In the year 2016, I had just graduated and secured an internship job before graduation. After graduating in mid-year, I was able to transition smoothly to full-time employment with a salary that was double what I made during my internship, amounting to a whopping eight thousand. Being a recent graduate with no financial pressures, I spent my monthly earnings on watching movies, buying clothes, dining out, and purchasing electronic products that I liked. I even assembled my first desktop computer, which I had been longing for, with an advanced 1060 graphics card that allowed me to play AAA games with ease. Essentially, I was living paycheck to paycheck.

Before I knew it, the Chinese New Year had arrived, and I received a performance bonus from my boss. As it was my first job, it was also my first time receiving a year-end bonus, and I was ecstatic. With a significant sum of money in my hands, I felt invigorated and thought about the wonderful life that lay ahead of me. Perhaps this was what they mean by love at first sight?

It was during the Spring of 2017 when things began to change. I had planned to visit her, but I received terrible news that her father had passed away. I was at a loss as to what to do. I had never experienced such a situation before and didn't know how to console her. I wondered if I should attend the funeral or go to her side, but I knew that my identity was not suitable. In the end, I did not go. Instead, I knelt in front of my computer and gave her uncle, whom I had never met, a virtual kowtow as a sign of respect.

After that, we started to have less and less contact. Until one day, I finally decided to visit her. I informed her in advance, but she was reluctant and refused to let me come. Eventually, I decided to go and bought the earliest flight on Saturday. As the airport was far away from where I lived, I went there on Friday night and spent the night sleeping on a chair at the airport. I traveled over 1,700 kilometers and flew for more than two hours. After landing, I took a bus to the city center and then a public bus to her school, but she did not answer my calls or messages. I had no other choice but to find her dormitory based on our past conversations. However, her roommate had a grudge against her and told me that she could not find her. I spent the entire afternoon in her school, crying my eyes out. My heart felt broken into pieces, but I was powerless. I still could not reach her by the evening, and I had no place to stay nearby. Eventually, I decided to leave. I took the subway, then the bus, and finally arrived at the airport. I bought a ticket and waited. Tears flowed continuously, and I went to the restroom to wash my face repeatedly, trying to hide my embarrassment from others. When I returned to work, it was already early morning. I took the bus to the city center, which was still more than 20 kilometers away from where I lived, and pedaled a shared bike back home. Even in a first-tier city, the streets were deserted at such a late hour, with only a few street vendors and some shops still open. I pedaled and pedaled without any lights on the non-motorized lanes and even went up a steep bridge. When I arrived at the neighborhood, the security guard was still awake and very dedicated to his work. I finally reached home at around 3 am, took a shower, drank a bottle of beer, and lay in bed without knowing when I fell asleep. I woke up early the next day and could not fall asleep again.

In the following days, I drank to numb myself and remembered the heartbreaking pain whenever I thought of her. Ah, love, I thought to myself. There would be no more feelings of heart palpitations in the future. Being a scumbag is so good that I don't need any more love. Wearing sunglasses, no one would ever love me. Ha ha.

May everyone be able to spend their lives with their beloved ones.