Hi everybody.

It is okay to say no. A lot of us often feel pressured to please others, even if it means hurting ourselves. We are caught in this toxic pattern where we sacrifice so much for someone else’s happiness and then in some situations, you end up spending more money than you have, lying or even getting in trouble. Saying no can feel like you are hurting people’s feelings and it is okay. 

There is a serious lack of confidence issue with GenZ. Of course, social media is full of confident people, but most people are drowning in self-doubt. I can bet you that there is a direct link between this lack of confidence/self-esteem and being a people pleaser. 

People with low self-esteem have this fear of being rejected. They think that saying no would make others hate or abandon them. So they convince themselves saying, “it won’t kill me to do this”, “it’s not a big deal” and agree to do things they don’t want to do. Later on, they’ll have flashbacks and be full of regret. The worst part is, that feeling regret does not stop them from saying yes again. Why is that?  Because people-pleasing is rooted in low self-esteem. Low self-esteem equals deep insecurities, which equals the fear of disappointing others, the fear of conflict, and the fear of being seen as selfish.  Unfortunately, when people-pleasing becomes a habit it is extremely hard to break.

The first step to leaving the people-pleasing habit is loving yourself and recognizing your self-worth. Do you love yourself? Do you respect yourself enough to say no?

Although I’m a Muslim, I listen to Pastor Femi Lazarus and he said something that resonated with me on this topic: “If you were to die today and someone urgently needed your help, they would mourn your loss but eventually find someone else to fill your role”. This POV just shows how temporary we are in people’s lives and the importance of prioritizing our well-being.

Building confidence and self-esteem is very important if you want to break away from your people-pleasing habit. Some find confidence through self-love, reading books on self-esteem and many through acting confident (it is very okay to fake it till you make it).

People need to learn to let go. Holding on to a bad situation is usually worse than facing the pain and discomfort that come with change.

I remember living in a hostel with absolutely no water. I was literally  bathing and cooking with sachet water! My sister couldn't take it anymore and suggested we move. I was stubborn, thinking the stress wasn't worth it. Thankfully, she pushed me to find a new place, and honestly it was the best decision I made regarding hostel matters Imagine if I had convince her to stay, we’d still be dealing with the water problem.

The point is, sometimes, you need to cut ties with people who make you feel miserable, people who bring you down or make you feel like you are bending over backwards for them. And yes, it is okay to do so. You might even be holding yourself back without realizing it. Don’t be scared to leave that toxic situation. You’ll feel the pain for a month or two, but look at the bright side-you don’t have to feel miserable anymore.

A lot of people think they have friends, but really, they're surrounded by users and opportunists. To start saying no, you need to figure out who's actually worth your time. It's okay to go the extra mile for the right people, but don't let anyone take advantage of you.

Of course, there is an exception to every rule. It is absolutely fine to please your parents. They have sacrificed a lot and they deserve it. Just try to find a balance between pleasing them and taking care of yourself.

I feel like everyone has been there-that stage where you are busy bending over backwards for someone and the said person just straight up embarrasses you (premium shege). This stage is usually where many people-pleasers wake up and move on, but it doesn’t have to be this bad. You need to talk to yourself and say, “ I can’t keep doing this, [your name]. If people don’t like me, that’s their problem”.

1. Be around people that boost your confidence. People that would hype you up and make you feel good about yourself.

Being around people who drain your self-esteem is horrible. You start doubting yourself, changing your style to fit theirs, changing who you are. Why? Because, you are seeing yourself through their eyes, through their perception of you. Now, imagine trying to say no to someone who controls how you see yourself, that is close to impossible.

1. Label the people around you. Everyone should have a title or description- colleague, classmate, stranger, potential friend, not-a-friend, girlfriend, boyfriend, etc. This helps you understand what’s okay and what is not in the relationships.

You’ll quickly spot the red flags. If a coworker is being toxic, just dissociate. Don’t make them more than they are in your life, that is, unimportant. Don’t stress over people that have no impact in your life. Say NO!

1. Write down your feelings. You would be surprised what you discover about yourself. I don’t know if it’s just me, but most times, until I write my experiences in my journal or talk to someone about it, I almost never realise that some things I’ve done and tolerated are things I would not consider doing on a normal day. Many people have no idea that they are people-pleasers.

2. Don’t beat yourself up for saying no. If someone hates you for it, then you were not friends in the first place.

3. Live every moment of your life without regrets. Say no so you won’t regret doing something you don’t want to do. Life is short, don’t waste it by being a people-pleaser.

Breaking away from the people-pleasing habit is hard, especially if you have been doing it for a long time. I know you’re tired of always saying yes, you can do this: start by slowly distancing yourself away from this person or group of people; reduce your communication-go from calling and texting then everyday to thrice a week and then, once a week. The crazy part is that, they might not notice at all. You’ll begin to realize that they don’t care as much as you thought. 

Yes, you will feel bad and embarrassed, but that is fine. You are doing this for YOU. Slowly, but surely, you’ll gain the confidence to say no, make your own decisions, and take control of your own happiness.

Side note: Parents should be the foundation of their children’s self-confidence, not their biggest critics. Unfortunately, many parents love to demean their children with comparisons. We get it, the neighbor’s child doesn not have 2 heads, and my cousin is more talented. Stop making your children feel like losers (I hope a parent reads this, if not, show them). This contant comparison is turning your children into insecure and inferior adults, with their self-esteem in the ground way below six feet.

I don’t have all the answers, but if this is you, you have to build your own confidence. You don’t have to cut your parents off-there has to be a way with minimal consequences. Know yourself, define yourself and find confidence in who you are.

fin.