"I had seen how your face changed, how it became all disheveled when you said you were very lonely. There was something in that statement that was not foreign to me, something that touched my heart."
— My childhood / Maxim Gorky
Loneliness is both feared and desired. While some people are deeply afraid of being alone, others long for solitude. It can be seen as an enemy to be fought against or as a refuge from the chaos and insecurity of the outside world. It fluctuates between dependence and disconnection and is a highly subjective experience. The meanings assigned to loneliness and how it is experienced vary from person to person. It manifests as a complex emotional state, often accompanied by feelings of unease, disconnection, abandonment, and emptiness, and can encompass many challenging emotions.
Loneliness can be so painful and frightening that people often invest a great deal of energy and effort into escaping it. To avoid loneliness, individuals may turn to social and sexual relationships, alcohol or substance use, overeating, or engaging in various activities without genuine enjoyment. Yet, when everything ends, they find themselves back in loneliness. Everything done to eliminate loneliness can actually exacerbate it, making it even more apparent.
While loneliness is often feared and avoided, there are times when people intensely crave solitude. For example, walking alone on a beach on a sunny day, reading a book alone in a cozy room, sipping coffee peacefully on a balcony, or simply being quietly present with someone else can be deeply fulfilling experiences. Despite its negative connotations, loneliness has both positive and negative aspects. English distinguishes these different facets with two terms: "loneliness" and "solitude." Loneliness refers to the negative experience of being alone, whereas solitude highlights the positive aspect of being alone.
Thus, being alone is not synonymous with loneliness. It reflects individual needs and preferences and signifies emotional maturity. A person who embraces being alone may feel free, content, creative, and productive. Conversely, loneliness can lead to actions that lack creativity and productivity, often accompanied by feelings of unease and inner emptiness.
Important to note that loneliness and social isolation are distinct concepts. Loneliness is the subjective feeling of lacking close, meaningful relationships, whereas social isolation is the objective absence of such relationships. Even in the midst of a crowd, individuals can feel profoundly alone if their connections within that crowd are shallow or unsatisfying.
While people need personal space to retreat to and move freely within it, human nature is inherently relational. The lack of intimate and meaningful relationships can lead to feelings of insecurity and loneliness. Additionally, the quality of internal relationships with one's inner world can also affect these feelings. Having meaningful connections with internal objects can turn loneliness into a positive experience, allowing individuals to find peace and tranquility away from external chaos.
Winnicott argues that individuals who experience "good enough" mothering develop the ability to be alone through positive early interactions and the gratification of their needs. This early support helps form a "good enough" internal object, allowing individuals to feel fulfilled and content in solitude, even in the absence of external interactions.
Conversely, those who struggle to be alone often experience internal loneliness, which can be distressing and unsettling. To escape this chaotic emotional state, they may seek comfort from the outside world. However, without deeply connected relationships, this loneliness persists, manifesting as a form of internal loneliness that spills into their external experiences.
Additionally, separations from companions can be particularly unsettling because the individual anticipates returning to their internal loneliness. As Peyami Safa expresses in his novel "We Are Alone": "He was looking for a cheerful station, not on the radio but in his heart." Without a supportive internal object, external comforts are insufficient, and even if they provide temporary relief, the person is likely to face chaos when alone again.
Frieda Fromm-Reichmann emphasizes that loneliness is a universal experience, affecting individuals at all ages. From childhood through adulthood, people continuously seek intimacy and security in their relationships with others.
In conclusion, it's essential to both establish and internalize deep, trusting relationships while also being able to maintain personal freedom within these connections. Balancing meaningful, intimate relationships with a strong internal sense of connection enables us to navigate experiences of both togetherness and solitude. This balance helps us avoid oscillating between disconnection and dependency, fostering emotional development and psychological maturity.
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