Oh, fantastic. Another short-sighted, corporate-driven, ecologically disastrous executive order wrapped in a warm, fuzzy blanket of economic nationalism and energy dominance rhetoric. This isn’t about making America great, or even about making Alaska great—it’s about selling off Alaska’s natural resources to the highest bidder while pretending it’s some noble act of patriotism.

Let’s start with the obvious dishonesty of the whole thing. The order makes it sound like Alaska is some poor, oppressed landmass, desperately shackled by environmental protections and bureaucratic red tape, when in reality, Alaska has been one of the most exploited and resource-extractive states in the entire country for decades. The idea that it’s been “under attack” by the federal government is laughable—especially when so much of the environmental regulation that exists is there to stop catastrophic long-term damage to one of the last truly untouched wildernesses in the world. But sure, let’s gut all of that because some fossil fuel executives need another private jet.

And then there’s the breathtaking shortsightedness of prioritizing oil and gas extraction in 2025, as if the entire planet isn’t screaming at us that we need to transition to renewable energy. Climate change is wreaking havoc, global markets are shifting toward sustainability, and here we are, doubling down on dirty energy like it’s still 1950. The whole world is investing in green technology, and what’s the big idea here? Drill, baby, drill. Absolute genius.

Let’s also talk about the sheer level of environmental destruction this order encourages. It strips away protections, fast-tracks high-risk projects, and prioritizes industry profits over everything else—ecosystems, Indigenous rights, future generations, all of it. The Arctic National Wildlife Refuge? Open season for oil rigs. Public lands? Time to pave over them for mining operations. The Trans-Alaska Pipeline? We’re keeping that zombie alive as long as possible, even if it means poisoning local water supplies and trampling over Indigenous communities. The total disregard for environmental responsibility is staggering, but hey, anything for a quick political win and a few campaign donations from ExxonMobil, right?

Oh, but wait! This isn’t just about drilling and mining—it’s also about gutting regulations across the board. This executive order practically begs every federal agency to throw away years of environmental impact studies, ignore legal safeguards, and give polluters a blank check to do whatever the hell they want. It literally tells agencies to "rescind, revoke, revise, amend, defer, or grant exemptions" for any policy that gets in the way of this pillaging spree. So basically: If there’s a rule stopping a company from bulldozing a national park to build an oil refinery, get rid of it!

And then there’s the blatant corporate welfare baked into this order. It’s not about “unleashing Alaska’s potential” for Alaskans—it’s about handing over public resources to corporations who will extract, export, and cash out. The average Alaskan isn’t going to see a dime of the profits from this. This is about lining the pockets of CEOs and energy lobbyists, not “economic prosperity.”

Let’s also take a moment to appreciate the utter hypocrisy here. This order whines about “Alaska’s sovereignty” being under attack by the federal government—but then immediately directs federal agencies to override decisions that have already been made to protect the land. So which is it? Do you want federal intervention or not? Or do you just want the kind of federal intervention that benefits oil and gas executives while ignoring environmental science and Indigenous land rights?

And finally, let’s talk about the delusional fantasy of “energy dominance.” This order acts like the U.S. can somehow drill its way to energy security while ignoring global economic realities. Oil prices aren’t controlled by how much we drill in Alaska; they’re determined by global markets. No matter how many oil fields you bulldoze, you’re not magically fixing gas prices—but you are guaranteeing that the next generation has to deal with more environmental disasters, more habitat destruction, and more poisoned communities.

At the end of the day, this executive order is nothing but a desperate attempt to cling to a dying industry while throwing every environmental safeguard, Indigenous right, and scientific reality out the window. It is reckless, short-sighted, and transparently corrupt. It sacrifices the long-term health of Alaska’s ecosystems and economy for the short-term profits of a handful of corporate interests.

If you wanted an executive order that screams "I care more about oil companies than future generations," this is it.