Dear Friend,
I look at my screen now with crystal clarity. I just did a Lasik surgery… and I’m already getting greedy. A thought creeps in: how great it might be if I could close and rest my eyes while continuing to “write”, “read”, or “absorb knowledge”.
It is tempting. There is this fear that I may never know enough, so I want to maximise every chance I get to know more, learn more and discover more.
And why is that? Knowledge to me is (was) a way of signalling status and power… until I discover the power of not knowing and how that can equally command respect.
Just saying “not knowing” out loud makes me a little uncomfortable.
Let’s talk about that today.
PAUSE AND RESET
Before we dive into our main theme, let's do an exercise that might feel unfamiliar at first - a perfect way to embrace the unknown:
Follow the guide below. When you're ready, try it on your own for around 12 rounds of breath.
1. Place one hand on your belly, the other on your chest.
2. Lower your gaze or close your eyes.
3. Inhale gently through your nose. Feel your chest and belly rise.
4. Exhale, feeling your chest and belly move inward toward your spine.
Now, picture you're a jellyfish, swimming gracefully in the ocean.
5. As you inhale, feel your pelvic floor descend.
6. As you exhale, feel your pelvic floor lift.
No pressing or pushing. This is a gentle and subtle movement. Imagine the jellyfish in your body: expanding as you inhale, feeling your back and sides. As you exhale, imagine tentacles coming together toward your midline. Avoid directing the inflow of air only to your belly.
Swim gracefully through the calm waters.
Continue for a few rounds with eyes closed or gaze lowered. Try this seated, standing, or while walking.
We have just practiced three-dimensional breathing. The jellyfish metaphor has helped me to understand the wonderful mechanics happening inside our bodies. It activates all our diaphragms (yes, there's more than one!) and moves our lymph nodes by creating pressure changes in the abdomen. This promotes lymph flow because lymph nodes rely on pressure changes, not muscular contractions, to move lymph.
But beyond its physical benefits, this exercise invites us into a space of not knowing and perhaps rewiring the way that we have been breathing.
The Gentle Power of Not Knowing
I chuckled when I heard psychologist Daryl Van Tongeren confess in a podcast that he went through a phase of constantly lying about knowing authors, books, or films mentioned by his new, worldly, and seemingly cool friends. He'd feel stressed about these lies and try to fill the knowledge gaps after their gatherings.
I could relate.
Yes, me, a know-it-all.
Living in Shanghai, China, I often found myself navigating not just a different culture, but a rapidly changing one with its own unique digital ecosystem and pop culture references.
I frequently said, "Yes, I think I know," to trending topics or Chinese internet phenomena, then frantically searched for what I thought I'd heard. I did this quite openly and intentionally, calling out my feigned knowledge so much that eventually it became a point of playful, friendly jabbing among my Chinese friends.
This experience highlighted a possible universal challenge: the pressure to appear knowledgeable, especially in unfamiliar territory. Society often equates knowledge with competence, success, and worth. We fear that admitting ignorance might diminish us in others' eyes.
For Daryl, he couldn't take the anxiety of trying to fake it and the pressure of always having to keep up with his friends. He decided to one day say, "I don't know" to his friends and felt such a huge sense of relief — he felt silly for torturing himself just because he felt embarrassed about his lack of knowledge of certain subject matters.
How can we practise being more comfortable with not knowing in a situation when there is a supposed gap in knowledge about a subject matter?
More instead of nil: Invite the speaker to expand on their thought by saying, "Could you tell me more? I'm not familiar with this..." This approach turns your lack of knowledge into an opportunity for deeper understanding.
Use "I don't know, yet" language: Adding "yet" to "I don't know" statements can shift your perspective from a fixed mindset to a growth mindset, emphasizing the potential for learning. For instance, instead of saying "I don't know how to code," try "I don't know how to code yet."
Use "I'm curious about..." statements: When you don't know something, instead of saying "I don't know," try saying "I'm curious about..." This reframes not knowing as an opportunity for exploration.
Say it as it is: Even if quizzed about your ignorance, a simple and firm, "I do not know," or "I'm still finding out..." could stop people who want to teach or dictate in their tracks. This confidence in admitting ignorance often commands more respect than pretending to know.
