Once what matters isn't the other but the personal utility derived from the quick sexual thrill, there's no room for other considerations. It's unclear whether this is what he wanted, but it struck me as odd to talk about friendship with benefits in one and about something that sounded more like a One Night Stand in the next sentence.
Isn't friendship a commitment that evolves? You're not just friends after one meeting. At that point, you're probably strangers, and if we buy into Camus' view, we will forever remain.
Compared to starting straight-up with sexting, the above is still tame and safe for work.
My favorite contemporary philosopher, Byung-Chul Han, could well use these anecdotes to underline how everything is turned pornographic, how we killed Eros, and rob encounters of the tension that makes them meaningful to begin with.
Another video essayist picked a more internet-native term for it, naming the phenomenon of constant chase for instant gratification: goonification.
Where is room for anticipation, for tension, for the thrill of turning a stranger into someone you feel intimately connected to, when you constantly race to the endpoint you already defined in your head?
Erotic lives from imagination, from tension, and from the play of not showing it all. That's how Geishas could be highly erotic while fully clothed.
Although I doubt they'd do well on OnlyFans -- interestingly, a friend told me that the highest-earning creators on there haven't shown it all.
This is anecdotal; I have not checked, but if true, it might undermine the thesis that, if that's what people want to get from it, by showing it, you rob yourself of the ability to engage the viewers. The anticipation gone, there's not much left, and the only path is one of chasing greater extremes (see the creator who slept with 1k men or whatever count).
In a way, in this game, the other person is just something to consume. Be that sexually, or otherwise.
This chase for instant gratification isn't limited to online dating; that's just the sphere where it hit me.
Of course, it's always right in front of my eyes. Every day working in crypto. What are many motivated if not by the desire for quick, easy wealth that comes without the need for skill or hard work?
Outside of CT, the pattern extends to small TikTokers quitting their 9-5 in the hopes of making it, because once they do, a pension plan or health insurance will be no problem for them.
Not all have to quit; some just go viral while filming themselves during their 9-to-5, as recently happened here in Germany, with an Aldi Cashier lip-syncing for the camera during her shift. Once you start looking, there's countless people who go viral for.. what exactly?
Not for skill, nor for knowing anything, for saying one thing, one dance, or just for being great at rage bait, because the latter appears to be the newest strategy for making it big.
The algo loves an angry mob in your comments.
The virality is short-lived and usually completely unrelated to a deeper meaning, message or political endeavor. Aesthetics is all.
Maybe this desire to be famous is just the modern equivalent of a legacy.
It's easy to blame influencers and their shallowness, but none of their success would be possible without millions of willing viewers engaging with and commenting on their content.
Taking out one's phone so automated, it's not even consciously registered anymore. Whenever there's a moment without immediate entertainment, it's what we do.
One swipe, an endless stream of short bursts of dopamine to ease the restlessness.
It takes seconds for this entertainment to yield a result. Other forms take more effort and time.
Try reading a classic. Chances are, they won't have you hooked on the first sentence. Maybe not even with the first chapter.
If your poison of choice is the buy button, you live in fantastic times. A new microtrend reigns every week, providing an excuse to buy new stuff to fit in, without the need to figure out whether you actually like that.
With buy now pay later, even getting in debt has become cutesy, and aspirational. No need to save toward an important purchase, you can just finance it and if the debt is too high, it's not your problem anymore but Klarnas.
At the end, your feed is stuffed and your closet overflowing with cheap polyester clothes you've worn once for a video. Yet despite this abundance of some, the same abyss remains.
When everything becomes something to quickly consume, how can we ever hope for a real encounter with the other? How could anything be uniquely precious?
The tyranny of wanting everything now consumes and spits out empty shells, bereft of a solid core, forced to follow what's presented as desirable.
Giving in to the dopamine economy comes at a cost. It numbs us.
It conditions you, it resets your threshold so that you become unable to perceive the small joys.
It forces you to capture everything, make everything content, because you don't have other ways of judging its validity anymore.
Often, the best moments are those that resist capture. The landscapes that unfold in front of your eyes whose sense of wonder doesn't translate easily into a snapshot, not even when slapping filters on it. The flow of an effortless conversation. The sound of a small stream flowing through the mountains.
Being chronically online is not a virtue, your brainrot not a badge of honor.
Believing people, things, art, that doesn't entertain you or instantly reveal itself to be boring, arrogance.
Thanks for reading 💚
Cover img: "The closest to heaven" by ivettttve.
