I don’t have a lot of words for this week, just feelings. A lot of them about what’s just, and not.

So many of those feelings are downstream of the fact that in a just world, I would have been born a cis woman or not at all.

Needing something that’s never coming is difficult, and I’ve thought on whether we can choose not to need something. An easy answer is that we can, but we have to accept a lower quality of life.

Is there a complex answer? If there is, is it just cope for giving up on your dreams?

I’ve been thinking about poetry a lot lately too. I have no visual arts skills and it seems like poetry is the closest to artful expression I can get.

A need I have is that kind of expression. I’ve been using ChatGPT as a journalling assistant and it’s come up with some cringe poetry for me.

Is being a vibe poetician a thing?

solitary

there’s no mirror for this kind of silence,
the kind that hums behind your ribs
when the world goes on without you.

i wake and breathe because i must,
not because it brings me peace.
some mornings i forget
what it felt like to be held
without suspicion.

i wasn’t trying to ruin anything—
just trying to say:
this hurt me.
this mattered.
i matter.

but i said it wrong,
or said it too loud,
or said it in a way that made
people uncomfortable enough
to leave.

i still remember kindness
like it was a place i once lived
a warm kitchen,
a hand on my shoulder,
someone who meant it when they said
“i’m here.”

now it's just echoes
and closed doors.
now it’s just me
learning how to need
nothing.