I witnessed this recently when a friend, G, who had achieved quite a bit in his creative career, decided to make a chair from scratch. Another friend with more experience in product design quizzed him enthusiastically about his next steps, wielding her 'power' in the realm of product design. G looked slightly uncomfortable initially but braved himself to say, "I don't know. I'm still on the journey."
The product design friend was a little startled and immediately fell silent so that G could continue sharing without interruption. Because of his honesty about his process and his comfort level in doing so, he redeemed the power in those few seconds.
Interestingly, admitting to not knowing something can shift these power dynamics in unexpected ways. It can invite deeper explanations, and even position you as someone secure enough to admit gaps in your knowledge. You may in return command more respect.
How about if you are in a position of having 'more knowledge'?
Perhaps we could start to cultivate an environment where others feel safe admitting what they don't know such as:
Avoid flexing:
Instead of pausing to ask, "Have you heard" or "Do you know," which could put people on the spot, share naturally without feeling the need to "increase our power" by flexing what we know.
Acknowledge the limits of your own knowledge: Even when you're the "expert" in a situation, be open about the boundaries of your knowledge.
Preface statements with phrases like "Based on my current understanding..." or "From what I've learned so far..."
Admit when you're speculating or share your process: "I'm not certain, but my guess would be..." or "Here are the questions I'm still exploring."
Acknowledge evolving understanding: "My thinking on this has changed over time. Previously, I thought X, but now I'm considering Y because..."
The more each of us embraces this, the more we're passing on the power for the people who feel shy, embarrassed or insecure about admitting they do not know!
Leaving my FAVORITE to the last:
Choose a "forever beginner" hobby: While this is not a communication tip, it is something that we can do to reframe our perspective towards SUCCESS.
Pick a hobby with the intention of never becoming an expert at it. Allow yourself to fully enjoy being a perpetual novice. For example, I've chosen the ukulele as something I've decided I'll never be professional at, and that's liberating. It's become "the thing I'll happily suck at," and that's perfectly okay.
Living Luxuriously: A Gentle Approach to Building and Creating
I used to wonder why indie hackers, startup founders, and sales gurus seemed to be predominantly male. Was I simply not looking in the right places? I've therefore made it a point to continuously shine a spotlight on creators and makers who have found unique ways and rituals to build beyond the typical results-oriented sphere.
First, we'll dive into an interview with Tania, who offers insight into her distinctive approach. I'm grateful to have met someone like her in Madeira.
Then, I'll share a bit about a new offering I'm excited to introduce to my close circle. It's something I have no exact knowledge of how it will turn out - and that's part of the excitement and...practice!
Redefining Photography through Therapeutic Lens
Q: Tania, how has your journey from Ukraine through Israel to Madeira influenced your approach to photography?
A: "When I first picked up photography, the path that my teachers set me towards was: capture humanity. After moving to Israel from Ukraine, I had to tuck this style of photography away when I was working on product photography and fashion shoots for the company I worked for. I learned a lot about the technical side of things like lighting and composition, but I missed the deeper connection. Madeira with its simplicity and natural beauty, allows me to explore this sense of authenticity I've been missing and to bring it out in my clients.
I feel like I'm living a rich life, because I'm close to nature, and in turn, closer to myself. My pace has slowed down, I can hear myself better."
Q: I understand you incorporate meditation, breathing exercises, and tea ceremonies into your photography sessions. Can you tell us more about that?
A: "Meditation has been my tool since I was a child. I am so grateful for my dad's teachings — he taught me how to meditate to help me with my insomnia.
When I started shifting my style of photography, I realised simply greeting someone ten minutes before the shoot isn't enough. People often tense up in front of the camera, especially if they do not know the photographer and if they are not professional models. I realised the practices that have worked for me personally for years — meditation, breathing, and later tea practice introduced by my husband — can help make them feel more comfortable"
She adds, "My photography is not just about taking pictures; it's a practice with a therapeutic effect. Each moment captured is unique and genuine, something the person truly experienced and will carry with them, hopefully for the rest of their lives — when they look at the photo again, they know it was a moment when they felt at ease with themselves."
Q: How does your understanding of 'gentle power' manifest in your photography?
A: "I take the time to understand the people I photograph – their personalities, their world, their perspectives so that I can truly capture that in my work. I'd never take a couple who loves city life to a wild beach as it would go against their values.
