"I'll sell you an Hbar yoyo for one Bitcoin."

Perhaps, like me, you believe all crypto conferences end with questionable networking, something approaching irritable bowel syndrome from too much rusty coffee, and a year's supply of pens. But no, the asymmetrical upside of attending crypto conferences goes far beyond filling the stationery cupboard: the secondary serendipitous effect is the onboarding of a new generation.

...Say what?

Stick with me. It'll make sense at the end.

CUT TO:

INT. PARIS / THE LOUVRE - DAY

I spent the last five days at Paris Blockchain Week, hired to moderate panels on sustainability, transparency, traceability and corruption resistance aid pipelines. You know, the importance stuff. How blockchain technology can be used to save lives, things like that. Anyway, 17 people (out of 80,000) turned up. WAGMI. Feeling dejected by the apparent number of shits given about humanitarian aid and using the blockchain to hold carbon credit criminals accountable, I went in search of free socks. And boy, did I hit the jack pot. Notebooks, yoyos, stickers, sweets, bracelets, hats, t-shirts and water bottles, it was like I stumbled on a whole fucking cargo ship of cheap tat that had been escorted down the Suez Canal so a bunch of lunatics could sell more bad ideas.

"Great, Mark," I hear you say. "Bit cynical... Not sure Paris are going to invite you back... and... how can I use a bunch of free crap to onboard the next billion into web3?"

I'll tell you how. But first, we need to speak about retail investment...

What is Retail Investment?

Retail investment turns your reckless investment decisions into liquid gold. When that fresh money splashes into the market on a tidal wave of FOMO and desperation, your trades 10x. You then waltz out at the top of the bull market to a life of financial security and long-island iced teas on some tranquil, Caribbean beach, leaving all late comers holding empty bags and wondering what the hell just happened to their generational wealth.

"Those who have virtue always in their mouths, and neglect it in practice, are like a harp, which emits a sound pleasing to others, while itself is insensible of the music."

- Diogenes of Sinope

"Why does this happen Mark? And again, what does it have to do with crypto swag and onboarding the next billion?"

You'll find the answer at the intersection of retail investment and the human condition. To demonstrate, let me take you back to this morning in the Fielding house. It's 6:31 and my children Alice and Luca are playing 'shop'.

CUT TO:

INT. MY HOUSE / OFFICE - 6:31 AM

Instead of selling their usual payload of cars, books and Lego vegetables to each other, they're selling my crypto swag from Paris. Instead of Euros, they're using Bitcoin. (They call altcoins 'crypto sweets', which I think is entirely accurate and cute.)

I'd explained that Bitcoin was more a store of value than exchange, but they had meme coins flashing in their eyes and didn't give two half damns for my pompe and ceremony.

They create an (over the) counter out of my desk.

Alice is the money maker.

Mirroring a real bull market, the price of a pen in their game of 'shop' escalates from one to nine hundred Bitcoin in the time it takes to program a smart contract and launch a fucking meme coin called 'Killing Me Softly with Airdrop Tasks'.

They trade back and forth for a while, each borrowing more and more capital (from me) to keep their stakes in the increasingly high risk game of 'shop'.

And then Luca, playing the part of the retail investor, meets Alice at the top of the bull cycle.

She sees him coming.

As wiser, older sisters tend to do.

She's already lived through three bear markets and has the scars to prove it.

Luca wants an Hbar Yoyo. Aware of the green candles that have been accumulating like fairy dust, he asks the market price.

Alice thinks about it.

And says, "Eight-hundred-and-fifty-thousand-million bitcoin."

Luca doesn't have an exit strategy. And just says yes.

Alice hands over the yoyo.

And the markets dump.

Alice says they'll rebound, that's it's just a dip. But really she's looking to offload her crypto bracelets and stickers for a tidy profit before the institutions start unloading.

You have no idea what power a knapsack holds, and a quart of lupins, and freedom from care.

- Crates of Thebes

So what's the point of all this rambling?

In 2023 there were over 120 Blockchain and crypto conferences world wide. WOW Summit, NFT Paris, Blockchain For Life, Blacksea Chain, Permissionless, Token2049... on and on, like some kind of crypto snake gobbling down its own arse to infinity. Tickets price ranged from the obscure to the obscene, from the laughable to the vomit inducing... I know, you have a personal narrative, you don't want to convince yourself you got ripped off... I'll do it for you...You got ripped off. But that's not the point I'm trying to make.

The point I'm trying to make... How many non-web3, non-crypto natives went? How many non-web3, non-crypto natives did any of you 'onboard' to the sinking ship? How many?

Please, somebody...

OK, so the number is close to zero.

In fact it's probably less than zero, because for every conference, I'm pretty sure more people lose the will to live (in crypto) than have their eyes opened to the possibility of a blockchain world. Millions is being spent on turning people off blockchain.

"But what about all the projects that get built? What about all the web3 projects that fly off the shelves because of these conferences?"

To that, I say, name two.

And again, they're only successful in the web3 echo chamber.

Onboarding the next billion isn't done with marketing departments and decks and changing the lexicon and travelling around the world talking at blockchain conferences.

It's done with you. At home.

You just need the tools.

You just need the swag.

An hbar yoyo.

And an open mind.