Oh, what a glorious monument to short-term thinking, corporate greed, and a profound misunderstanding of basic economics, energy markets, and planetary survival. This executive order is not just stupid—it’s catastrophically stupid, a fever dream of deregulation, pollution, and environmental destruction wrapped in the hollow rhetoric of “energy dominance”. It reads like something written by oil lobbyists on the back of a gas station napkin.

Let’s start with the false premise baked into every line of this nonsense. The order claims that America has been shackled by “burdensome and ideologically motivated regulations,” which is just code for “we hate environmental protections and want to hand the energy sector over to oil executives.” The idea that the richest, most energy-abundant country on Earth is being “oppressed” by regulations is laughable. The U.S. is already a top energy producer—what this order actually wants is fewer safeguards against pollution, fewer protections for consumers, and fewer barriers to the wholesale destruction of public lands.

And let’s talk about the absurd obsession with fossil fuels. This order clings to coal, oil, and gas like a dinosaur gripping the last tree before the asteroid hits. The world is moving on. Renewable energy is cheaper, more sustainable, and economically viable, but this administration is hellbent on turning the clock back to 1950 when gas was 10 cents a gallon, and no one cared if a factory dumped toxic sludge into a river.

Oh, but don’t worry—this isn’t just about drilling everything in sight. This order also takes a bizarre, unnecessary swipe at electric vehicles (EVs), claiming that promoting cleaner cars is somehow anti-American. Because, apparently, giving people more choices in the market is tyranny, but forcing the country to stay dependent on fossil fuels is freedom? The logic here is beyond idiotic—EVs are gaining market share because they’re better technology, not because of some evil government mandate. But sure, let’s sabotage an entire industry so that oil companies can keep raking in profits.

And then there’s the deeply embarrassing pandering about household appliances. Gas stoves? Dishwashers? Lightbulbs? Oh yes, because the most pressing energy issue of our time is whether people can buy an outdated, inefficient water heater. This is pure culture war nonsense, designed to rile up people who think “energy policy” means “owning the libs” by refusing to buy LED bulbs.

But let’s move on to the most dangerous part of this entire mess: the blatant gutting of environmental protections. This order doesn’t just roll back one or two regulations—it calls for a scorched-earth campaign against any rule that dares to prioritize clean air, clean water, or climate responsibility. NEPA? Gutted. Climate risk assessments? Scrapped. Any consideration of long-term environmental damage? Deleted. This is a full-frontal assault on scientific decision-making, replacing it with short-term profit-driven idiocy.

And of course, buried deep in this garbage heap is the real goal: a massive giveaway to fossil fuel companies. This order fast-tracks drilling on public lands, expands offshore oil leasing, and eliminates safeguards against resource exploitation. Because apparently, what America really needs is more oil rigs in national parks and more fracking next to drinking water supplies.

Oh, and just in case there was any doubt about how this order actively undermines American leadership, it also kills multiple executive orders designed to address climate change. Because, you know, why participate in the global economy of the future when you can kneecap innovation and double down on energy policies that make America a laughingstock?

At the end of the day, this order is a climate disaster, a corrupt giveaway to fossil fuel companies, and a deliberate act of sabotage against America’s long-term energy security. It prioritizes dirty fuels, pollution, and corporate profits over economic growth, innovation, and sustainability. It is reckless. It is destructive. And it will age like milk in the sun.