Green and blue

Browns are there too

Yellow and black

I see a sunflower and white specks in the back.

Spherical and glossy

A shadow or two

If I look deep into the center

I see small reflections of me staring back at you.

More than the colors, the shapes and the glares

I see stories and feelings and realities that live there.

Have you ever looked at yourself in the mirror?

Not only for a second or two

Have you looked with great focus

Into the purest, most whole part of you?

Today I sat by the mirror

Criss-cross applesauce on the floor

George Winston playing in the background

Distractions away.

I sat and I looked

With intent

Keeping judgments at bay.

Glennon Doyle in her book Untamed (Doyle, 2020) says it is important to do this

To look and to see

To really check in with who and how we are

Is the reflection depicting the person we strive to be?

I used to avoid the mirror

Taking steps towards that reflective glass.

For I yearned to run from the discomfort that could arise from a peer into that surface where a depiction of me would look back.

There was a time before that

When the mirror was my obsession

My friend who was actually my foe.

I visited it religiously throughout the day

Of every nook and cranny, I took note.

A reminder of my flaws

My tool to measure my worth

My gut check on how I was doing

Was I in control or was I operating with a misstep?

My source for personal ridicule

My weapon to protect

My means to keep me safe

My means to inspect.

A selfie in the mirror meant a tangible checkpoint to measure whether or not I was fine

An album of those photos stowed on my device

Served as my assurance of whether or not I was in line.

As I have worked on myself

As I have worked to heal the body image relationship that was there

I become avoidant of mirrors

For I feared that the reality of my struggles were still there.

I used to cover them up

Sticky notes along that reflective surface space

Paper squares filled with affirmations and uplifting quotes

To serve as a reminder that, without it, I can stay safe.

If that did not work

I would take the mirror off of the wall

I would hide it behind the bed

Not allow space for those struggles to again take off.

Today, things are different

I can now look into the mirror

I can ground myself and hold space to manage the thoughts that may appear.

I like the idea of checking in with oneself

Of holding space to glance into that purest, most whole part of the

To gain an understanding of how I am doing

To hold space for the realities within me.

As I situated myself by the mirror

As I got comfortable on the floor

I vowed to look in a different way

Than I had ever looked before.

Straight into the eyes

Into the pupils of black and white

I felt apprehensive and curious

Parts of me felt worried and afraid

I felt a longing to know

How is she doing in there today?

I took time to observe

I took time to see

I took time to understand

What is coming up as I am looking into the eyes of the?

At first, I felt uncomfortable

Palms clammy, heart tense

My being wanted to numb as judgments came forward and were intense.

The next, emotions appeared

While I looked, I felt connected to the

Externally, I saw a tear

Internally, I saw me.

I saw myself for who I am

I saw myself for what I was

I saw myself in that moment

I saw myself in moments that have gone.

I allowed my feelings to appear

I allowed my emotions to flow

My story is one I have been fearful of

For I worry that it has been encompassed with too much to show.

As I gazed toward my reflection

Staring into one eye, then the next

I saw the ups and the downs

The hills, the mountains and the valleys that I have been around.

I strove to hold space to tell myself

That I am worthy

That I am enough

That I am beautiful, even if I do not believe it

I am strong, even when I feel no muscle to the touch.

Sometimes I find it easier to avoid looking into the realities of my life

Sometimes I find it better to separate myself from the feelings that feel like too much.

Sometimes I wish I could see an ounce of strength and worth

In the moments when I am down and affirmations are not enough

Sometimes I wish I could be courageous enough to follow my dreams and not allow my fears to keep me stuck.

As I sat by that mirror

Staring deep into the eyes of the

Moments flashed from my memory

Moments reminding of the stories that have made up today’s version of me.

To glance toward our being

Can be scary and intense

To look deep into our own eyes and ask ourselves if we are representing the person we strive to be

Can be daunting and humbling

It is so hard to live while fully embracing our reality.

I have learned that life is messy

I know no roadmap for our steps

I understand that each person walks through hardship, whether it is known or hidden behind the fence.

I realize that the world is chaotic

With it, people often strive to keep up

I have come to understand that remaining authentic

Takes courage and constant check-ins to ensure that, with ourselves, we are in touch.

It is apparent to me that so many distractions are at play

It seems harder than ever to hold priority for our healing and growth today.

In a world full of shoulds

I strive to push them aside

In a world full of coulds

I strive to instead look deep into my own eyes.

To look there for discernment

To look there to keep in touch

To look there to check-in

To look there to ensure feelings, thoughts and desires are in touch.

At first, I was overwhelmed

It was as if a kaleidoscope had taken effect

Two eyes turned into hundreds

With myself, I could not connect.

I told myself to breathe.

Calm, Mel. Center yourself.

You are peering into the eyes of you

It is okay to take this step.

I saw green and blue

Browns were there too

Yellow and black

I saw a sunflower and white specks in the back.

Spherical and glossy

A shadow or two

If I looked deep into the center

I saw small reflections of me staring back at you.

More than the colors, the shapes and the glares

I saw stories and feelings and realities that lived there.

I looked into the mirror

Not only for a second or two

I looked with great focus

Into the purest, most whole part of me that was in view.

What I learned was profound

What I felt, at first, seemed like too much

What I took away was empowering

I am okay, I can do this

I am not too much.