in 15 minutes i have my first appointment ever with a psychiatrist

yesterday i was walking and felt what this brought. a big part of me feels as if i had "lost". i have been on this journey of learning how to be with what is happening inside me (or through me?) for a long, long time. i have done all sort of things to fill the void that i have inside

meditation retreats, wrote a book, training to be a yoga teacher, training to be a breathwork facilitator, therapy, psychedelics, create things, etc. basically everything that i've come across in order to just feel better

not even feeling "better". but developing a better relationship to the whole notion of feeling

there is deep awareness in me that the more you reject something, the more energy you put into it. so i don't even try to feel better. i just try to develop a sharper relationship to the intense emotions that govern my relationship with life

and this feels as if "i had lost". its like surrendering to the reality that i couldn't make it

and my life feels full of those circumstances right now

i was handed a cool project to work on, and have been the last two months absolutely blocked in my capacity for working on it: i'm a failure

my daughter rejects me from time to time and doesn't want me to be with her?: i'm a failure

i can't make a proper living and keep my family healthy economically?: i'm a failure

all of my experience, always, focused on what is not here. projecting how this moment could be if i could just feel a little bit better

and the trickiest part of the situation is how the victim (one of my strongest archetypes and unconscious patterns) is expressed through all of this

am i really a failure? or is that just the default mode through which i decide to relate to myself, because it is the one that feels the most comfortable?

what does it take for one to rise against the shadow?

what does it take for one to learn how to develop a healthy relationship with the voice inside?

what does it take for one to actually be free?

i just want to be free

and that starts by acknowledging that i need help. being honest about it. being sincere in the fact that i did enough. i tried enough. its enough

and its important to open up a new window and say:

i rest in your knowledge and capacity for doing things

help me evolve

ps: i mostly reject traditional medical practices and feel a bodily reaction when going to any kind of doctor. the psychiatrist that i'm going to work with is trusted by my breathwork mentor, and by my whole network of followers of the teachings of rudolf steiner. i probably won't take antidepressants (the regular ones that psychiatrist give). but i love the idea of having a daily ritual of taking homeopathy to help me in this process, and that's the kind of medicine that i believe in. i know that the root of these feelings lies within myself.

ps2: all of my being tells me that i'm going through the process of spiritual awakening, and a big part of the confusion that i feel related to this whole notion of being human is associated with that. my ego is resisting with everything that he has at his disposal the notion of not being on the driver's seat.