Relationality
Human beings are inherently relational. From the moment we are born, we seek emotional connections and feel the need to maintain these bonds once established. We form relationships with others and develop attachment towards them. We define ourselves through our interactions with others and discover ourselves within the context of these relationships.
Connecting with others is not merely a tool for meeting our needs and achieving satisfaction; it is our reality. We desire contact, interaction, and emotional attachment. During the pandemic, we realized just how crucial it is to be around others and experience that closeness. As we distanced ourselves from others, we began to feel loneliness and understood that, despite conflicts and disagreements, we wanted to feel their presence more closely. The need for human contact and proximity is undeniable.
One reason for the denial of relationality and the need for others may be a desire to avoid the difficulties that relationships can bring. However, it is important to recognize that challenging emotional experiences, conflicts, and impasses within relationships have the potential to foster personal and relational growth. Nonetheless, relationships can be difficult to navigate. Establishing and maintaining relationships while balancing our own subjectivity with that of the other person can be particularly challenging.
The Meeting of Different Minds
In a relational context, two people, two minds come together. Given that each has its own subjectivity, conflicts are inevitably experienced. By subjectivity, I mean that each of us has a distinct mind with unique characteristics, temperament, past experiences. Our conditions in which we were born and raised, our beliefs and values, ways of perceiving, interpreting, and responding are different. Our vulnerabilities, desires, anxieties, and fears also vary. Because of these differences, conflicts and disagreements are a natural part of interacting with others.
Conflicts and Disagreements
When observing yourself and your relationships, you might notice that you tend to form relationships with people who share similar thoughts, feelings, intentions, and perspectives as yours. The desire for similarity is common in human relationships, but this similarity inevitably gets disrupted. Some of us may find it challenging to tolerate the resulting conflict and may perceive intellectual, emotional, or behavioral differences as a threat. However, these differences are the unavoidable part of human relationships.
Consider your own relationships. You may have friends with whom you thought you had a great understanding, sharing the same interests, ideas, and viewpoints. When things were going well, a single statement from one of you might have disrupted this harmony, leading to a sense of discomfort due to the difference. Dealing with such mismatches (depending on what the mismatch entails) can be challenging.
Relationality is the interaction between two separate minds that inevitably influence each other. When you hear something from one person, it resonates within your inner world, triggering specific feelings and thoughts. Similarly, what you say or do can provoke a comparable response in the other person. This creates a feedback loop between you and the other person, characterized by continuous interaction and response. While disruptions caused by mismatches are inevitable, repair can follow. This cycle of disruption and repair repeats itself, creating an ongoing pattern of interaction.
Recognition
When we recognize that others have minds that think, perceive, and interpret differently from our own, and that they possess distinct internal and emotional worlds, we begin to understand their subjectivity. This means we acknowledge the other person as a separate yet equal center of initiative and awareness, while still finding ourselves in a position where emotions and intentions can be shared. Consequently, we start to consider how our words and actions might affect them.
We ask ourselves questions like:
If I say this, how will it make them feel?
What might they think about what I’m saying?
Could my words have a negative impact on them?
Are they in a place to hear what I have to say?
It's important to make space for the other person's subjectivity without excluding our own. Just as our words and actions have an impact on others, their words and actions affect us in return.
Consider questions like:
What might be the reason behind what they said to me?
How did their words make me feel?
Did I feel anger or hurt?
Did I feel my boundaries were violated?
Did I feel criticized or judged?
Even if they were sincere, could their way of speaking have been hurtful?
In the context of a relationship between two people, recognition is a fundamental building block and a primary way of connecting, whether consciously or unconsciously. Psychoanalyst Jessica Benjamin compares it to breathing: just as we might not notice our breathing until the oxygen becomes scarce, in relationships, we might not recognize the need for acknowledgment until a problem arises. At that point, we either start looking for a solution or risk losing our inner balance. Psychologically, the way out of this situation is often through change.
Difficulties in Mutual Communication and Sharing
Discussing issues or problems can be challenging. Some people might experience difficulties and feel their effects but avoid addressing them, hoping the other person will notice or alter their behavior. This hesitation often stems from fears of not being heard, encountering defensiveness, or facing blame.
However, avoiding conflict not only heightens internal tension but can also erode the closeness and relational dynamics with others. When the fundamental recognition of each person collapses, it risks reducing the relationship to an impasse where one might be perceived as insensitive, harmful, or even threatening to the other’s subjective identity.
Why Do We Struggle with Mutual Understanding?
Why do we find it difficult to engage in communication that fosters mutual understanding, empathy, and compassion? Do we immediately become defensive or see ourselves as victims? Problems arise when we fail to recognize the other person’s subjectivity and remain trapped in our own perspective.
Some problems:
Inability to consider what the other person might be feeling.
Failure to recognize if our words or actions have negatively impacted them.
Difficulty in understanding their genuine hurt or distress.
Not taking responsibility for the effects of our actions or words.
Consider a situation where two people are arguing at home. Instead of viewing one person as right and the other as wrong, it’s important to recognize that both can have valid perspectives. Statements like, “You did this, so I did that,” often escalate the conflict. Instead of focusing on this cause-and-effect dynamic, try to foster mutual understanding.
Allow the other person to express themselves and listen to what they have to say. If something resonates differently than expected, discuss it (e.g., “I couldn’t get the tasks done that day, and you felt overlooked, my mind was very scattered”). Also, share your own feelings (e.g., “Sometimes when you talk about tasks, it feels like you’re giving me orders, which affects me”). In this example, neither party is entirely right or wrong; instead, both individuals are aware of how their behavior impacts each other.
Sensitivity and Awareness
Recognizing subjectivity requires sensitivity to another person's mind, trying to understand their experiences in their own world, and being willing to engage in a dialogue based on understanding and compassion.
Messages conveyed through this recognition include:
I feel seen, heard, and understood. I must be important.
I see you, hear you, and understand you. You are important to me.
My actions have an impact on you, and I am curious about that impact.
Being aware of what others are doing, how they make us feel, our reactions, others' reactions to our actions, and how we affect them is crucial for relationships. This awareness helps us move beyond limiting categories like right-wrong, guilty-victim, helper-needy, and fosters healthier interactions.
However, even if we are mindful of our communication, language, and expression, the other person might still struggle to respond in a similar manner. If these issues recur frequently, it can be beneficial to discuss them with the person and reassess the relationship if no improvement occurs.
Dilek
