Some emotions can be painful and difficult to endure. I prefer to use the term "challenging emotions" rather than "negative emotions" because emotions such as anger, fear, anxiety, and sadness have functional aspects. However, these emotions create significant tension and arousal, leading to psychological stress. We often don't want these emotions in our lives and try to avoid them. Yet, avoidance can paradoxically intensify these emotions. Emotions that we don't want to acknowledge continue to affect our lives in different ways. For example, they might manifest through sudden emotional outbursts, reactivity, or rumination.
Avoidance
These emotions can be very distressing, which is why you might want to get rid of them as quickly as possible, possibly resorting to some avoidance strategies. Examples of these avoidance strategies include:
Sleeping
Overworking
Daydreaming, overthinking, and creating scenarios
Procrastination
Passive-aggressive responses (remaining silent or indifferent; showing feelings by belittling or criticizing the other person)
Using alcohol or substances
Overeating
However, avoiding these emotions and not wanting them in your life does not mean they will disappear; on the contrary, they persistently disturb you. You might experience seemingly senseless emotional changes, while the emotions you avoid push to be recognized. Additionally, what is known as "toxic positivity," constantly thinking positively, seeing life through rose-colored glasses, claiming there is no place for challenging emotions, and always appearing very happy and calm, might also indicate a problem. Since our experiences are very diverse, the emotions we feel are equally rich and varied. Being at one extreme or the other, overly optimistic or pessimistic, can cause issues. Thinking in extremes might be related to the uncertainty of the gray area that cause discomfort. However, by closely examining that uncertainty, you might uncover useful knowledge that provides clarity in some areas of your life.
Emotional Signals
Avoiding emotions means you miss out on their functional aspect of providing signals about certain situations. Some examples of this functional aspect include:
You might feel disappointed due to a friend's dismissive behavior (if you are sure there is truth in it). This uncomfortable experience and feeling might signal that something needs to change in the relationship.
You might feel angry with another friend. Sometimes when we get angry, the need to distance ourselves from that person arises, which actually shows a functional aspect of anger. This anger might signal that it's necessary to take a break and make decisions after calming down.
You might feel very down while studying. This feeling might be a message that you need a break, a rest, and some time off.
Emotional Management
Managing these challenging emotions helps to alleviate their intensity and reduce their pressure. Managing emotions simply means:
Recognizing and accepting that you are feeling them
Identifying why you feel this way and trying to understand the triggers
Listening to what they communicate, and exploring their meaning
Let's explore this in more detail:
1. Recognize Your Emotion
When talking with a friend or loved one, you might suddenly experience a negative change in your mood or feelings. You may feel hurt, criticized, judged, or angry because of how you perceive the situation. Similarly, you might experience emotional changes while watching a movie or reading a book. A scene from the movie or a sentence from the book might remind you of something, and trigger an emotion. Sometimes, emotions might change even when you are alone and doing nothing. Notice how this change in emotion affects you. What are you feeling?
2. Observe Your Body and Mind
When you notice physical changes (e.g., increased heart rate, muscle tension in certain areas, numbness, a feeling of tightness in the chest, or tears) try to understand what you might be feeling. Are you sad? Anxious? Angry about something? What underlying emotion might be driving this anger? For example, did you feel neglect or rejected because your needs were not met?
Some feelings are harder to identify because they can make us feel vulnerable, so it might be easier to feel anger instead of addressing the core emotion. Observing your body and mind when you experience challenging emotions makes it easier to recognize similar emotions in the future.
What is happening in your body?
What physical reactions or changes are occurring in your body?
What thoughts are passing through your mind?
What specific thoughts are running through your mind? Are you having particular worries, doubts, or self-judgments that you can identify?
Sometimes, our minds generate thoughts so quickly that we might not catch them, making it difficult to understand the emotion. For instance, while talking with a friend, if his sharing makes him appear more knowledgeable, a quick thought like "He is so knowledgeable, I'm not like that" might pass through your mind. If you don't catch this thought, you might just notice a change in your mood and feel bad. Identifying this feeling might reveal a sense of inadequacy. Recognizing these thoughts and emotions can help you manage the uncertainty and emotions you experience.
3. Embrace the Emotions
Once you have recognized and observed your emotions, the challenging part is to embrace them rather than avoid them. This requires courage and the acceptance of your vulnerability. These emotions show that we are not always strong and independent; we have some deficiencies and wounds, and we can be vulnerable and fragile. Accepting our vulnerability and enduring challenging emotions opens the way to show compassion to ourselves and others.
When these emotions are not embraced, they might be projected onto others. For example, if you don’t acknowledge your feelings of inadequacy, you might unconsciously project these feelings onto others. This is a form of communication: "Look! I feel this way, and it’s very hard to bear, so you take some of it" (though this is often unconscious and not deliberate).
When you don’t create space for feelings like envy or jealousy, you might feel as though others are envying or resenting you. If you don't acknowledge your anger, you might unintentionally provoke anger in others. These unacknowledged emotions can manifest through excessive thinking, talking, difficulty sleeping, overeating, or turning to alcohol or substances.
4. Understand the Emotions in the Context of Your Personal History
What might these emotions be telling you about yourself? Do they remind you of anything? Maybe they resemble feelings from other experiences. Could they be triggering unresolved issues or unmet needs from the past?
For example, after an argument with someone close to you, you might try to express yourself but feel ignored or uncared for. This might intensify feelings of worthlessness: "She doesn't care about me, I am nothing to her." By accepting and understanding this feeling, you might recall similar experiences, such as a friend not valuing you or a family member not listening to you. These unresolved past experiences might amplify the intensity of your current emotions. You might overreact to the person or fail to give her space to express herself, or you might end the relationship. Sometimes, a physical gesture or comment from the person might trigger something else in you.
Examples:
Environmental triggers of past experiences: A friend's dismissive comment and brief glance away.
The past experience itself: A parent’s response to your sadness, like “Why are you upset? There’s nothing to be sad about.”
Current thoughts related to the memory: “They don’t love me, they’re bored of me, I must be exaggerating.”
Present emotion: Intense sadness or anger.
When emotions become intense, taking the time to understand them and explore what triggers them can influence how you respond. The emotion you’re feeling doesn’t have to belong solely to the present moment, and it might not be entirely yours. We can transfer emotions to each other. Therefore, reacting to every criticism directed at you might put you in a difficult situation. Taking time to think and filtering out the criticism can be beneficial.
Questions to Ask Yourself When Emotions Intensify:
Is this emotion meaningful in the context of what is happening now?
Is this emotion too intense for the current situation?
Does the level of this emotion seem unclear or excessive?
What thoughts are accompanying this emotion?
Are there past feelings, sensations, or memories influencing your current emotional state?
Do you frequently experience this emotion?
What might this emotion be telling you?
What could this emotion be revealing about your current state or your needs?
To manage emotions, it's crucial to recognize them, identify their triggers, and understand them. This approach can also positively affect your relationship with yourself as well as others.