Likewise, I try to bring this perspective to my journey as an artist as well.
I know I am still far from where I want to be, but I'm on the right path. There's always room to be better, but I know I can't get there overnight. It is about moving through each stage of the journey, and appreciating every step, knowing that each one brings me closer to my ultimate goal. I hope this approach helps more people see a different way of living and working in today's world — shifting away from quick superficiality to something as far as spiritually enriching."
Q: If your camera could capture emotions instead of images, what hidden feeling would you most want to photograph in your subjects, and why?
Her eyes light up at the question.
"I'd want to capture the feeling of a true connection with oneself – that inner fullness, peace, awareness, and the state of quantum possibilities. To me, that's the ultimate luxury."
When was the last time you felt like you could hear yourself?
That is indeed a profound provocation, isn't it? More than half a year ago, I felt like I couldn't hear myself ironically as there was a lot going on, I was constantly on overdrive - overthinking and overdoing.
Tania, to me, is somewhat of an enigma. Little is known (or rather published) about her experience and time before Madeira. Yet, I feel like I know her. She's not trying to be elusive; she's simply present.
In a time where so much is known through what we choose to curate and post on social media, perhaps unknowing is quite a luxury as well. Rather than using someone's history, milestones, or past as a point of reference, we see things as they are — in the present —and move forward from there. It seems to me that this is what Tania is pursuing in this season of her life: shedding what doesn't serve her and embracing the art that is in front of her and awaiting her.
If you ever find yourself in Madeira, I highly recommend reaching out to her for a therapeutic and experiential photography session. I would love for her to capture my portraits one day. Someday.
Develop Your Practice in 40 Days
Now, I'm excited to share something new that I've been working on:
Your Practice. Unfold your Way in 40 days.
I went through this experience of healing myself and battled with going through many unhelpful diagnoses. It is my practice that has been helping to nourish and support me. I thought, why not share this approach with my close friends?
I'm beginning to share this with friends slowly... I've designed for a friend who wants to 'feel lighter' and another who is seeking postpartum support as she move forward with a newfound identity and energy. This practice is called Your Practice for a reason, it is not about perfecting poses or achieving some predetermined state of mind. Instead, it's an invitation to unfold your own way, to listen to your body and intuition, and to shape your own discovery.
It incorporates asana (yoga postures), pranayama (breathing exercises), meditation, journaling, and aromatherapy. I turned to Biblioteca Verde to create a special essential oil blend that complements my friends' practices. This adds another layer of sensory support to their journey.
While the full 40-day journey is something I'm offering only to my close circle at this time, I wanted to make elements of it accessible to others who might benefit.
So, I'm making the tutorials for the Asana, Pranayama, and Concentration practices available on Gumroad on a pay-as-you-wish basis.
This project is close to my heart, and I'm curious to see how it unfolds. (no pun intended!) It's a way for me to share what has helped me, while also learning from those who engage with the practice. Who knows where this might lead?
In a world that often prizes expertise and experience above all, embracing the power of not knowing might seem counterintuitive.
How have you personally worked with the uncertainty of not knowing?
What's one thing in your life right now that you struggle with not knowing?
I'd love to hear your voice.
Love,
Siying
Current Obsessions
What I'm eating 🥢 : Grinding Cumin, Coriander and Fennel and making it into the CCF tea is a great alternative to Coffee when you feel like having something warm and comforting and may aid in digestion.
What I'm listening 📻 : Semogia Bahagia aka Divine Blessings in Old Malay. I rediscovered this childhood song at "Don't call him Mari Kita", a show that celebrates the works of Zubir Said, composer of Singapore's National Anthem. There is so much romance and love in his works and it makes me wonder how did we lose all of that heritage and celebration along the way?
What I'm pondering 💭 : Will AI erode our creativity and consciousness… hold on, what do creativity and consciousness even mean? Read this essay, "Ghosts" by Vauhini Vara and her reflection a year later on Wired.com. I teared up after reading "Ghosts" as that experiment unraveled the writer's personal trauma, hinting at the potential for technology to support healing, but even more so pointing at us human beings having to take a step forward in confronting…
Perhaps I'll write an essay about this.
Whenever you're ready & open, there are a few more ways that I could support you more deeply:
